Crying in the Bathroom Stall

…drip

…drip

…drip

The faucet slowly releases little droplets of water into the tub.

…splish

…splash

They hit the cold porcelain and find their way to the drain. 

Lately it has felt like I am curled up in scalding water in a porcelain tub. The steam burning my skin and water enveloping me as I sink underneath, holding my breath until my lungs burn. My head filled with liquid, shutting out the rush of the world. silence. so much silence.

and I've come to know silence well. Because when you sit in silence long enough, you learn that silence has a motion. It glides over you without shape or form, but with weight, exactly like water. 

and that weight has become heavy, oh so heavy upon my back and upon chest, upon my eyes and upon my heart. The silence of me. the silence of people. and at times it seems the silence of God. 

Someone found me in the bathroom stall today; head between my knees, sobs throughout my chest, crouched down, leaking tears all over the floor. They thought I was sick or injured, no, just overwhelmed. I was just cursed and yelled at on the phone for our store not having a book in stock for someone's Christmas present. 

People are brutal. 

But it hasn't been just that one time. This has happened many times. The short tones, the huffs over the phone, as if it is my fault that this gift will not be hand delivered to the person. And no matter how much I apologize, no matter how much help I offer. I'm still just a "stupid f***ing customer service bitch who doesn't know how to do my job." And one can only take so much, until words start to sink in, until words start to wound. Until one is found crying in a bathroom stall. 

Just shake it off, brush it off your shoulders. but I can't and I won't, my heart is a sensitive one. and people...

People are brutal. 

and I keep thinking, God I did not come home for this. God where are you in this? And I can't seem to find Him, I can't seem to hear Him. I want guidance, I crave it, desire it, and yet I feel like I'm wandering waywardly in the dark, my hands out in front of my face, praying I won't hit anything that will damage me too badly. 

Over and over in my head I hear, "We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 

and deep down I know He is here. and it seems I am so deep inside, I see no end in sight, and no distance. and maybe, just maybe I'm not suppose to. but i want to.

I want an end to the madness. To the brutality of people against other people. an end to customer service. 

I want an end to the debate over what is a sin and what is not. 

I want an end to being so lost in the world, that I lose who I am in Jesus. 

He did not come so that we could live a cushioned lifestyle. He came so that we could lose our lives so He could save them. He came to turn our lives upside down, so that they could be right side up. and our heads are stuck so far into our own lives, into our television sets of reality TV, that we are lost to the reality of the REAL world. 

to the massacres in Syria. 

to the empty hearts in America

to the the desperate needs of those around us.

in every country.

on every continent. 

we are blind to what really matters. 

and we push and shove to get the next best iPhone or whatever, but we're not pushing and shoving to fall at the feet of Jesus. to love on the lost, the damned, the oppressed. there is no pushing and shoving all I see is running and fleeing. 

We are all sinner in need of saving grace, and sometimes through His silence He is showing me that grace is what I need to learn more about. Of receiving it and giving it. Because it's not easy to be grace giving, it's not easy to tell someone to have a nice day after they scream and yell and curse at you on the phone. 

But it's all in trust. all in faith. Faith, a choice that doesn't feel like a choice, because love is always greater than the sum of it's evidence. Love is always greater. He is love. and I am called to love, even through the silent moments. 

My heart is hurting. But I need to step out of my porcelain tub, unlock the bathroom stall and just keep on going. keep on pushing and shoving through, reaching out my hands, even if it seems dark, to the people God is calling me too. Even those unruly customers on the telephone. 

Because We are faithful to Him who is faithful... because of who He is. because He's worth all of it, whether we feel it or not, we are to be His hands and His feet.

There is a God to know.

There are people to love, to listen to, to clothe, to care for, to feed. 

They are both friends and total strangers, both next-door neighbors and brother and sisters across the oceans. 

There are mouths to feed, feet to get dirty and hands to hold, children to love.

Going in Faith.

But it is all grace anyway. the giving and the gift- grace.

We ask, and He gives

and gives.

Sometimes when we want it, and sometimes when we need it, Sometimes the same, sometimes different.

But there is always Grace.

And sometimes you have to be crying on the bathroom floor, to finally hear a break in the silence.

"Be still. I am here." 

my bones are tired, but they're still shaking. My heart is torn, but it's done breaking. My hope is set on things unseen. 

HIS and yours,

 Cami 

a letter to the little girl I know so well.

 A Letter to Myself At 13:

     There are so many things I wish to tell you. So many things I wish to say. I know you. I know you oh so well. I know your tender heart, and your mind-numbing thoughts, and your leaky soul of creativity. I know your longing for a deep kind of love, for something more than this world, for your passion and constant yearning to reach for people and grasp them tight and love them without reason. I know, because I am you; I'm you at 23. 

   And let me start by telling you one thing, one very important thing that you will tend to forget the next ten years of your life. You are without doubt loved beyond recognition, loved without bounds, loved unconditionally. "There is no Flaw in You" (Songs 4:7). Just take that bit of information and write it down on the edge of your heart. Scribble it across those walls you've built up to keep yourself safe. Because love is going to tear down those walls… God's beautiful love, and you'll never see it coming. 

  I know you're rolling your eyes at me right now. God, yeah right. Trust me, He's already been working in your life, since the day you were born. Stretching and working and molding the clay. you'll see and you'll never be the same, my beautiful soul, my beautiful sister, my beautiful self. Your harden heart is already being softened and molded. And that is a beautiful thing. 

  There are going to be times when you feel you give your love too easily to people… And there are going to be days you want to rip your heart right off your sleeve and tuck it deep within your pocket. To hide and protect it from curious eyes and judgmental fingers that stare and poke. Don't do it. Don't hide away your heart from the world. Don't tuck your hands in your pocket and shrug your shoulders like you don't care. Trust me little girl, God is calling you to much greater plans, much greater things, than what you can see in this moment. 

  The hands that touch and prod your heart are going to leave fingerprints for years and years to come. Hands from all over the country and all over the world. Hands of family, hands of friends, hands of First Nation children, Hands of Prisoners, Hands of Ugandans, Hands of Haitians, Hands of Germans, Hands of Kenyans, hands of Tanzanians, of orphans and widows and missionaries. Their hands, their faces, their names, you won't be able to forget and you won't ever want to. God is calling you to these people, to love recklessly.  I know it's hard to understand, especially right now when all you can think about is surviving Physical Science and Algebra one. 

  And I know you've felt it. Those feelings that seem to get so big in your chest, like something is so beautiful it aches. You can feel it now, in these tough moments of high school. They are preparing you for what is to come. For the tough moments in College and traveling, and relationships. in ten years there will be two people, two strangers who are going to speak words that will move your heart, "There is a radiance in you that this world needs." God's radiance. The radiance of Christ. 

 In this moment, deep down I know your heart is yearning for something worldly, for that amazing man to come sweep you off your feet. My sweet girl, he is not coming. he will not be coming and in ten years he will have yet to show up at your doorstep. But trust one thing. Jesus. the One amazing Man who doesn't need to show up because He's already with you. You're yearning for that romantic worldly relationship is going to fade out. I know it's a miracle and hard to believe. But it is going to be overshadowed by your need for Jesus and your heart for serving Him and Him only. You, my dear will not be content to live a merely "normal" life or settle for any average existence. You are destined for so much more.  

 Cameron, You are brave and strong and fierce, and you are that way for a reason. You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love. You are sensitive, and opinionated, and sometimes quiet, something not everyone knows how to understand. You are reckless, and bold, and will constantly be moving, something that not everyone will know how to grasp onto. But God  has so many amazing things planned for you in the next ten years. 

 Be patient, get out in the world and start doing, but wait on Him and only Him. 

  Remember, waiting is the great grace, a subtle sign for those with eyes to see, reminding us that there is work yet to be done-- not just around us, but in us. There is much work to be done in you, and at 23, there is much more work to be done. Waiting and patience will become your prayer, your necklace. God is working so much. It's hard to understand right now, but Trust in Him, it's easier said than done, step out from your fear and trample it beneath your feet and free fall into His amazing Grace and His Loving arms. 

 Don't lose your love or the fire in your belly. Don't lose your compassion, it hurts, especially when you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything, And you cannot turn away. Your big heart will make sense to you in years to come. And sometimes words just won't get you there… they won't let you say all the stuff from deep in your heart, stuff that no dictionary has a name for. But never stop writing. And never stop sharing His stories... This is one journey you are going to want to write down. 

 Continue to share your heart with people even if it's been broken. You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy. The heaviness is what you will ask for. The heaviness is what you need. It is your deep love for Christ and the burdens He has given you that will push you forward. Never let go of that. Never let go of Him.

Keep growing. Keep seeking.

Be Passionate, Be reckless. Be bold.

 Love God, Love others.

  I may be far away, but I will always be within reach. Always.

    HIS,

   You at 23.