Writings from a hate-filled sinner.

I use to have a savior complex. Okay so saying use to is not a good idea because in moments I think I still do. I had been on countless short-term ministry projects and outreaches and in my head I was like I couldn’t wait to see what I could do. And it wasn’t until a little over 3 ½ years ago that I learned something. I can do nothing. And lately those lessons I learned have been creeping up on me again.

            You see normally I am one to stay silent on those hot-buzzer topics. I don’t like arguments, they leave me feeling dry and defeated. And honestly this isn’t really about any certain thing, it’s about not being able to sleep at two am, crying out in prayer over this country, over this world, and over so many people. And my heart hurts, because in doing so, I’m seeing the old dark corners of my heart that haven’t been dusted off in years. I’m seeing those dark corners come into the light and begin to burn in pain. Burn because I am silent. Because I stay silent. Because I am afraid of what other may think of my thoughts. But maybe, maybe now is the best time to no longer be silent. Maybe now is the best time to be honest, to be open, to be real. To honestly say that I have no idea what anyone is going through in this world, I can’t sympathize or empathize or whatever because in my own selfish human way I only know my own pain; which in any comparison is nothing to the worlds. So feel free internet world to comment, to discuss, to nastily and hastily think of a remark that will wound, I mean why the hell not, everyone else is doing it.

            And so… here it goes.

            I’ve been cruising the news and the Internet a lot lately. Watching, reading, crying. And you know what I have found. …HATE. So much hate. People killing people for the color of their skin; and I can’t imagine what that would be like because, well I’m white. I don’t have to be worried about a target being on my back. And so I have no place to write about how all lives matter or black lives matter because honestly the only life I have ever cared about is my own. So in saying so, that would make me a liar. Because I am a coward. I have a heart that stands up for injustice, but I lack the strength and the courage to open my mouth and ever speak up. And in doing so I remain silent; when I am called to be a voice for the voiceless. How dare I!

            And I have no idea what it feels like to not know who you are. Because I’ve always known who I am and each day I discover more of who I want to be. And how do I stand for or against something that I cannot relate to. “Educate yourself,” I am told. But honestly, I am educated, I read and research. But the kind of education that these people are calling me to is the kind of rude and unnecessary banter on newsfeeds and twitters. Of one-liners that are suppose to be filled with poison for anyone standing on the “wrong” side. NO. No thank you. I would rather be uneducated by their standards then stand on the fence yelling obscenities into the Internet world.

            And yet over and over again it is what I see.

            We hide behind profiles that make our lives look seemingly better than they are so that we can call others out on how terrible their lives are. How inaccurate their statements are, how racist or how homophobic they are. For being male or female, for being brown, black, or white, or Christians, atheist or Muslim or whatever they may be.

            We target it and we tear at it and claw at it until we wound. Is this the problem? Is this were it stems from? People so deeply involved in themselves that they lack conviction for their own. I am convicted everyday, because I see the face of evil and it stares back at me from the mirror every morning. And I have to fight against myself and the darkness inside of me before I could ever fight against anyone else. I CALL MYSELF OUT!

            It is not my place to condone and it is not my place to judge. To tell people what the right pronoun is, what color of skin is right, what language is right, what job is right, what country is right. My place is among the gutters, I am the worst of these and it is the darkest corners of my heart that I see that I believe I am better. But I’m not, which is why for so long I remain so stagnant.

            People, myself included, go around and say we are a Christian, but we don’t carry the weight of that word with us. We turn around and condemn people for their ways of thinking, for their ideas or beliefs. We are not ones who are to condemn, we are one who are called to Love.

            And maybe I am part of a generation who is all about love. Who believes in this type of peace signs and rainbow hippie God. No. That’s not it.

            I believe in the God who brought the Israelites out of Egypt. In the God who parted the red sea, who saved Daniel from the lions den and Shadrach Meshach and Abednego from the flames, the God who sent His son to speak into lives and heal the sick, raise the dying, and in the end shed His blood for my screw ups, my failures, my sinful self. I believe in a God who over and over again has shown love. Unending love. And who continues to show love to all, despite what people may think. What type of God would withhold His love from His people, no matter who they may be, and who are we to take a God who is infinite, a God who is not bound by time or our labels, or by our boxes, and decide who He loves. WE ARE NOT GOD. and we cannot draw conclusions from things that we will never understand. What is the greatest commandment? “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself.” Who is you neighbor? Everyone.

            This is what I believe. And I don’t ask you to believe the same things I do. I don’t ask that you open your mouth and allow me to shove my beliefs and my thoughts down your throat. I ask that we all find Love within ourselves.

            The God I believe in. He is a God of love and a God of justice.

            But I. I am not that God; I am not a god of love and justice.

            I am human, A sinner, trying to follow in the footsteps of a God-made-MAN who has called me to this Love.

            This is me, putting my foot forward in trying to teach myself that speaking up doesn’t always look like words shaped like daggers, and staying silent doesn’t always look like cowardice. Sometimes we have to find our own words to say before we say anything at all.

            My goal is never to try to convert someone, my goal is to never say I understand when I do not, my goal is simply to fall more in love with the Jesus and fall more in love with the people around me. Whether anyone believes or not is up to them.

            Right now I am working on standing up for injustice in more than just my heart, I’m just learning how to find my own words to say.

Writings from the road to recovery- from a hate-filled sinner,

HIS and yours,

 Cami

When all there's left to say is... goodbye.

   

I'm not sure how to sum up my last two years in this place. Whatever I've tried to write sounds flat and anticlimactic. I can't seem to find the words to fit or to describe; the people, the emotions, the experiences, the love. all I know is that I am a mess of thoughts and my heart is heavy with goodbyes, floating in an ocean of tears that seem to ebb and flow like the tide. And I'm just hoping I can get through this in one piece, finish with dry eyes and a bit of a lighter heart.
      It's been about two weeks since I took my little Cruze and drove away from that tiny town and began my journey east. And it's unreal that I could miss a place this much, it's an odd sort of missing, because I miss the people there that I love and hold so dear to my heart, but I also miss who I was at that time, in that place, and in my heart I know that I will never be that person again.
    Never did the thought cross my mind that I would be spending two years as a volunteer youth ministry leader, it was not even on my radar. And honestly I didn't think I could do it. Didn't think I was qualified or courageous enough to be giving advice to high school girls about life and faith, when I felt as if my life and my faith were falling apart. I didn't think that any high schooler would even remotely want any part of my life or want to hear anything I would ever have to say. And I never saw myself being a part of the community I grew up in, because I never felt a part of that community when I was a kid. How was I, an unconnected woman, suppose to connect in this community and with these kids? I questioned and doubted what God was asking of me. Searching out excuses or reason to say NO... No way, not happening. But the more I searched and the more I questioned, the more reasons I found to say yes, the more I felt God nudging me towards ministry in this place with these specific people.
   And I've learned in the past two years the my faith leaves me with more questions than any other puzzle and sometimes there are never enough answers. But that doesn't mean I quit moving forward or I quit asking, sometimes faith leaves us blind, and we follow with outstretch hands and trust that God is holding onto them leading us in His way. And in two years, I've learned that, for me, blindness leads to a outspoken, reckless, lived-out faith. And I could use more of that.
      How do describe something so indescribable? In two years I feel like there were days I got a glimpse of what heaven may look like someday, I got to see what a church should be like, and experience community in such an intentional way. This was and is joy inexpressible in my soul, God laid hold of my heart and he hasn't let go.
     These high school kids by far are so amazing, they are going to be world-changers, I really do believe it. I mean in my life I always heard or experienced people saying that they want community and friendship but when that means accountability or commitment, in my life it seems that people tend to run the other way. But these kids were different, they were intentional and honest and raw with us. The more I allowed myself to be real and human with them the more I got to experience and see Jesus in each and every one of their lives.
     That youth group was my church for two years. I experienced more of Jesus in that old youth room on those nasty couches than I ever had in a church building or in a pew. It was a place where there was so much joy, and moments of struggle, moments of sadness, it was a family, that youth room was a living room, a place where only the word Comfort can describe. We intentionally lived life together, held each other accountable and poured into the lives around us. It's where I inherited younger brothers and sisters, who had the desire and fire to grow in their faith, and the courage to ask tough question. Which in turn made my desire to grow even stronger.
     We found Love, His Love right were we stood and when we walked, it followed. I could see it in these kids, in their hearts and their faces. And I have words in me... fighting to find a way out. Sometimes there's so many words and they get so crowded in my head that I think it's going to explode. I want to write them down, but most of the time my thoughts and my feelings are bigger than what I can get on paper. And these kids are words I can't even describe. They are utterly amazing and loving and strong.
   Was it perfect, No, by any means, there were so many imperfect moments, especially with me, and yet God used me, and nothing could express what that means to me. There is not enough breath in my lungs to praise God for all that He has done. It was messy, but that's what ministry is. And personally I like messy people; people who don't fit in a box or stay between the lines, who's hearts are as bound to Christ as an anchor grounds a ship.
      And sometimes I have this urge to retouch the canvas of days past with today's paintbrush, to cover the things i didn't do or couldn't do. The things I regret or forgot. But then I think about it all, every moment. Every valley, every mountaintop, every night spent lying awake in tears and prayer, every question, every doubt. And I wouldn't change it for the world. I would trade it for anything.
    God allowed me to pour into the lives of some amazing girls. To talk about life, love, faith and everything in between, He gave me the grace to lead even in my imperfections, even in my weakness, He was present and oh, so strong! I fell in love with these girls and their big hearts. They are my sisters, we became a family in that little youth room, and nothing or nobody can take that from us.
     And outside of youth group He gave me an amazing couple that poured into me so selflessly, who loved me despite my mess. Who met me, accepted me, and took me in like family. Let me come over and lounge on their couch, and feed me, and talk with me and laugh with me. Encouraged me and pushed me to grow in my faith, when no one else in my community would, they reached out from another town, took me in their arms and intentionally loved me, and that is and was a beautiful thing.
    God also gave me two of the most amazing men, that I can seriously call my best friends. Men I got to lead with, pray with, cry with, laugh with, and live life with. They were there in every moment, big or small, in every tough day, and in every celebration. I Love them both so much, and I can't thank God enough for them.
 And sometimes all that's left to do is say goodbye. These past two years have brought grace and wisdom, and with them comes the realization that I don't know as much as i would like to believe. But I know better than to think that change will ever be over. For the unchanging character of the Creator gives Him the freedom to create change, and so this change brings grace. We all keep going even after Cameron, Colton, and I have left this tiny town, these kids will keep growing and they will go out and pour into the lives around them, whether that's family, teammates, classmates, in other states, in other countries. With them the possibilities are endless, and with God they will move mountains!
     So this is goodbye, however hard and messy it seems, goodbyes don't have to be an ugly, grieving, horrifying process. They are a part of everyday life. Every step we take we are saying goodbye to the ground, and bouncing back down. Goodbyes are unique, colorful, and majestic, like the sun waving goodbye to the skyline. Sometimes. goodbyes are the most beautiful moment in our life. Beautiful and under-appreciated. But even knowing goodbyes are inevitable doesn't make them any easier.
      So I say goodbye, not in sadness, but with so much joy.
      I am so proud of these kids. And know that no matter what happens, God is always with them.
     I want to hold on, but I hear His voice whispering in the depths of my heart, "Leave them, let them go. You've done what I asked, now let the Holy Spirit work in them."
     My heart is heavy and is not quiet before Him
     So here I am a little broken in His presence
     Until again it is so
     Yes, my heart is fragile,
      But I see that His heart inside of mine
     Is a powerful thing.



Until we meet again, whether on heaven or earth,




 HIS and yours,

    Cami

At the Heart of Ministry.

   Journal Entry, February 13, 2015: "And I am mad, so mad, because my hands and my feet have become soft and my heart has harden."
      It's been a long time since I wrote anything down. Since I processed through my thoughts by typing and writing and words on pages. And maybe I stopped because I couldn't think anymore, couldn't write anymore, or maybe it was because I was trying to soak in all these moments, all these memories, all these things I am holding deep within myself; in my heart, in my soul, These people, these places, that soon I will be leaving behind. But after this past week I have the closure I needed. I have the strength to keep pressing on. I have the belief that God has got it all taken care of.
    And eloquent words couldn't even begin to describe how I am feeling right now. I am coughing and tired and drained. And yet I've never felt better, never felt more filled, I fill Jesus all around me. and that my friends, is a beautiful thing.
    I am in a continual awe of who He is. That my life and the lives around me are truly the story of God's grace and love through ordinary people, and I saw that reflected in such a beautiful and amazing way this past week.
   Let me start off like this. I am extremely unqualified in what I do. As Colton would put it, "I feel as if I am constantly leading out of my imperfections." I am incapable of leading these high school girls and yet this is the place God has called me to, for the past two years. Did I ever anticipate, did I ever expect this? No. I thought I would be the first one to leave my hometown and never look back, and yet here I am two years after returning from Africa, knee deep in a ministry with amazing kids, that I have completely and utterly fallen in love with. And what I've seen these past few months is that these kids make this ministry. I do not.
 God doesn't need me or Builders to reach these kids, He can use any avenue He chooses, and yet he graciously chooses and calls me. He graciously chooses Cameron, and Colton, and Delaney, all us leaders to be the ones to love, to pour, to sacrifice, to laugh, to cry, to live life with these amazing high schoolers. Never did I ever think I'd be where I am sitting right now. and yet I cannot imagine my life anywhere else in this moment!
   Why am I getting all emotional and writing this post. Because I have to process this. I have to write this down, because if i don't I'm going to explode.
    God is at work!
     This past week God over and abundantly provided me and the other leaders and a small group of our kids to go do ministry in Denver. I mean God moved mountains to get us there through obstacles and struggles and prayer and tears shed, God provided the funds, the transportation, and the hearts to take this leap of faith in a new place and man were lives changed! Mine included.
    But this isn't about me at all. This about the eight amazing high schoolers that took their spring break and made it all about God. Who selflessly sacrificed a week of doing whatever they wanted to go an serve God, each other, and the people in Denver. These kids continually blow my mind.

    Throughout the week I saw these boys and girls approach complete strangers and start conversations, step out in faith in unknown areas and come out fearless, bolder, and stronger. I saw them play with and carry and chase and fall in love with a group of at risk youth, I saw them feed the hungry,  love the hurting, shine their light and constantly point back to Jesus. They poured themselves out to the point of exhaustion, then got back up and did it the next day an the next day. Never complaining, always rejoicing. Through the earlier mornings and the long evenings, and the monotonous task we sometimes had to do. I saw Jesus in each and every one of them. I saw His hands, His feet, His love. And as a leader that make my heart swell. That makes my joy complete.
   These kids may never know the impact they had on the lives they came in contact with in Denver. But seeds were planted, plants were water, and love was restored. But I want these kids to know the impact they have had in my life. The past two years they have stretched me, grew me, and caused me to ask question i didn't even know I had. They caused me to dive deeper into scripture, into worship, and into relationships with people. They have impacted my life in such a way, I can't go back. I can't imagine my life not knowing each and everyone of them.
  And I shed tears over them, because there is unknown in what is to come. We all being called to the next journey God has called us to. But if there is one thing I have learned, it is this. These kids know Jesus, these kids love Jesus. and that these kids make the ministry. I do not, and no other leader will. We can have leaders shouting from the rooftops, but if we don't have kids, who are sold out, who are bought in, who are all out radical for Jesus. then what are we even doing?
    I have found that at the heart of ministry is discipleship and at the heart of discipleship is love and at the heart of love is Jesus. And He is what we are all here for. He is the reason I do this. He is the reason I moved away then moved back again, because I was not finish. He is the reason we, as leaders, cry and pray over these kids. Because we know that they do not need us, they need Jesus. More than a Wednesday night service, more than a Sunday night small group, more than any retreat, more than a week long missions trip to wherever. They need Him and Him only.
    And my hope is that my life has been an outpouring of who He is in me and the love He has for them. I am constantly leading out of my imperfections, but it's out of those imperfections, out of my weakness, that He is strong, that He is exalted. All in love, all in grace.
    These high schoolers, they have changed my life. They have changed the way I look at things. And for that I am forever grateful. Forever grateful for the love they share, the stories they have, and the lives they live. The world, the enemy, better look out because these kids are going to do amazing things for the Kingdom. And I am so blessed and speechless beyond words that I got to be a small part of it. That for the past two years I have experienced joy and sadness with them all. And I have seen that by peeling back the layers of our images and letting others see our struggles, we allow Jesus to come in and meet us where we are at and use as we are and change us in the process. These high schoolers have showed me that each day.
   So I have seen reflected in these high schoolers lives that want to change the world  and so we have to start loving God in such a way that our entire world changes. because that is the beauty of transformational love, it doesn't just affect us, it affects those around us. And that the answer to life is still Jesus, it'll always be Jesus, it'll never stop being Jesus. Jesus is enough.
     And He has used these kids to teach me that. to teach me that His love, His grace-giving powerful love; can soften hearts, can move mountains, can open blind eyes, can restore hope in us. No matter where I go, I will carry them with me, their stories, their lives, their impact will be forever engraved upon my heart. And I'm seeing that soft hands and feet are okay as long has they are being used for Jesus, and my heart is not hardened, but being tossed from hand to hand, prodded by fingers, filling up with love, so much love from the moments in this place.


   Reflecting on my memories,

     HIS and yours,


     Cami