but i don't want to settle down. ever.
And i have this innate fear of settling. Settling with a job because I tell myself that I need to get my life started instead of quitting job after job, trying to find something I love, and I don't even know where to begin. That i will lower my expectations of what love should be because I've lost faith that such a great love could exist and a deep part of me still doesn't want to end up "alone." That I will lose the faith i have in Him and in myself, because some days are dark and feel hopeless and I feel like i can no loner accomplish or change the world the way I once thought I could.
Me, one messy, clumsy, measly little girl.
And I don't think it will ever happen. I will admit I'm a little too proud to settle, I'm a little too stubborn to work at something I don't love and a little to protective to let myself just love anyone. and I'm a little too dependent on Him to ever let Him go. But that being said, it's easy in this dark and dusty place we call the world, to lose things. to let go of hope, happiness, faith, love, because of hurt. pain. anger. loss.
The world sinks it's teeth deep into our flesh, breaking the top layer of skin all the way through the veins and into our bones and sucks the marrow out of life. and all to often I have found that I let it. I pull back my sleeve, stick my arm out to the wolves and let their teeth sink deep. because I am a coward. too afraid to stand and fight off those wolves.
I am a coward. I am afraid. and I hate it.
I am sick and tired of walking around as the shy, timid, sweet girl. I'm tired of my lips being dry and my voice quivering in fear. I'm tired of thinking that things don't work out because I am the problem. I'm tired of finding a way to blame myself for everything, of being unhappy all the time, of moping around in this state of sadness and hopelessness. I'm sick. sick. sick and tired of being a coward. A coward to the world and a coward to myself.
I don't want to be a shy timid sweet girl. I want to be loud, bold, unashamed and reckless. I want to have the courage to say what I mean and mean what I say. To hold steady to the truths I know deep within my heart, instead of quivering in fear at the first sign of trouble. God did not give me a spirt of timidity, so I shouldn't be covered in one. He gave me a spirt of power and of love and of self-discipline; and that's what I should be walking in.
Constantly I let myself be overcome by the enemy and this past year it's been easy for him to find the cracks and fill it with his fear and his cowardice. But enough is enough.
We are not here to be overcome. but to rise, unvanquished after every knockout blow, and laugh the laugh of faith, not fear. To stand boldly, courageously in the devil's face and laugh, a belly full of laughter, one full of joy, one full of faith, one full of Jesus' and remind him that he can not defeat us. That he cannot defeat Jesus, because He who is in us is greater than the he who is in the world. and always will be.
It's a new year, which means new beginnings. I don't have resolutions, I want to be a revolution. I want to be His hands and his feet. I want to be the one bringing the good news to the poor, be the one to help bind up the brokenhearted, and stand up for justice in this dark and dusty, fallen world. I want to be a revolution.
So I challenge myself to be BOLD. to stand out. to be different. to stand tall, to no longer shy away. He is calling me right now to do that which He created only me to do. So I will courageously go.
This is the point, where He brings me face to face with my fears and face to face with the truth and I must choose to have the courage to trust in the pouring out of His love and truth. This is where I step off the cliff I've so safely glued myself to… and where I finally leap into His arms. That is faith living, that is going boldly, jumping fearlessly, knowing He will never leave nor forsake.
I trust Him with all my heart.
here's to new beginnings…
HIS and yours,