God is deeper still.

"The God of peace will soon crush satan under your feet." -Romans 16:20
Journal Entry, 12-10-10:
"Sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore. Why am I here, what am I doing here? God, I feel like I have no purpose, no impact whatsoever. Jesus, did you ever feel this way? I feel like I have no one, is this You showing me that You're the only one I can truly depend on. Because God I want to depend on You. I hate this feeling. God why can't you send me someplace else? Show me how to be happy, I feel sad or angry all the time. I just want to feel you deep in my soul, God! I don't want to feel the sting of their words and the burn of their judgmental glances. I just want to be able to turn the other cheek. to let it go. Lord let your spirit fall over me to become a better lover of Christ. Take away the doubt, the sadness, the anger, the loneliness, the impatience, the longing to have an earthly romance. Rip them out of my heart and replace them with Your love. God, I don't want to be Cami, I don't want my life. I am Yours. Mold me. Teach me obedience, discipline, and love. God I want Your fire, I want your river to flow in me and through me to people and to nations. Your grace abounds above all. Rain down. Help me to be forgiving. Teach me how to give without asking for anything in return. God only you know me, only you know what is going on now and what has been. Help me God, keep me from the enemy."

It's interesting to see that 11 months ago the things that I was feeling have returned to me even more intensely. And yet this time around it's different. It's a higher mountain I have came down from and a deeper valley I have fallen into. Never giving myself time to relax and reflect on all that God did this summer and all that He continues to do. I just keep trying to move at warp speed with no regards to the voice of God telling me to slow down. And in the midst of my hectic ways I push God away and think that I can do this on my own, when deep down I know I can't. It has taken a lot of anger, a lot of questioning, a lot of sadness, a lot of pushing people away, and a heck of a lot of tears to learn that I can't survive without Him. It true. It's not some corny line that I'm giving you. He IS my LIFE LINE. no matter what I try to tell myself I am nothing and have nothing without God.

It seems that sometimes I have to go deep to see that God is deeper still. Through everything He is always with me, even when I think He is not, He is. His love for me is invincible, the fire of His love stops at nothing it sweeps everything before it. Flood waters can't drown His love, it cannot wash His love away. His love can't be bought and it can't be sold. It is for me, over me, a part of me for all eternity. The truth is I've just been so mad at Him, so mad. because where I am right now, every part of my flesh tells me to leave. And yet my spirit says No this is where God wants you. And I've been fighting it. Wrestling with it, angry, questions. Why. And it has taken a long time but like Jacob, God's finally busted my hip. No more fighting, no more wrestling. It's time to listen and to act upon what He has told me to do. What He has entrusted me to do.

Depend on Him and Him alone. I find myself putting too much stock into other people instead of God. Not that friendships are a bad thing, but when that's where I put all of my hope into, I just end up getting hurt. It's been the story since my freshman year of high school. I have a horrible problem with making friends with people who don't know how to stay in contact. While I'm the one constantly dropping letters in the mail or little messages in their inbox, or even a phone call. It seems I have very very very few friends that will take the time to sit down and have a conversation with me, to take time out of their busy schedule to call me, to drop me a letter. Heck to just talk about the day would be nice. And I let it get the best of me, because I constantly think I am getting nothing from this. I don't know if that's the right attitude, but I'm human and believe it or not, I do stupid things.

But the cool thing is, that I can lose touch with every friend I've made, and it will probably happen, but I have someone who is always there. He's written a huge book full of Letters to me, He's always there when I call, He cares about my days so much He's planned out every single one up until my last breath. It's so amazing and something I often forget to think about and thank Him for.

Right now I'm on this journey to rediscover the things that really give me joy and where God really wants me and what I am to do with the tasks He has placed in my hand. But to constantly remember that I am not to do them alone or with anyone else but Him. I pray as I am on this journey, that I slowly fade out and that Jesus comes in shining through me. That when people see me they don't actually see me, they see Him. That's all I want, that's all I ask, and that's all I will continue to seek out to accomplish all for the Glory and the Honor of my Heavenly Father.


God is deeper still...


HIS and yours,

Cami