I just need to scream.
I'm frustrated and ready to be out of here.
I just need patience to survive this.
God give me patience. Help me to feel that you are here even when I don't think you care.
Please. God. Please.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Heaven Breaks.
It always starts like this,
A harmless and simple thing to fix.
Contagious and spreading quick…
Like cracks in ice,
Wholly claiming our lives
While we sleep.
We’ll pray for Heaven’s floor to break,
Pour the brightest white on blackest space,
Come bleeding gloriously through
The clouds and the blue.
Forcing one place from two,
Killing formulaic views,
Only love proves to be the truth.
When heaven meets the earth,
We will have no use for numbers
To measure who are and what we’re worth.
When Heaven meets the earth,
We will have no need for mirrors
To tell us who to be
And where we fit into this awkward point of view.
When angels meet the earth, may our bodies be light.
When angels meet the earth, may our heavy hearts untie.
When angels meet the earth, may our bodies be light.
May our bodies be light for you.
Really good song. Listen to it.
HIS and yours,
Cami
A harmless and simple thing to fix.
Contagious and spreading quick…
Like cracks in ice,
Wholly claiming our lives
While we sleep.
We’ll pray for Heaven’s floor to break,
Pour the brightest white on blackest space,
Come bleeding gloriously through
The clouds and the blue.
Forcing one place from two,
Killing formulaic views,
Only love proves to be the truth.
When heaven meets the earth,
We will have no use for numbers
To measure who are and what we’re worth.
When Heaven meets the earth,
We will have no need for mirrors
To tell us who to be
And where we fit into this awkward point of view.
When angels meet the earth, may our bodies be light.
When angels meet the earth, may our heavy hearts untie.
When angels meet the earth, may our bodies be light.
May our bodies be light for you.
Really good song. Listen to it.
HIS and yours,
Cami
Monday, October 17, 2011
God is deeper still.
"The God of peace will soon crush satan under your feet." -Romans 16:20
Journal Entry, 12-10-10:
"Sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore. Why am I here, what am I doing here? God, I feel like I have no purpose, no impact whatsoever. Jesus, did you ever feel this way? I feel like I have no one, is this You showing me that You're the only one I can truly depend on. Because God I want to depend on You. I hate this feeling. God why can't you send me someplace else? Show me how to be happy, I feel sad or angry all the time. I just want to feel you deep in my soul, God! I don't want to feel the sting of their words and the burn of their judgmental glances. I just want to be able to turn the other cheek. to let it go. Lord let your spirit fall over me to become a better lover of Christ. Take away the doubt, the sadness, the anger, the loneliness, the impatience, the longing to have an earthly romance. Rip them out of my heart and replace them with Your love. God, I don't want to be Cami, I don't want my life. I am Yours. Mold me. Teach me obedience, discipline, and love. God I want Your fire, I want your river to flow in me and through me to people and to nations. Your grace abounds above all. Rain down. Help me to be forgiving. Teach me how to give without asking for anything in return. God only you know me, only you know what is going on now and what has been. Help me God, keep me from the enemy."
It's interesting to see that 11 months ago the things that I was feeling have returned to me even more intensely. And yet this time around it's different. It's a higher mountain I have came down from and a deeper valley I have fallen into. Never giving myself time to relax and reflect on all that God did this summer and all that He continues to do. I just keep trying to move at warp speed with no regards to the voice of God telling me to slow down. And in the midst of my hectic ways I push God away and think that I can do this on my own, when deep down I know I can't. It has taken a lot of anger, a lot of questioning, a lot of sadness, a lot of pushing people away, and a heck of a lot of tears to learn that I can't survive without Him. It true. It's not some corny line that I'm giving you. He IS my LIFE LINE. no matter what I try to tell myself I am nothing and have nothing without God.
It seems that sometimes I have to go deep to see that God is deeper still. Through everything He is always with me, even when I think He is not, He is. His love for me is invincible, the fire of His love stops at nothing it sweeps everything before it. Flood waters can't drown His love, it cannot wash His love away. His love can't be bought and it can't be sold. It is for me, over me, a part of me for all eternity. The truth is I've just been so mad at Him, so mad. because where I am right now, every part of my flesh tells me to leave. And yet my spirit says No this is where God wants you. And I've been fighting it. Wrestling with it, angry, questions. Why. And it has taken a long time but like Jacob, God's finally busted my hip. No more fighting, no more wrestling. It's time to listen and to act upon what He has told me to do. What He has entrusted me to do.
Depend on Him and Him alone. I find myself putting too much stock into other people instead of God. Not that friendships are a bad thing, but when that's where I put all of my hope into, I just end up getting hurt. It's been the story since my freshman year of high school. I have a horrible problem with making friends with people who don't know how to stay in contact. While I'm the one constantly dropping letters in the mail or little messages in their inbox, or even a phone call. It seems I have very very very few friends that will take the time to sit down and have a conversation with me, to take time out of their busy schedule to call me, to drop me a letter. Heck to just talk about the day would be nice. And I let it get the best of me, because I constantly think I am getting nothing from this. I don't know if that's the right attitude, but I'm human and believe it or not, I do stupid things.
But the cool thing is, that I can lose touch with every friend I've made, and it will probably happen, but I have someone who is always there. He's written a huge book full of Letters to me, He's always there when I call, He cares about my days so much He's planned out every single one up until my last breath. It's so amazing and something I often forget to think about and thank Him for.
Right now I'm on this journey to rediscover the things that really give me joy and where God really wants me and what I am to do with the tasks He has placed in my hand. But to constantly remember that I am not to do them alone or with anyone else but Him. I pray as I am on this journey, that I slowly fade out and that Jesus comes in shining through me. That when people see me they don't actually see me, they see Him. That's all I want, that's all I ask, and that's all I will continue to seek out to accomplish all for the Glory and the Honor of my Heavenly Father.
God is deeper still...
HIS and yours,
Cami
Journal Entry, 12-10-10:
"Sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore. Why am I here, what am I doing here? God, I feel like I have no purpose, no impact whatsoever. Jesus, did you ever feel this way? I feel like I have no one, is this You showing me that You're the only one I can truly depend on. Because God I want to depend on You. I hate this feeling. God why can't you send me someplace else? Show me how to be happy, I feel sad or angry all the time. I just want to feel you deep in my soul, God! I don't want to feel the sting of their words and the burn of their judgmental glances. I just want to be able to turn the other cheek. to let it go. Lord let your spirit fall over me to become a better lover of Christ. Take away the doubt, the sadness, the anger, the loneliness, the impatience, the longing to have an earthly romance. Rip them out of my heart and replace them with Your love. God, I don't want to be Cami, I don't want my life. I am Yours. Mold me. Teach me obedience, discipline, and love. God I want Your fire, I want your river to flow in me and through me to people and to nations. Your grace abounds above all. Rain down. Help me to be forgiving. Teach me how to give without asking for anything in return. God only you know me, only you know what is going on now and what has been. Help me God, keep me from the enemy."
It's interesting to see that 11 months ago the things that I was feeling have returned to me even more intensely. And yet this time around it's different. It's a higher mountain I have came down from and a deeper valley I have fallen into. Never giving myself time to relax and reflect on all that God did this summer and all that He continues to do. I just keep trying to move at warp speed with no regards to the voice of God telling me to slow down. And in the midst of my hectic ways I push God away and think that I can do this on my own, when deep down I know I can't. It has taken a lot of anger, a lot of questioning, a lot of sadness, a lot of pushing people away, and a heck of a lot of tears to learn that I can't survive without Him. It true. It's not some corny line that I'm giving you. He IS my LIFE LINE. no matter what I try to tell myself I am nothing and have nothing without God.
It seems that sometimes I have to go deep to see that God is deeper still. Through everything He is always with me, even when I think He is not, He is. His love for me is invincible, the fire of His love stops at nothing it sweeps everything before it. Flood waters can't drown His love, it cannot wash His love away. His love can't be bought and it can't be sold. It is for me, over me, a part of me for all eternity. The truth is I've just been so mad at Him, so mad. because where I am right now, every part of my flesh tells me to leave. And yet my spirit says No this is where God wants you. And I've been fighting it. Wrestling with it, angry, questions. Why. And it has taken a long time but like Jacob, God's finally busted my hip. No more fighting, no more wrestling. It's time to listen and to act upon what He has told me to do. What He has entrusted me to do.
Depend on Him and Him alone. I find myself putting too much stock into other people instead of God. Not that friendships are a bad thing, but when that's where I put all of my hope into, I just end up getting hurt. It's been the story since my freshman year of high school. I have a horrible problem with making friends with people who don't know how to stay in contact. While I'm the one constantly dropping letters in the mail or little messages in their inbox, or even a phone call. It seems I have very very very few friends that will take the time to sit down and have a conversation with me, to take time out of their busy schedule to call me, to drop me a letter. Heck to just talk about the day would be nice. And I let it get the best of me, because I constantly think I am getting nothing from this. I don't know if that's the right attitude, but I'm human and believe it or not, I do stupid things.
But the cool thing is, that I can lose touch with every friend I've made, and it will probably happen, but I have someone who is always there. He's written a huge book full of Letters to me, He's always there when I call, He cares about my days so much He's planned out every single one up until my last breath. It's so amazing and something I often forget to think about and thank Him for.
Right now I'm on this journey to rediscover the things that really give me joy and where God really wants me and what I am to do with the tasks He has placed in my hand. But to constantly remember that I am not to do them alone or with anyone else but Him. I pray as I am on this journey, that I slowly fade out and that Jesus comes in shining through me. That when people see me they don't actually see me, they see Him. That's all I want, that's all I ask, and that's all I will continue to seek out to accomplish all for the Glory and the Honor of my Heavenly Father.
God is deeper still...
HIS and yours,
Cami
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Running, Singing, Talking, Loving On.
"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17.
Wow.
After a rough day, God totally blesses me with a wonderful relaxing night with a wonderful beautiful friend.
It's crazy how consumed I've been lately with frustrations and stresses of school and of this world in general. This world frustrates me so much. I frustrate myself so much. I catch myself thinking more highly of me, than of Him, and really who am I? There is nothing I could write, I could say, I could sing to give an adequate description of our Glorious King. He's indescribable. There's nothing I could form, I could bring, that could be added to the majestic splendor of our Glorious King, for He is unchangeable and all I am, at my best, is merely a breath for Him.
He is so magnificent and that at any moment I could pass from this earth and do I really want my last thought to be "Okay God what have you done for me today?" No, definitely not, and I'm ashamed that lately that is a thought that's been going through my head. What has He done or not done for me. Instead of stopping taking time and saying "okay God what can I do for You today?" because that's what more important. I've been told lately that by human nature we crave relationships, I can say that I haven't been the best lately with my relationships. I've been frustrated with friends that I have and the ones that are horrible at keeping in touch or just don't really feel like friends anymore. And I feel I put so much into those relationships that are faded away and I am no receiving anything from them. And the time I am wasting on the friendships or being frustrated I could spend with God. Spend reading His word, praying, singing, loving Him. And yet being the sinful human I am, I am trying to store up my treasure here on this earth, instead of in heaven with Him.
Seriously though, I've thought about it a lot. If I suddenly don't wake up tomorrow, do I want the people around me to say, "Yeah she was just a girl I knew, nice, lots of friends, but that's about it." or do I want them to say. "Yeah she had few friends, but Man did she Love and Reflect Jesus." um.., I'll choose the Second one Regis, Final ANSWER. Who cares how much money, clothes, friends, and so on I have on this earth. Nothing compares to working for God's Kingdom cause His love, this prize, this race is eternal. But I really need to work on my running.
Whatever I bind on earth will be loosed in Heaven, whatever I lose on earth will be bound in heaven. I don't want to leave this earth knowing that when I get to that gate, I won't hear the words I long to hear from Him "Well done good and faithful servant." I desire deep in my heart to hear those words when I reach Heaven. But to hear those words takes sacrifice, to let go of the things I so desperately want to hang onto on this earth. It's a constant battle between spirit and flesh, and I'm ashamed to admit that more than I would like it to, my flesh overtakes my spirit. And that has to do with a poor battling spirit on my part. For not training for this race, for thinking that I can constantly do it on my own. Because I can't, and I don't have to.
God is like the ultimate coach, and the Bible is like the ultimate guideline, teaching me how to run the biggest Marathon of Life. To realize that I can't run this race without Him. I need a coach right there in front of my guiding me and teaching me. Filling me with water when I thirst and a banana when the cramps and pains start to hit me from running for so long. But Paul says we must keep running, striving for the prize that is so much bigger than anything on this world. To loosen the chains that the world has us in and realize that God's way, God's will, God period, is just so AWESOME.
Giving up those things are hard, and it's taken me on a hard path, but without the trials and without the testing how can we learn to persevere, to feel the awesomeness of the end of the race and knowing that we did everything that our Coach told us to do, that we won, not by default, but because we were trained by The ALMIGHTY. Until the time He calls me home, I will keep running, keep praising, keep singing, even though there are no words that are not His, i will bring everything I have before Him, so He can take me and make me more like His Son. May He take all those things that keep me from a deeper love and may I let go without regret because what He has is so much better!
"At that time I will gather you; at that time i will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes." -Zephaniah 3:20.
In Christ
HIS and yours,
Cami
Sunday, October 9, 2011
21.
Yesterday was my 21st Birthday. I went out, and yes I had some drinks. I had fun with my friends and roommates, and the whole time I was out I was thinking of the fact that I have been alive for 21 years and I feel as if there is so much more than this. I can't believe that God has allowed me to live for 21 years and I only hope the next 21 and beyond will be pleasing to Him. I can't believe and fathom of all the things that He has blessed me with so in honor of Him giving me 21 years of life. 21 things of the awesomeness of Jesus. There is so many more than 21 but I feel I couldn't fit all the reasons in this box.
1. He died for me
2. He loves me for who He created me to be and not the sinner I am
3. He carries me through the trials and pain
4. He brings me so much joy and gives me so much love
5. He's blessed me with an amazing FAMILY
6. He's blessed me with a best friend and twin sister for the past 21 years
7. He's blessed me with a best friend, whose not blood related (but might as well be)
8. He's given me the opportunity to finish college
9. He took me to Uganda, and left a big piece of my heart there
10.He is my strength
11.He is my provider
12.He is my help
13.He is my soul and my love
14.He's given me wonderful friends at college
15.He's taught me how to love deeply, even though it hurts sometimes
16.He's taught me how to believe, to have faith, even through the darkest times
17.He's blessed me with amazing travels and friends through those travels
18.He's put the clothes on my back, the shoes on my feet, and the food on my plate
19.He always comes through for me and my family, even through the struggles
20.He knows my heart, He knows my soul, He knows my thoughts and loves me
21.He's given me an opportunity to return to Uganda, and yet He's also opening other doors as well.
There are so many more things, He is the ultimate best friend, lover, Father, GOD. I love Him so much, and I know at times I am horrible at showing Him and telling Him, but the amazing thing is that even though I am a sinner, He takes me as I am and shapes my heart to mirror His. and I can only pray and hope that the day when I stand before Him and He looks at me He will say "Well done, good and faithful servant."
God Bless you all on this day that the Lord has made.
HIS and yours,
Cami
1. He died for me
2. He loves me for who He created me to be and not the sinner I am
3. He carries me through the trials and pain
4. He brings me so much joy and gives me so much love
5. He's blessed me with an amazing FAMILY
6. He's blessed me with a best friend and twin sister for the past 21 years
7. He's blessed me with a best friend, whose not blood related (but might as well be)
8. He's given me the opportunity to finish college
9. He took me to Uganda, and left a big piece of my heart there
10.He is my strength
11.He is my provider
12.He is my help
13.He is my soul and my love
14.He's given me wonderful friends at college
15.He's taught me how to love deeply, even though it hurts sometimes
16.He's taught me how to believe, to have faith, even through the darkest times
17.He's blessed me with amazing travels and friends through those travels
18.He's put the clothes on my back, the shoes on my feet, and the food on my plate
19.He always comes through for me and my family, even through the struggles
20.He knows my heart, He knows my soul, He knows my thoughts and loves me
21.He's given me an opportunity to return to Uganda, and yet He's also opening other doors as well.
There are so many more things, He is the ultimate best friend, lover, Father, GOD. I love Him so much, and I know at times I am horrible at showing Him and telling Him, but the amazing thing is that even though I am a sinner, He takes me as I am and shapes my heart to mirror His. and I can only pray and hope that the day when I stand before Him and He looks at me He will say "Well done, good and faithful servant."
God Bless you all on this day that the Lord has made.
HIS and yours,
Cami
Friday, October 7, 2011
Slowly seeing the LIGHT.
He is teaching me to let Him be my light in this darkness. People don't understand no matter how hard I try to explain. But He understands. He knows. He's been through it all. I know I just need to trust in Him. He will illuminate my path to me. He will guide me to my destination. To my life. The only life I can have, with Him. He has left me breathless so many times, and now He is telling me to trust in Him, to trust in His way. TO Have FAITH. to BELIEVE. And let go of what I'm holding deep inside to be the one and only person He created me to be, whether people like more or not. Whether I am loved or unloved. To leave everything behind, like his disciples and to just follow without question. It's hard and I get frustrated very easily. No I'm not perfect, I am a sinner, I know that, it's hard to accept that I can't be everything He asks of me. But I will never stop trying. BEcause this life is not worth living, if I'm not living it for him. His light will bring me through anything and everything. Just have faith and believe.
HIS and yours,
Cami
Fireflies by Jessa Anderson:
You illuminate the open air
I am silently catching every glimmer I can
Cause i know that when the lightning hits
I'll be standing here breathless in the wake of each glimpse
Your beauty radiates
It's filling the sky
You're breaking through the darkness
I'm like a child
Standing in amazement
Here in the night
You shine brighter than fireflies
Caught up in the mystery
I can't deny
Everything around me
Reflects your light
You shine brighter than fireflies
I'm surrounded by your brilliant glow
And i marvel in wonder at the sight i behold
I am running with an empty jar
Want to capture it all, I'm chasing after your heart
Your love is infinite
It's filling the sky
Now that I've seen who you are
You're all that i want
I can't turn away
Now that I've seen who you are
HIS and yours,
Cami
Fireflies by Jessa Anderson:
You illuminate the open air
I am silently catching every glimmer I can
Cause i know that when the lightning hits
I'll be standing here breathless in the wake of each glimpse
Your beauty radiates
It's filling the sky
You're breaking through the darkness
I'm like a child
Standing in amazement
Here in the night
You shine brighter than fireflies
Caught up in the mystery
I can't deny
Everything around me
Reflects your light
You shine brighter than fireflies
I'm surrounded by your brilliant glow
And i marvel in wonder at the sight i behold
I am running with an empty jar
Want to capture it all, I'm chasing after your heart
Your love is infinite
It's filling the sky
Now that I've seen who you are
You're all that i want
I can't turn away
Now that I've seen who you are
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)