Saturday, June 4, 2016

What are you even doing with your life?!?!

Breathe Deep.

Sometimes my thoughts suffocate me.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

Ready? Okay. Let's do this.

I want to share my story and I want to know other people's as well. I feel deep in my heart that sharing stories, the real, ugly, broken ones, can be a powerful thing. because in sharing our stories, we must first accept them. We must own them. We must stop running from them or pushing them into the corner when company comes over. To share our story is to admit that we've been changed, that there has been growth, surrender, grace, forgiveness. That life may have knocked us down, but we continue to stand back up and fight. We tell our stories. We breathe our stories. We live our stories.

Especially in this moment when it feels like my story has reached a never ending ellipsis. I feel I need to take a step back, scribble on the pages, and reflect on what the Lord is teaching me in this hectic, long, and somewhat rough season.

And it feels like I'm trapped between two souls. One that really wants to stay and the other that just needs to go. to see, to be, to just run and feel wild and free. And I wish I could just split myself in two, and satisfy each half. But it's not entirely possible and I feel it would be highly problematic. For one part of me would forever live in the past and the other part would forever live in the future, and none of me would ever be present.

But really I'm just tired of people's mouths shaped like question marks and eyes wandering my face for answers. "What are you going to do with your life?" "You're almost 26."
yeah, I know that.

"You hardly have any friends."
yeah, I know that too.
"You're not in a relationship."
Yeah, I know that too.
"You've got so much to do."
Yeah, I know that too.

And then there's the other half. "You don't have to know what you're going to do with your life." "You're only going to be 26."
Yeah, I know that.

"You'll make friends eventually."
yeah, I know that too.
"You don't HAVE to be in a relationship."
Yeah, I know that too.
"You've plenty of time to do whatever you need to do."
Yeah, I know that too.

maybe the problem with me is that I think I know too much about things I know nothing about. That the things I should be handing over to God, I'm either handing over to people or clutching in tight fists. but I'm just tired and angry. tired of making plans, angry about trying to map my life out for the next thirty years. And I'm tired of other people trying to map out my life for me. tired of people telling me where I should live, what kind of job i should have, who i should date, how i should feel. I'm tired of people trying to make plans out of me. tired of making plans out of myself.

Isn't tomorrow promised to no man? I mean I'm not saying to not have plans, I'm just saying maybe i shouldn't be so mad when they don't work out. And maybe I should stop living just for the future, while I glance furtively into the past. and instead live for the day, for the moments I can usher in. for the breath in my lungs and the beats of my heart.

For the magnificence that is Christ working in my life.

I read once that "change is not for the faint of heart." yet I would also add that waiting and living falls under that category. like real, passionate living. Those things are not for the faint of heart as well.
It's the hearts that are tender under the storms choppy waves of almost but not quite yet. It's the hearts that are broken under the crushing weight of almost but never good enough. The hearts bruised, tattered, and worn from the constant prodding of fingers and hands that grab and pull in every direction of almost but hold on, wait a little longer, move a little faster, you're not getting any younger.

Almost, a word that could cause a natural disaster.

At times I feel like my life is compiled of almosts.

And I've been reading through the Old Testament and it deeply saddens me how much I tend to echo Israel's path of constant betrayal of God, complaining to God, and tantrum throwing when He leads me through the long way to the promise land. That for me, a woman who claims to be a woman of faith, i tend to put my trust more in people, than in God, because I want tangible answers, not just a rushing of wind. and I just don't understand.

but God calls us to trust, not understand. Sometimes "Come and follow me" (Matt 4:18) will be all the instruction we get.

This season has been a rough one. Honestly it's been and continues to be a season of constant questioning. A season that God has been chipping away at the idols I've made in my heart. And I've looked in the mirror and not recognized who I was and I've been failing at relationships with my family members and friends because I'm so engrossed in what I'm not doing, what I'm not accomplishing. And God is shaking me, pushing me, bending down low and whispering into my ear. "Wake up, O sleeper. Wake up." and I'm trying to blink the sleep from my eyes. "Live today with wide eyes, daughter. Notice the little things that you don't always pay attention to and love the people right in front of you."

Stop trying to plan your life out. Stop trying to accomplish meaningless things. because He has already gone ahead of me. And I need to dig deeper into His word, lean closer into His Spirit and take my guidance from Him. He is melting down the idols I've set up in my heart, and things are falling apart. But sometimes when things fall apart, the broken pieces allow all sorts of things to enter, and one of them is the presence of God.

I don't want to come to a standstill. I don't want to be at this moment in my life where I say this is it, this is all there is. I want to be constantly moving and learning and growing and discovering new things about God/people/the world/myself. I don't want to settle just because it's comfortable. Though I am also learning that sometimes the moving isn't so much as a motion of my body but of my spirit. That waiting in His presence, waiting on His timing, is just as much movement as any.

And my brain circuit just explode with the epicness of God's grace. That He would continue to chase after and give grace to my whore of a heart. That He would want me. Me of all people. I mean His love is crazy good. Sometimes Love is patient, sometimes it's kind and sometimes it rocks your face off. And God, even in this season of pain, in this season of dryness and wandering in the wilderness He rocks my face off with unconditional, unending, unmatchless love.

And I can see Him, who is that coming out up from the wilderness. My Beloved. He's beckoning me to Him, for He does not leave us in the dry and weary land. His promises are sure and true. And I just need to lean into Him, to have faith, to trust, and to Come and Follow Him.

May I usher His presence in. And may I be willing to trade a whisper of my name for a shout of His.

In the process of allowing God to redirect my steps,

HIS and yours,


p.s. I also have no idea what I am doing with my life. I lay it in the hands of God, may I not pick it back up again.