Dark to Light to Happy to Sad...

"After I had given up to go, the thoughts of the journey were often attended with unusual sadness, at which times my heart was frequently turned to the Lord with inward breathings for His heavenly support, that I might not fail to follow him wheresoever He might lead me." -John Woolman.



This has been the longest month of my life and it's not even over.

The truth is I don't even know where to begin, I don't know what is going on and I just want to feel like my self again. I haven't wanted to write about this, because then I knew once I had it down on paper or on the computer screen it would come alive and be real. I can't explain what is going on with me to anyone, not my friends, roommates, or family. I'm not good with words that come out of my mouth, I always seem to get in the way and totally mess up what I'm saying. The only way I know how to express myself is to write and that is something I really quit doing a while ago.

I've never felt this down in my life and people have tried to diagnose me saying that it is this or that or whatever. I don't know what's true and what's not. I know that I am human and I'm not a perfect Christian and I make mistakes, and yet it seems when I do something wrong it feels like the whole world is angry at me. and yet I don't know how to explain that to people. The feeling that as if I don't hate myself enough, everyone else is constantly looking and judging and building up a bitterness toward me and my moments of mistakes. And yet, I continue to love people and accept them for the stupid things they do with no bitterness no hatred, and it feels as if I am the one doing everything wrong. How? God How... I don't know what I'm doing.

The tears are getting annoying and the loneliness gets stronger everyday. I know that He is here and yet I am not doing anything to draw nearer to Him. It's my fault I feel like this and yet I'm so angry at Him for allowing me to feel this way. For not even giving me one person who can truly understand and accept me for the stupid-mistake making person I am. To understand that yeah I am going to get down I'm not going to be a happy happy person all the time I'm not going to want to laugh all the time and yet I desire to be that person. To be JOYFUL.

It's not that I am losing Faith, I love Jesus with all my heart I really do, but this flesh is so strong and this world is so MEAN and the struggles sometimes truly overtake a person and hold on to their hearts and to their souls and it takes a lot to get over. And I know I can't do it alone I know God is going to get me through this, but I have to stop sitting on my butt waiting for Him to come to me. I need to RUN to Him. Sometimes I just want to argue with Him, to yell at Him, to tell Him that this life is not easy... but it's all things He already knows. He sent is only Son who has gone through all the things I am and more, and yet I forget so many times that He knows. I wish I could be like Jacob and just wrestle Him, and want Him to break my hip, to subdue me to understand that He knows what He is doing and I am here for His purpose, not to make my friends or family or other people happy, but to please Him. I know I constantly let those people get in the way of my relationship with God. I want them to understand that this sadness, this thing that's going on with me is not me. but they don't need to understand, because this life is fleeting and the truth is I might not wake up tomorrow, and I would rather be in the graces of my Father then in the graces of friends.

Though I constantly feel like I'm going from dark to light to happy to sad, and the people around me are thinking I am some crazy person, I know that this struggle this trial WILL PASS and that by running to God, He can take me through anything, no talk with a human being CAN help me the way the Heavenly Father can. Because the darkness cannot put out the light, it can only make God brighter. So may he be Bright in my life. may He shine in ways I never thought possible though this darkness in my life right now. I'm not ashamed to say that I am a sinner, I'm not going to cover it up with glitzy post about how awesome my life is because I have Jesus and nothing bad ever happens to me. Lies. I would be lying. This life is anything but awesome , anything but easy. It's a constant struggle, a constant battle between flesh and spirit, heaven and earth. And God has given me the opportunity to wake up and decided which I choose dark or light.

And I will continue to choose the light, because though it's the hardest way, it's the way the earth shuns. It is the only way that will lead me to Jesus, to dancing with my King in golden streets. Because Heaven would not be Heaven without Jesus. And Jesus would not be as sweet without the struggles we go through to reach out and touch the train of His robe. I'm not saying give up the struggle, do not doubt, stop trying to turn childish beliefs into mature ones. The old Testament heroes of faith were people who dared admit their bafflement, who dared to wrestle, who even dared argue with God. And out of anything God can do a mighty work. And in Him is where I put my hope, my trust, my love, my life.


May His light shine upon you, wherever you may be.

HIS and yours,


Cami





"Cause it's the inside outside upside down kingdom. Where you lose to gain and you die to live." - Jessi Fisher

a Flaws a Flaw, Thank God...

(Journal Entry from September 9th 2010)
To be comfortable in my own skin. To see and to love myself the way God loves me. It's something I have been struggling with, something I have been striving for. It's hard and I constantly ask God why I look the way I do. Everyone around me is so much prettier, so much skinnier, has a boyfriend or something along those lines. It seems that every girl I pass is tiny, my roommates, the girls in my class, in church, on T.V. It's always in my face, that I am not an average sized girl, it's pointed out to me constantly and the only thing I can think to do is stop. Stop eating, stop looking in mirrors. I'm afraid of what this world is telling me that it's voice is slowly getting louder than the whispers of my Lord, "All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you." Song of Songs 4:7. He see's no flaws when I see many. This earth has continually distorts my vision of who I am supposed to be. God's daughter, loving who I am and how He has made me.


Wow, it's crazy to look back on where I was almost a year ago. I know I have changed a lot since last September. I love who I am, and yes I times I still struggle with how I look and comparing myself with others, but I have learned to listen to the little whispers of God rather than listening to the ridicule and shouts from this world. It is hard living in a society where woman are told to look a certain way. i have to say being in Uganda really change my perspective on how I look. I don't know how many times I was told I was beautiful and how healthy I looked. I'd never heard from any other person besides my father tell me that Iw as beautiful, it touched my heart. Especially coming from a high school and a college where looks are something that is extremely important and Gorgeousness according to the world's definition is not what I have. It's been told to me bluntly and not so bluntly that I am not really that pretty, actually I could use a little more make-up and a little less food.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I was ashamed of myself, constantly trying to eat less, run more, wearing baggy clothes so people wouldn't notice that I wasn't as small as my friends. But I'm not that person any more. I love who I am. Every pound, every pimple, every freckle, ever frizzy hair, white legs, big feet. God made me into this person, and who am I to say that I am worthless when He finds great worth in me. When I ridicule not only myself but others I am bashing God and His creation. And Who am I but a puny girl with nothing great to offer God.

I've learned in life that God makes each one of us the way we are for a purpose and we can either sit around and complain about what we don't have or get up and use what we do to Further His Kingdom. I constantly hear woman say i'd like myself more if I looked like this or I had that blah blah blah. And I just want to say "Open your eyes and see how beautiful God has made you!"
but no one really wants to listen to someone this world believes to be average, ordinary plane jane.

But there is Someone higher that this world, higher than the heavens who hears my voice and calls me Beloved, Tirzah, BEAUTIFUL. and for me that's the Person that I want to please, the Person who has my heart. the Person who truly knows me, because He created me. The One and Only Person who matters to me. Everyone else and their opinions of who I am and what I'm suppose to look like can't, won't and no longer affect me. Because My God is higher, is better, and has my Heart.

All I need is Him. I don't need the perfect face, perfect body, make-up, nice clothes, a man, pretty friends, shoes, or whatever else this world says. I don't want this world. I want the ONE who made the world.

I love Him and He loves me. What more could I ask for. For a Heavenly Man whose love has no bounds.

He's all I need, all I want, all I am. Forevermore.

Loving on Jesus,

HIS and yours,

Cami


Embrace:
This poetry is my own twisted symphony
Afraid of who I was, crippled and broken
The simplest notion translates to a tragedy
This unfair heart is reaching out, unspoken
Love me, take me, mold me, and shape me
Into the mystery of who you are
If only I could escape this debris
And I need you more than I need this world
Lord, catch me when I run to you
Forever in your embrace, this my soul will take.
Because without you I am nothing
You love me despite my failure and discomposure
You love this girl of little faith- turn her into something.
Forever I am yours forever you are mine
Let our hearts collide, because without you
These waves will drown me out.
by: Kara Johnson

Love?!?!

Verse for the day 1 John 3:1-2.
This verse is something I need to carry with me, not just for today but every single day. "How great the love of the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of GOD!" How GREAT! That He fills me with so much love and lets it rest upon me. That He fills my hungry heart with more of Him as I search Him out more. His love and presence are limitless. They are not bound by time, by life or death, by this earth. The Almighty if infinite. He is a loving, yet just God. One that I fear and one that I love.
He is with me always, to the very end of the age. It's okay if the world does not know me, I don't want them to know me, for it did not know Him. And this life is fleeting and this earth is passing away. There is no importance to have my name in a book or magazine here, I'd much rather have my name in His book. The Book of Life.
I will not lose heart and I am not of this world. Inwardly I am being renewed everyday by the knowledge, love, and glory of the Father. My light and momentary trouble are achieving for me an eternal glory that outweighs anything and everything this world could ever give me. Because I do not want to focus on what is temporary, but what is eternal.
As I grow and seek out God's will for my life and learn how to fear Him and love Him, it's becoming easier to let go of this life, that most people so desperately cling onto, and place it in His mighty hands. I have learned that when my life is in His hands everything fits into place. And when I try to take control, it's just chaos. So I leave my life up to Him, because He knows exactly what He has for me and He knows exactly what He is doing. I've become confident in everything He is asking of me and guiding me to do all for His Kingdom.

"For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God who said, "Let light shine out of the darkness," made His light shine in our hearts to give us light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ." -2 Corinthians 4:5-6.

Shining my Light...


HIS and yours,

Cami