This has been the longest month of my life and it's not even over.
The truth is I don't even know where to begin, I don't know what is going on and I just want to feel like my self again. I haven't wanted to write about this, because then I knew once I had it down on paper or on the computer screen it would come alive and be real. I can't explain what is going on with me to anyone, not my friends, roommates, or family. I'm not good with words that come out of my mouth, I always seem to get in the way and totally mess up what I'm saying. The only way I know how to express myself is to write and that is something I really quit doing a while ago.
I've never felt this down in my life and people have tried to diagnose me saying that it is this or that or whatever. I don't know what's true and what's not. I know that I am human and I'm not a perfect Christian and I make mistakes, and yet it seems when I do something wrong it feels like the whole world is angry at me. and yet I don't know how to explain that to people. The feeling that as if I don't hate myself enough, everyone else is constantly looking and judging and building up a bitterness toward me and my moments of mistakes. And yet, I continue to love people and accept them for the stupid things they do with no bitterness no hatred, and it feels as if I am the one doing everything wrong. How? God How... I don't know what I'm doing.
The tears are getting annoying and the loneliness gets stronger everyday. I know that He is here and yet I am not doing anything to draw nearer to Him. It's my fault I feel like this and yet I'm so angry at Him for allowing me to feel this way. For not even giving me one person who can truly understand and accept me for the stupid-mistake making person I am. To understand that yeah I am going to get down I'm not going to be a happy happy person all the time I'm not going to want to laugh all the time and yet I desire to be that person. To be JOYFUL.
It's not that I am losing Faith, I love Jesus with all my heart I really do, but this flesh is so strong and this world is so MEAN and the struggles sometimes truly overtake a person and hold on to their hearts and to their souls and it takes a lot to get over. And I know I can't do it alone I know God is going to get me through this, but I have to stop sitting on my butt waiting for Him to come to me. I need to RUN to Him. Sometimes I just want to argue with Him, to yell at Him, to tell Him that this life is not easy... but it's all things He already knows. He sent is only Son who has gone through all the things I am and more, and yet I forget so many times that He knows. I wish I could be like Jacob and just wrestle Him, and want Him to break my hip, to subdue me to understand that He knows what He is doing and I am here for His purpose, not to make my friends or family or other people happy, but to please Him. I know I constantly let those people get in the way of my relationship with God. I want them to understand that this sadness, this thing that's going on with me is not me. but they don't need to understand, because this life is fleeting and the truth is I might not wake up tomorrow, and I would rather be in the graces of my Father then in the graces of friends.
Though I constantly feel like I'm going from dark to light to happy to sad, and the people around me are thinking I am some crazy person, I know that this struggle this trial WILL PASS and that by running to God, He can take me through anything, no talk with a human being CAN help me the way the Heavenly Father can. Because the darkness cannot put out the light, it can only make God brighter. So may he be Bright in my life. may He shine in ways I never thought possible though this darkness in my life right now. I'm not ashamed to say that I am a sinner, I'm not going to cover it up with glitzy post about how awesome my life is because I have Jesus and nothing bad ever happens to me. Lies. I would be lying. This life is anything but awesome , anything but easy. It's a constant struggle, a constant battle between flesh and spirit, heaven and earth. And God has given me the opportunity to wake up and decided which I choose dark or light.
And I will continue to choose the light, because though it's the hardest way, it's the way the earth shuns. It is the only way that will lead me to Jesus, to dancing with my King in golden streets. Because Heaven would not be Heaven without Jesus. And Jesus would not be as sweet without the struggles we go through to reach out and touch the train of His robe. I'm not saying give up the struggle, do not doubt, stop trying to turn childish beliefs into mature ones. The old Testament heroes of faith were people who dared admit their bafflement, who dared to wrestle, who even dared argue with God. And out of anything God can do a mighty work. And in Him is where I put my hope, my trust, my love, my life.
May His light shine upon you, wherever you may be.
HIS and yours,
Cami
"Cause it's the inside outside upside down kingdom. Where you lose to gain and you die to live." - Jessi Fisher
No comments:
Post a Comment