from this day forward...

I will make a difference.
Jesus, I thank You that You suffered and died for me on the cross to pay for my sins. Father, I thank You that You raised Jesus from the dead to be my living Lord and Savior. Holy Spirit, I thank You that You will lead me to do the right thing and change my world. Today, Lord, I want to make You a promise. I will not be ashamed of Your name or Your Gospel. I will do what I can for those who are persecuted and pray for them. I will look enemies in the eye and love them with Your love. I will pray for them and love them-- no matter what the consequences. I will follow Your voice wherever You lead me, unafraid, for I know You will be with me. If I should stumble, if I fall, if I should deny Your name, if I should feel guilty that I did not pray or forgot to do something You've asked me to do, I will not quit. I will not wallow in guilt. i will turn back to You, confess my sin, and do what You called me to do, because that is why You died for me. I will stand with You and my brothers and sisters around the world, because no matter what happens, no matter what I face or how it looks, in the end, we will be victorious- we will inherit eternity and heaven with You. I can do nothing else, because
... I am am Your daughter, a radical lover of the One and Only King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

Stronger

Best way to describe how I am feeling.
Stronger By: Mandisa
Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ...

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

It all sounded so easy.

It all sounded so easy at the beginning of this year. School. Friendships. Africa. Graduating. Now, I just don't know anymore.

This has probably been one of my toughest years yet. Friendships have gone south and at times I think there is no way I can save them. Africa is probably something that has my heart on edge. I can't wait to be there and yet it seems every time I turn around I have to have more and more money. Money that I don't even have. It's frustrating and has me at tears more often than not. And then the idea of changing my major pops into my head, because I haven't been able to write in so long and I feel like my writing isn't improving or going anywhere. But if I do that, I might not be able to graduate next year and that means an extra year, and that means more money that my family doesn't have. Yeah I always hear it will get better, but at this moment it feels as if it can only get worse from here.

At these moment is typically where I say... "And this is where my Faith comes in..." My Faith, the thing that has been shifted, tormented, broken, shook, tattered, lost, found, weakened, strengthened. My Faith has been tested and tested and tested. Over and Over again. I'm hanging on to the train of His robe, crying out, apologizing for the sinful human I am. I don't know what to do or where to go. and I know I must trust in Him. The hardest part is I don't believe it. at least not right now. I'm being honest, I'm being real. I don't believe that all the TRUST in the world can get me through all of this. It is not something I can explain, because it's unexplainable.

I am thinking someday I'm going to look back on this day and laugh at it with the Lord. Because deep down in my heart I know that He is going to pull me through this. It's not that I don't believe in Him, I don't believe in myself. I don't believe that I will have enough patience to wait on Him, to cry out to Him until He answers. Because I am an impatience, selfish, uncaring, human being. I am ashamed of who I am and I admit that flat out. I admit that I am jealous of the attention my brother gets from my parents, I am ashamed of how little I appreciate all that my parents have sacrificed to "just get by" for our family. I'm ashamed of what a terrible friend and sister I am. I am ashamed of what I constantly clog my mind and heart with. But most of all I am ashamed that I don't believe in myself enough. Because God believes in me and loves me with all His heart. He sacrificed more than anything for my life to be a testimony to Him. And right now my life is worth nothing. It is no testimony. It's just a picture of a girl just "trying to get by."

but God is not calling me to just get by. He is calling me to give up everything. I constantly talk about it. Giving up everything, but I realize how much I hang on to compared to how much I give up. I told someone once that I wish I could just be in Heaven with God now. They responding saying, well if you are in Heaven now than how are people going to experience God's love without one of His followers there to share it. And that's when I realized something. God has granted me the privilege to live this life, He has given me a choice to live the way I want and yet He calls me to Him, even when I ignore Him. This life is mine to live or mine to give up. And right now I just want to "live" to "just get by." But the better choice is to give it up. All of it. The happiness, the love, the anger, the pain, the stress, my family, my friends, my dreams, and let Him take control.

He is drawing me near to Him and no matter how much I try to push Him away, He will continue to draw me nearer to Him. Because He loves me. So no matter how many tears I shed, no matter how many times I fail. God has and continues to pick me up. to hold me to a higher standard. to a higher calling. His calling. And even through what I am feeling right now, I am going to do whatever it takes to respond to that calling, no matter how long it takes, no matter how much it hurts. Take my hand God and guide me. Take me through the river and cleanse me.

"Precious Lord, take my hand.
Lean on me. Let me stand.
I am tired. I am weak. I am worn.
Through the storm.
Through the night.
Lead me on to the light.
Take my hand, precious Lord,
and lead me home."
-Thomas A Dorsev

About a Year Ago... Steps of Faith

It's crazy looking back to a year ago and how much things have changed, how much I have changed.

Around this time a year ago God called me to take a giant step out in my faith. He had been calling me for five months and I followed faithfully, waiting, listening, and praying. He put through testing and taught me how to lean on Him for guidance, protection, and all my answers. Through my listening and crying out to Him, He blessed my life with an amazing person. I was able, for five months, to see this person through the eyes of God. To see how much love God had for this one person was amazing but to see how much love this person had for God now that was indescribable. I was blessed by this person's life and testimony to God and I can't say I've ever met another person like them. I don't know where this person is now, I don't know if they remember me, or if I will ever meet them again. but I know that if I wouldn't have taken that step out in my faith, I would have never known that people like that, warriors of God, lovers of God, really are out there. I will never forget that person and the way God used them to bless my life and to remind me of His faithfulness.

And now here I sit a year later ready to take another step of faith. Not knowing where I am headed or who I will be with, just listening, waiting, and praying that God will guide me in His way. Africa seems like a dream, and yet in a short 48 or so days it will be a reality. My finances aren't all in, I feel as if I am no where near prepared for this journey and yet I know and I am trusting in God, my Provider for everything. Because it will all work out in His perfect timing. And if I have learned anything from a year ago, is that if I step out in faith and obedience, I will be richly blessed. And these blessing are heavenly, no earthly prize could compare to the way my Jesus makes me feel.

"We live by faith and not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7 So I will walk blindly into the place God has called, because He has the best eyes and He has a hold of my hand and will guide me and will always be with me to the end of the age. I know He will provide all I need and more, because He is so Awesome.

Rambles

I don't know what is going on in my brain right now but I can't concentrate.


Surrender means you have to quit doing things your way and do them God’s way — quite a paradigm shift...


Sometimes in the tumult of a testing time, or in even the busy-ness of day to day issues we need to stop our hearts and remind ourselves about God. We need to stop and be at peace, reassured and confident that we are children of the King, that there is an eternal purpose for our efforts and refinements.

Even if we have no answers or any other way to reconcile what is happening to us or around us, we can be secure that God is God, the God of mercy and compassion, love and peace, grace and hope, Jehovah our Provider, Jehovah our Healer, Jehovah our Breakthrough.

Even if we know nothing else we can have hope in Who God Is. He is the same today, yesterday and will be tomorrow. He will never leave or depart us, never abandon us. Our names are written on the palm of his hand, and there are nail scars to reinforce the point.

Be still. Be still. We can stop our mind rushing this way and that way with worries and fears and doubts. We can bring it to obedience, aligning it with the truth found in the Word of God, the truth that reveals Who God is. We can stop the dashing this way and that looking for answers, remembering that our help comes from the Lord, and Is the Lord. We need to be still.

Be still may not even involve praying or worship, just an attitude of heart that when the thoughts creep in that cause the stress and doubt and fears that we just turn our heart towards God. That we know who He is.

Knowing who God is will help immeasurably in the storm and the fire. Knowing His promises for those situations brings hope and faith. It causes trust to rise in our hearts, so we can be still and trust God. This is why knowing the Word is so vital. It strengthens us for the hard road, and refreshes us in the dry place. It teaches us who God is.

Be blessed tonight/today, no matter what you are experiencing in your life and your day, your Lord and Savior knows what is going on and loves you and is with you. Be blessed and be still, and know your God.

"We don't know all the tests God will give you, but we can predict some of them, based on the Bible. You will be tested by major changes, delayed promises, impossible problems, unanswered prayers, undeserved criticism, and even senseless tragedies. In my own life I have noticed that God tests my faith through problems, tests my hope by how I handle possessions, and tests my love through people...When you understand that life is a test, you realize that nothing is insignificant in your life. Even the smallest incident has significance for your character development. Every day is an important day, and every second is a growth opportunity to deepen your character, to demonstrate love, or to depend on God. Some tests seem overwhelming, while others you don't even notice. But all of them have eternal implications."
-Rick Warren in The Purpose Driven Life