Thursday, January 20, 2011

This is me...

This is me.

When I feel weak, but know that He is strong.

When I’m at the end of my wits, and He shows me a way out.

When I’m heart-broken, and He comes to heal.

When I despise myself, and He tells me I do have worth.

When I doubt Him, and He comes showing Himself.

When I can’t trust anyone, and He shows his faithfulness.

When I’ve lost all hope, and He performs a miracle.

When I feel oppressed and persecuted for my faith, and He gives me an armor of courage made of the Spirit.

I am in this position when I know nothing else but God can fulfill me.

When I lift up my head and rise from this position, there is always hope and joy in me.

Because when I accept the love of God,

Fear walks away disappointed.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I have no patience.

Especially with myself.

The decisions that I have made and have yet to make are looming over me and I don't really know which way to go.
As of right now I am regretting the decision of coming back to school. It might just be because I am overloaded with classes and volunteer work and many other things, that I can't back out of, because that would be too much of a jerk move. Or it could be that I am no longer satisfied with this school and the people in it. I feel awful saying this but I feel it is just time to move on, get my life started. but I know part of that will be hard without finishing my college education. Which was the only reason I chose to come back. Not because I missed my friends or roommates, not because I was looking forward to learning or the professors and not because I wanted to get away from my family. No I came back so I could get my degree and get on with my life. I don't want to live in the past or in my college years forever I want to do something awesome with my life, something that glorifies the Father in Heaven and not my father on earth.

Yet I find myself impatient with everything right now. With class, with people. with friends, with the pansy men this campus produces. And especially with myself. Like last night, I made myself go to bed at 11:00 because I wanted to get up and spend time with God, well I couldn't fall asleep because my apartment was quite loud and I have a problem with shutting off my brain, so I ended up not falling asleep until 1:30 in the morning and then when my alarm went off at 7:30 i turned it off and rolled over and slept until 9:30 so i had a half hour to get ready for Chapel and no time for God. I mean what is my deal. How rude of me to put off God for sleep.

I don't know what I am doing right now besides just trying to survive school and interactions with people. I know what I need to do and it's seek God in the morning in the evening and all the time in between. Forget the newest TV shows and movies and what the next big thing is. I tell you what the big thing is. GOD. and it's me and Him, forever and ever and no one can get in the way of that and no one can tell me that what He has called me to is wrong. No friend, no parent, no sister, no guy, nobody. Because He is calling me and NOW is my time to LISTEN and never ever tune Him out!.

HIS and yours,


Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Gifts, Wounds, Forgiveness.

In Psalm 37 David says “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.” King Solomon says: “what the wicked fears will come upon him, but the desire of the righteous will be granted.” Isaiah says it this way: “And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in a scorched land.” In the second century Saint Irenaeus wrote this: “The glory of God is man fully alive.”
Our Heavenly Father is the Creator and Giver of every perfect gift; gifts that could be described as the talents, attributes, and personality traits unique to each of His children. He delights in observing our growth in these talents. Not for the attainment of fame or fortune, as that focus gives opportunity for the dark areas of our souls to be fed, but for sheer pleasure of taking a gift bestowed on us by God and returning it to Him. This He delights in.
What father would not love to see his son or daughter win the championship sports game. I believe it is the same with our heavenly Father. He desires us to reach glory with His gifts so we can share in it together with Him.
The thief of our souls is vehemently opposed to this. He will distract or convince us that seeking excellence is bringing glory to ourselves or most insidious of all, lead us to counterfeits, occupations, or activities that seem to fill us with life but in reality only distract us from the genuine gifts our heavenly Father had placed within us.
Is there anything you used to deeply love but have not undertaken in a significant period of time?
Take it up again. A number of interest probably fit that description, but I suggest you start with the one that came to mind first. It is likely the one that needs releasing in greatest measure.
The truth is that there are so many things that are stealing our attention from these gifts, from the things that we deeply love, that God has given us the desire in our hearts to love.
Paul talks about strongholds on his epistles. A stronghold is anything that keeps us from the freedom of being in Christ Jesus.
The Gospel of John tells us if we know the Son we shall be free indeed. The apostle Paul says it was for freedom’s sake that Christ set us free. He didn’t’ set us free for duty or obligation but for freedom itself. This is indeed a staggering and amazing though. With that in mind, we must as what the stronghold are that Jesus wants to set us free from.
The answer is not overly complex. They are anything we’ve given room to in our lives in an attempt to cover up our wounds from the past; be they from friends, family, coaches, teachers, or parents.
If we do not face the wound, we will fabricate a variety of other interest to dull the pain and thus bury it. The relentless pursuit of money, the quest for fame, the approval of men, drug abuse, illicit sexual relations, movies of degrading nature, even and addiction to food. The list is long, but the reason is always the same.
We try to forgive those who wound us, but this only deals with the symptoms. The wound remains like a field of dandelions with their tips cut off. No, we must always go after the root of the tree and remove it completely so there is no opportunity for the stronghold to return. Only then can we truly forgive.
I pray the you have the strength to go to the root.

HIS and yours,


Psalm 51:6: “Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.”

-most of these thoughts come from James L. Rubart's book Rooms.

Monday, January 3, 2011

I've Come to terms

I've come to terms with who I am.
and it's not a wonderful person.
I lie, I cheat, I steal, I gossip. and I'm sure so much more.
Something has got to change.
I need to change.
But other things as well and I believe it starts with me and will move from me to.
the people I hang out with, the things I do in my free time.
but most of all I need, desperately need to be spending more time with God and less time with the world.