God... I just don't know...

I was trusted.
I was trusted with nails in hands and scars on a back that tried to take the weight of the world I insisted on lifting onto my shoulders.
I was trusted with words that could heal the sick and broken.
I was trusted with a death that gave life and feet that could walk on water.
It was all I ever wanted,
and yet it was too real, and so I looked away and asked the wolrd for all the above, but could I please have what my flesh wants as well?
And I turned away and I ran. And I saw myself in the mirror too many broken pieces and too many scars on my arms, too many scabs on my legs to ever beg acceptance.
And even as those hands that trusted me ran their scarred palms over my back to calm my queezy stomach, I still held out my balled up fists and said “more”.
I want to believe that there’s still a chance for me, that hope isn’t something I could spend on empty passions and bottles of sleeping pills.
I swear I saw what love looked like in my sleep. And I felt what fullness could be if I just opened my eyes and stopped telling myself I was dreaming.
But I am doubtful in a way that would make Thomas cringe. And I am unfaithful to the point where Peter looks away from me and shakes his head.
I heard myself speaking things I swore I knew belonged to me, but I never claimed them as my own.
And now all I have are shakey hands and one foot on either side of a fence I am too afraid to tear down.
“They’re just people; they shoulodn’t make you nervous.”
What about me then? Am I also only human that I should not fear what these broken and selfish hands can do?
I have maimed and torn. I have delivered hell onto the souls of the innocent.
Who am I that you would want me to be one of the pieces in the puzzle of two becoming one? Who am I that you would wish to call me equally yoked?
Can you really clean up this disheartened smile? Can your mouth really place itself on mine and renew every curse word that has sang against you when I swore I just didn’t know better?
It’s not that I no longer have faith in you,
I just struggle to believe that you ever had faith in me.