All those things have one thing in common. They are happening inside of me. It’s hard to express to anyone, even complete strangers on tumblr how I feel, things I’ve contemplated that a year ago I would never believe would even come to my mind. I went from being a who gives a shit Christian, to a Radical Christian, to now, it seems a nothing Christian. I don’t feel radical, I feel like a fraud. I feel like so many people try and put me on this pedestal just to see how far I am going to fall. And let me tell you, I’m still falling. I do these things, I go to Alaska to do missions, to Africa to work with orphans and people say you are so holy, you are so Christ-like. NO. No. no! I do these things because I am soooo unholy, because I am no way like Christ. I am a nasty sinful human being, and yet people only see what they want to see. People are people and I just can’t seem to get away from that.
I will be honest, because i have nothing to lose, I don’t give a crap about a reputation or a name or being on this stupid pedestal. Truth is what matters and Truth is what I am gonna give. The other night, I dumped a whole bottle of pills in my hand and stared at them for what seemed like hours, really it was only a minute or so. But I wondered what would happen if I didn’t wake up tomorrow. Would people really care, would I really care. Would I be satisfied with the life I’ve lived. No. the answer is no. I’ve done nothing worthy of life. Nothing worthy of Christ. And yet I go around like a typical hypocritical Christan saying how Awesome our God is, when in reality I don’t spend enough time with Him to even know. I volunteer for all these things and do all these things because i want to but also because of the crown in my jewel. and then I ridicule other Christians. WHO AM I? Why God, Why do you love me? Me out of all the people to love, Me?
The truth is I don’t really know what’s going on inside of me. i know that the enemy is definitely getting a tight grip on my heart, and I haven’t done anything to try and stop him. I keep drawing further away from the only One I know deep down can save me, but I’m not doing anything to get back. I am the one separating myself from Him. I know I can’t tell people this, they wouldn’t understand, they say you’re fine, or you need some help and send me away to someone else. because I’m speaking truth. that I a “christian” am not so christian at all.
What is a Christian anyway? We have Christians who have their underwear to tightly up their butt, they cringed at the thought of a Christian who sings screamo, who has tattoos, who uses profanity, who drinks. Then we have Christians who cringe at the suit and the tie, the hymns, the stiff necked tightly wound church. Where is the middle, where is the line. And who is suppose to be brave enough to cross it. To lie in the middle of that road and say this is how it is.
This is how Christ said it to be, to love everyone your neighbor your enemy, there is no definition in the Bible of what to wear to church and what song to sing. And whether you can enter heaven is based on the number of tattoos you have or the good works you have done. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and Love your neighbor as yourself. That’s the commands, That is what is comes down to. And everyone who thinks different needs to invest in a Bible.
I don’t claim to know all, I don’t claim to be perfect. I claim to be a person trying to find my way in this awful place we call a world, to find my way home to be with the One i know is My King. It’s a hard place to live, this world, and He knows that and He knows I mess up and I do stupid stupid things. And yet He still loves me. I guess I just need someone to tell me that Everything is going to be alright. That I am going to figure it out. That God is going to show me the way to go, and what to do with my life. Just someone to say everything will be alright.
But right now. All I hear is