Tuesday, November 30, 2010

God... I just don't know...

I was trusted.
I was trusted with nails in hands and scars on a back that tried to take the weight of the world I insisted on lifting onto my shoulders.
I was trusted with words that could heal the sick and broken.
I was trusted with a death that gave life and feet that could walk on water.
It was all I ever wanted,
and yet it was too real, and so I looked away and asked the wolrd for all the above, but could I please have what my flesh wants as well?
And I turned away and I ran. And I saw myself in the mirror too many broken pieces and too many scars on my arms, too many scabs on my legs to ever beg acceptance.
And even as those hands that trusted me ran their scarred palms over my back to calm my queezy stomach, I still held out my balled up fists and said “more”.
I want to believe that there’s still a chance for me, that hope isn’t something I could spend on empty passions and bottles of sleeping pills.
I swear I saw what love looked like in my sleep. And I felt what fullness could be if I just opened my eyes and stopped telling myself I was dreaming.
But I am doubtful in a way that would make Thomas cringe. And I am unfaithful to the point where Peter looks away from me and shakes his head.
I heard myself speaking things I swore I knew belonged to me, but I never claimed them as my own.
And now all I have are shakey hands and one foot on either side of a fence I am too afraid to tear down.
“They’re just people; they shoulodn’t make you nervous.”
What about me then? Am I also only human that I should not fear what these broken and selfish hands can do?
I have maimed and torn. I have delivered hell onto the souls of the innocent.
Who am I that you would want me to be one of the pieces in the puzzle of two becoming one? Who am I that you would wish to call me equally yoked?
Can you really clean up this disheartened smile? Can your mouth really place itself on mine and renew every curse word that has sang against you when I swore I just didn’t know better?
It’s not that I no longer have faith in you,
I just struggle to believe that you ever had faith in me.

He Loves You. He Saves You. He is Enough.

When your will to fight hangs only on the whispers of hope that dangles in front of your unwholesome mind. He will fight for you because this was never meant to be yours alone to hold. In our weakness we should find in Him our strength. In our griefs and our failures with lowly adoration His grace is made complete. The soul will always be dependent upon Grace and the more that it aspires is the more needful it will be. Without it the soul can do nothing for His perfection is sovereign and infinite.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Going against the Flow.

I read this article on sheseeks.org and it was a big encouragement for me and the things I am going through so I wanted to share it...

If you are a 20-something member of society who is also a believer in Jesus Christ, you probably feel like you spend much of your time going against the flow.

I know it is an excruciatingly difficult place to live, as one 20-something friend recently shared with me. “In my community, it’s hard to stand for truth,” she said. “It’s even harder to know what is really true, to begin with.”

Absolute truth is not a popular topic. To some, it feels stifling. To others, it seems intolerant. Many would argue that it is far easier to live without the restrictions we sometimes see as imposing.

Jesus knew it would be this way for us. As He encouraged the Church in Thyatira to “hold tightly to what you have until I come” (Revelation 2:24b-25), He encourages us today. The reality is, regardless of your community, it’s getting noticeably tougher for all believers to make that upstream swim.

I dare say that if you believe in the way God defines marriage, in many circles, you go against the flow.

If you believe there is one way to heaven, people will stand in line to tell you different.

If you don’t take sex casually, you are in the minority.

But please know this: just because the world tells you different, that does not make you wrong. It just means that you are experiencing what Christ talked about in II Peter 2:3-4, the last day “scoffers.” This post is not a lesson in the end of the world. It’s simply a reminder that if people surround you who question your belief in God’s truth, you are right in line with what Jesus said would happen.

So, how do we stay strong when everything is pulling us away from truth? How do we know what to believe, anyway? I have a few thoughts about this that I hope will be helpful to you.

˜ Understand the difference between intolerance and a belief in personal holiness. I Peter 1:16 encourages us to, “…be holy, because I am holy.” It’s not our option to decide if we want to live with the character of Jesus — it is something all believers are called to do and should desire. While society deems things like monogamous male-female marriage, sexual purity and belief in one God as intolerant, those are things that align us with the character of Christ. He would never ask us to belittle, reject or ridicule those that believe differently than we do, just as He would never ask us to endorse their behaviors or accept their beliefs as our own. We have to understand the difference in order to know what we believe and why that belief guides our life. Love people and accept them as a person without taking on their beliefs, when they differ from the truth in the Word. No matter what others may say, there is a difference.

˜ Plant deep to stay grounded. It is more important than ever to know the Word, study the Word, and tuck it away in our heart. Our roots have to be completely embedded in the absolute truth of the Word in order to stay grounded when everything we know threatens to pull us away. Don’t dismiss the value of being in a church with like-minded believers or pursuing friendships with those who encourage you in your walk. Meet together, talk about God, and pray for each other, that your hearts will stay pure. Avoid circumstances that will lead you into compromise. Pray, and pray a lot. Use the Word as it was meant to be: your literal lifeline.

˜ Don’t become deceived. With Satan in full-time pursuit, it’s more than a little easy to become confused about what you know or at your core, believe. But remember that God’s Word is timeless, even when the world loses its moral compass. You are not dated or out of touch if you live with a belief in absolute truth. Don’t allow yourself to become deceived, becoming convinced that you are alone in your beliefs and must do what everyone else is doing. Satan’s job is to get you to think that way. With the help of the Holy Spirit, your job is to not let him convince you.

˜ Hang on tight. Jesus didn’t tell us to hang on tightly because it sounded good on paper. I believe He used that phrasing because living today requires a firm grip on what we know. I dare say with anything less than a strong grip, we won’t make it. Hang on, and keep hanging on. Your beliefs will stay intact only when you tether yourself to Him.

Friend, you may feel like you are going against the flow, and that may be more than a little difficult. But God’s Word is strong and sure, able to meet your every need and able to stand the test of thousands of years and each and every President, global crisis, and social trend. Trust in the absolute truth of Jesus. He will help you in your effort to swim in your resistant culture that chooses compromise at every turn.

Keep believing. The One you trust will never cease to be available to you, and He will never lead you into anything but truth. Absolutely.

by: Lisa White.

Hope that encouraged and helped you as much as it helped me.

HIS and yours


Wednesday, November 10, 2010

You Know.

You know everything God,
You know what's going on inside of me even though I don't understand.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know where I am going. I don't know who is really real and who is fake. I thought I was okay, I though I had everything under control. I didn't think I would go through this again. These thoughts, these feelings, these sins, these regrets, these pains. I know what you're asking me to do. But I don't know if I can do it. I am not the person you want God. I'm ugly, I'm disobedient, impatient, liar, cheater, stealer, I'm afraid. Of every evil inside of me. God Help me. I can't take any more I can't be the goody girl, but I don't want to be the bad girl. Why can't I be someone in between. I'm tired of everyone telling me who I should be and how I should act. I'm tired of faking it. I'm tired of acting like I know what I'm doing. Cause let's be honest I have no clue, where I am going, where you're taking me. I'm scared. I'm pulling away. I'm running away rather than into your arms. I can't God. I can't be the person everyone wants me to be. God you know what I am, you know what I do. You know who I was you know what I've done. Help me. There are so many things to say and I don't know how. You know what's going on in my mind and my heart. I can't express it anymore. I'm tired, I'm sick, I sad, I'm exhausted, I'm frustrated, I'm angry. That's not me. I don't want to be that person again. Ever again. Help me to see what you're doing. Help me to be strong in the overwhelming weakness. I'm afraid. Be my Strength O' God. You're the only one that can save me.

Your daughter,


Monday, November 8, 2010


He is out there. My Prince. He is real. He exists. I pray for him constantly. May God satisfy the desires of his heart, draw him close, consume him. May He claim his passions, his identity, his refuge, his hopes, his strengths and weaknesses, every fiber of his being. May he treasure and cherish his Savior more than anything of this world and cling to His will with every ounce of his stamina. By all that he is, does, and strives to be, may He draw near to him and he to Him.