Thursday, May 29, 2014
I have a grip like an iron fist. I hold on tight. My fingers white, my hands aching. I don't let go of things easily. I hold on until my fingers bleed or until there's nothing else to hold onto anymore. And lately I've been dealing with a lot of scary things. Trying to carry more than I can handle, trying to appear like I've got it under control. That my arms aren't struggling and my back doesn't ache, and no that is not sweat dripping from my forehead.
I'm good. I got this. Curling my fingers around things and people and places, knuckles bared and white and hands aching. I'm good. I got this.
And everything falls.
This post has been sitting here for far too long. way too long. Just waiting to be typed into existence. I haven't known how to get it all out. And yet would it even matter, does anything I have to say or do matter. Do I make a difference with this one post, with my words, with my heart. I'm dealing with too many scary things. I'm carry way too much, holding onto many things.
There comes a time when you just have to let things go.
Now is that time.
Lately life has seemed like a balance of holding on and letting go. And things have become uneven with too much holding and not enough letting go. But how do you come to terms with the quick switch of direction, the quick flip of the page, the quick hand flicks of goodbye that are coming? How do you deal? Honestly I've let the sadness seep into the corners of my soul and darken me.
If you would have asked me a few weeks ago how I was doing, I would have answered with a grunt and a growl. Because as of late, I have not been on speaking terms with God. My line of communication silenced by anger and frustrations and fear. so much fear. And the thing about fear is, that it doesn't leave room for anything else like beauty or purpose. It sucks the life out of you. It sucks the hope out of you. Fear swallows hope. And I've felt hopeless lately.
My lack of faith has made me feel worthless and useless.
and I turn to Ecclesiastes, which I've been reading for almost two months now. The first month all I could focus on is the phrase "Everything is meaningless. ...a chasing after the wind." And my attitude reflected it. I didn't care, I didn't want, because everything was meaningless. Because I had it all planned out, my life and everything in between. I was going to be home for a short amount of time, work and save up money, then return back to the place where I buried my heart in the soil, dig it up, put it back in my chest, and live there for the rest of my life.
But life, as it would seem, rarely ever goes according to plan. And God never follows according to mine, He follows according to His. And life happens, it did happen, it is happening. I came home, got a job, a car, meant people and kids, fell in love, lived, fell apart, got my heart broke, found out Africa is just going to have to wait, sunk inside myself. And I think I wanted everything to stay the same until I was ready for it to change. But I'm realizing that I can't do that. That I can't expect the whole world to stand still until I'm ready. and Everything is not meaningless, I am seeing that now, through watery eyes, we go through things to strengthen us, to draw us closer to God, to grow.
So I open it up again, Ecclesiastes, and I am mediating on the simple phrase; "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."
And it's a scary feelings, this letting go. It's the loneliest feeling in the world. I feel like I tend to find myself on the opposite end of the spectrum, that I'm constantly standing when everyone else is sitting. That everyone is looking at me and saying "what the heck is the matter with her?" Like I'm walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of my own footsteps, windows closed, blinds drawn, doors locked against me, and I'm not sure whether I'm walking toward something, or if I'm just walking away.
And I'm finding that my heart tends to swing back and forth between the need for routine and the urge to run. and that's okay. I know that God's got everything under control. I know that deep in my heart, even if at times I fail.
But Christians fail because Christians are people and people, like me, are not perfect. We slip up. I don't know what else to tell you.
i am constantly trying to find my feet.
And I am letting things go. I'm learning that it's okay to have unknowns. That it's time to let go of my job, of my car, it's time to let go of love that's not returned, to a life that i've been clinging to, to realize that sometimes I have to let go of the things and the people i so desperately want, to have empty hands to receive the things I so desperately need.
On November 14th 2013 I wrote in my journal; "Jump First, Fear Later." I don't know what happened to the girl that wrote that, but I can tell you now that I am seeing it's not really Faith unless it taste a bit like fear. and that I feel the fear, but leap anyways. And that's exactly what I'm doing.
It's time to move on. It's scary but it's what needs to be done. I'm not running away, I'm running into.
Into life, into possibilities, into new, exciting things, into His calling.
I need to stop holding hands with doubt, and start letting go and trusting Him more. I need to loosen my grip on all those useless things and curl my fingers around His and jump.
It starts tonight.
I may not be brave, but He makes me courageous.
Letting go of doubt and Holding on to Him,
HIS and yours,