i lost, i am lost, i am losing.

Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself, because if I don't I wouldn't know how to get through my days and because I think and do some really stupid things sometimes. I constantly find myself getting lost in the world rather than getting lost in Jesus. It's been tough these last couple of months of college and as the days get shorter and the time goes faster, I feel myself scrambling for more time with people and with this place. Though God has confirmed my call and is sending me to Africa, though I don't know where yet, I'll be there with Him, which means I must stop getting lost in the worries and the cares of this world and instead I need to find myself lost in the cares and worries of my God.

Lately it has been a mix of excitement and tough reality in my life. Excitement for seeing God's plan moving me forward in my life. Tough reality realizing that the people that have come alongside of me in this life so far cannot come with me. And I've realized that God has a plan for my life and so does the enemy. I need constantly be ready for both but to be wise enough to know which one to battle and which one to embrace. It gets hard sometimes. Especially when I find myself surrounded by ideas that tell me to go against my calling. to stay here, find a man, get married, and a 9 to 5 job. (sorry but that sounds extremely boring). And it wasn't until last night that I learned I am not made for a generic man, a generic job, a generic lifestyle. But that I am made for a radical man, Jesus Christ, that I am made for radical job, serving Him in all I do, and that I am made for a radical life, one where I have to constantly lose.

It's been a struggle, especially since getting lost in thoughts of what it would be like to be one of those girls with a boyfriend. Yeah I know I still think about it. Surprise. And I found myself trying to sneak that one over on God and forcing it in His plan, when in reality, at least right now, it's not part of His plan for my life. It's tough and painful, more than anything I want to have a family, to be a mother and a wife, but the truth is God is going to give me that chance later in life, but right now He is calling me to go and be His hands and feet. He is calling to me, saying: "I can conquer anything if you let Me. The choice is yours- the works is Mine. Let go My child. Trust Me. I am greater than every situation of life." and for me the choice out weighs the cost. The choice to follow Him is worth so much more than living a mundane life that I planned out myself. With God planning, I never know what is going to happen. It's pretty exciting but takes a lot of trust. (Big Surprise).

There are things in life that are tough to realize. We all have expectations, whether about our lives or others, but reality will always be what hits us in the face. I get lost constantly in my thoughts of what I want my life to look like. I'm human it's hard to keep myself from thinking about those things, but it takes a lot of work to lose those thoughts and think about what my Heavenly Father is calling me to do. Right now I am lost. I am lost in where i am headed and what has been happening these past couple of months. I know that God is moving, but I also know that the enemy is moving and I cannot pretend like everything will go smoothly. Which comes with having to lose some things. To lose the community I have lived in these past four years with so many people that I have come to love so much, and I mean that with all my heart. To lost them and travel across the ocean to a new community, to a new place, to a foreign place. But one thing that will always be the same, always be constant is Jesus leading and guiding me and more importantly carrying me through the good times, the bad times, the joyful moments, and the times I don't feel worthy of this calling.

The truth is to live this life for Him it takes a lot, that's why it's called the narrow way. We must give what we want to keep to gain something so much more than what we are trying to hold on to. At the time it may not seem like a good idea, it may seem foolish. But the foolish thing would be to hold on to these trivial things that the world calls good, to give up something far more important that the world tends to see as useless. Trust Him in all that you do. Don't be afraid to step out in faith. It will lead you to unknown places, unknown faces, and a heart full of love and joy. We may get lost, we may be lost, and we will have to lose many things to find His way. But His way leads to a life everylasting and who doesn't want to dance on golden streets with Jesus?

Let your light shine, let God use you in whatever you do. Be Jesus to those around you, let His love breakthrough and overflow from you to others. It's worth it. he's worth it.

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose" -Jim Elliot.

Losing myself to gain HIM,

HIS and yours,

  Cami