It all sounded so easy.

It all sounded so easy at the beginning of this year. School. Friendships. Africa. Graduating. Now, I just don't know anymore.

This has probably been one of my toughest years yet. Friendships have gone south and at times I think there is no way I can save them. Africa is probably something that has my heart on edge. I can't wait to be there and yet it seems every time I turn around I have to have more and more money. Money that I don't even have. It's frustrating and has me at tears more often than not. And then the idea of changing my major pops into my head, because I haven't been able to write in so long and I feel like my writing isn't improving or going anywhere. But if I do that, I might not be able to graduate next year and that means an extra year, and that means more money that my family doesn't have. Yeah I always hear it will get better, but at this moment it feels as if it can only get worse from here.

At these moment is typically where I say... "And this is where my Faith comes in..." My Faith, the thing that has been shifted, tormented, broken, shook, tattered, lost, found, weakened, strengthened. My Faith has been tested and tested and tested. Over and Over again. I'm hanging on to the train of His robe, crying out, apologizing for the sinful human I am. I don't know what to do or where to go. and I know I must trust in Him. The hardest part is I don't believe it. at least not right now. I'm being honest, I'm being real. I don't believe that all the TRUST in the world can get me through all of this. It is not something I can explain, because it's unexplainable.

I am thinking someday I'm going to look back on this day and laugh at it with the Lord. Because deep down in my heart I know that He is going to pull me through this. It's not that I don't believe in Him, I don't believe in myself. I don't believe that I will have enough patience to wait on Him, to cry out to Him until He answers. Because I am an impatience, selfish, uncaring, human being. I am ashamed of who I am and I admit that flat out. I admit that I am jealous of the attention my brother gets from my parents, I am ashamed of how little I appreciate all that my parents have sacrificed to "just get by" for our family. I'm ashamed of what a terrible friend and sister I am. I am ashamed of what I constantly clog my mind and heart with. But most of all I am ashamed that I don't believe in myself enough. Because God believes in me and loves me with all His heart. He sacrificed more than anything for my life to be a testimony to Him. And right now my life is worth nothing. It is no testimony. It's just a picture of a girl just "trying to get by."

but God is not calling me to just get by. He is calling me to give up everything. I constantly talk about it. Giving up everything, but I realize how much I hang on to compared to how much I give up. I told someone once that I wish I could just be in Heaven with God now. They responding saying, well if you are in Heaven now than how are people going to experience God's love without one of His followers there to share it. And that's when I realized something. God has granted me the privilege to live this life, He has given me a choice to live the way I want and yet He calls me to Him, even when I ignore Him. This life is mine to live or mine to give up. And right now I just want to "live" to "just get by." But the better choice is to give it up. All of it. The happiness, the love, the anger, the pain, the stress, my family, my friends, my dreams, and let Him take control.

He is drawing me near to Him and no matter how much I try to push Him away, He will continue to draw me nearer to Him. Because He loves me. So no matter how many tears I shed, no matter how many times I fail. God has and continues to pick me up. to hold me to a higher standard. to a higher calling. His calling. And even through what I am feeling right now, I am going to do whatever it takes to respond to that calling, no matter how long it takes, no matter how much it hurts. Take my hand God and guide me. Take me through the river and cleanse me.

"Precious Lord, take my hand.
Lean on me. Let me stand.
I am tired. I am weak. I am worn.
Through the storm.
Through the night.
Lead me on to the light.
Take my hand, precious Lord,
and lead me home."
-Thomas A Dorsev