I was thinking about it today again. thinking about how God is so Faithful. thinking about how scared I am. thinking about how excited I am. just thinking. I'm always thinking. I got an email today. My official acceptance as a Short Term Missionary for AIM. In a few short days I'll be getting a call to let me know where and when I'll be going to discuss flights and finances, and the future. And in 10 short days I will step from this journey into the next. God's always moving as am I.
Sometimes I get the slightest inclination that I am crazy insane for doing this. Average people don't leave everything they know behind on some crazy calling and head off into the unknown. There's a quote from A.W. Tozer that always seems to slow my thoughts on crazy; "Refuse to be average. Let your heart soar as high as it will." So I guess I refuse to be average.
Though there are time I know I do a horrible job at representing Jesus. I fail daily and I've realized it's something I desperately need to work on and something that He has been teaching me. To love recklessly, to fear nothing, to hope, to dream, to believe, to know that God has it all taken care of and that He won't put me through anything that I can't handle, and even when it gets tough He will carry me through. I can't let the fear cripple me.
Think about it, if we doubted our fears instead of doubting our dreams, imagine how much in life we'd accomplish. All too often we let the fear of doing certain things, living a certain way, having certain friends, whatever it may be, we let those things cripple us and they take control over our lives and instead of living, we slowly die inside. But God is calling us out of those things and into Him. Oswald Chambers once said "if we only did what we feel we are inclined to do, some of would never do anything." God calls us to do so many things but we let the fear, the inclination of believing someone else, someone who is more qualified will step out in faith and follow. But God is calling us. So what, I know in my heart I'm no qualified for what He has called me to, but I'm willing. Like Isaiah "Here am I. Send Me." God takes unqualified people and makes them qualified. Yes we are ordinary people, but our God is so EXTRAordinary.
To be honest, there is so much more to my life than to sit around in a small town and be afraid of living. I want to live radically, I want to live for Jesus, and if that seems wrong than I don't ever, ever want to be right. Yeah I know I don't look like the part and most days I don't act the part. But my heart can tell anybody where I am. And it's something I am still working on. My inside, because once my inside, my heart, my soul, my mind, is like Jesus, my outward appearance will reflect that. And I hold myself to a very high standard, I constantly disappoint myself. but God still loves me and His love is the one thing that will always be there and that will always keep me going.
It's crazy to think that in 10 short days I will graduate college. There are so many things God has done in the past four years I have spent at college. There has been sadness, happiness, challenges and victories, and so many things. I've learned to fight for the people and the things I love. I've learned that sometimes I am a terrible friend and family member, that sometimes I can have a really awful attitude. I've learned how to deal with conflict, to deal with death. to deal with pain. to deal with sadness. And in all these things He was there helping me grow, teaching me, loving me, holding onto me. He took me to places that were so foriegn to me, even in Orange City, IA. To a bakery down the road from school, to meet a group of wonderful older men, that loved on me like I was their grand daughter, fed me bought me coffee and shared stories of life, love, and loss. They impacted me in ways they may never know. But I love those men. He brought me wonderful friends and roommates that have changed my life, challenged me in so many ways. Through the ugliness and the laughter, I've loved them and been blessed by them so much. He took me to Texas, to a prison service full of 300 men and never did I feel scared, never did I feel nervous. I fell in love with those men in that service the way the worshiped our God, I didn't see prisoners, bound by shackles. I saw sons of God, set free by His love and His grace.
He brought me to Haiti, where of course I fell in love with those children, with those my own age, with the people in general, with the missionaries. He brought me there, and though it was not the place i was called to it will forever be the place where He confirmed my calling. He gave me a team I love so much, friendships that I could never be so thankful for. Words cannot express my love for my team member who saw me at my worst, at my best, and all the in between.
and finally Uganda. He brought me there and that is where I left my heart. With those people, with that culture, in that Country. He showed me a new way to live for Him there. with 16 american teenagers who blessed my life more than I can say. Each one of those kids impacted me, I definitely did not feel qualified to lead those teens, but each one of them amazed me, blessed me, and I love each one of them. But deep in my heart the moment i stepped off that plane and onto that soil it felt like the part of me that had been missing was filled, and that part is still there. with those children and their smiles, and laughter, and love. Because all the tears shed, all the laughter carried through the wind, every moment there and every moment here as made me love them more, made me miss them more. And God being the God of awesomeness has called me to serve.
I don't know where I am going yet. But wherever I go, I will be doing God's work so I know in my heart that i will fall in love with it. I'm scared, but I will not let my fear get in the way of my life. "There are grave difficulties on every hand, and more are looming ahead- therefore we must go forward." -William Carey. I know there will be struggles and I know at times I'll probably wake up in the morning and wish I wasn't there. but God has a plan and I will continue to follow that, because my life is His.
But the one thing I have yet to say is my family. Gosh words cannot express the love I have for those 5 people God so graciously put in my life. I know at times we are crazy and get annoyed with each other and are on edge. But in the end we all love each other deeply, even if at times it may not look like it. God has given us so much love for one another. God has given us so much faith in one another. There isn't one thing God has not brought our family through and each time we become closer. We've been through some tough stuff. And yet He is faithful and He always comes through. It always works out, God always works it out. Without my family I couldn't do any of this. The trust, the love and the faith they have in me is incredible. I love them so much and the hardest thing to do is to leave them, because in all honesty I don't know what to do without them. Even the many days we go without talking, I know I can pick up the phone and they'll be right there. Through the tears falling on my keyboard right now I can say the hardest thing will be saying goodbye to these five people. these amazing, loving, blessings in my life. It hurts, but I know God's plan is for me to go. And my family, God bless each of them, support me in this calling, it's scary with traveling overseas, money, communication will be tough, and yet they support me. They're happy for me, sad to see me leaving, but ready to see what God has in store. My family is the most important thing in my life and God knows how hard this is for me. But I know that my family will be there for me when I return and God's got amazing things planned for each one of my family members in the days to come. I can't wait to see what He is going to do.
So in this not so short blog I've poured my heart out some more. God's got His hand on my life and I am so encouraged and so blessed by Him and His love. My life is His and I'll continue to live it for Him all the days of my life. For Him and only Him.
Doubting my fears and Trusting in Him,
HIS and yours,
Cami
The greatest glory in living lies not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall." - Nelson Mandela
No comments:
Post a Comment