Aching Heaviness in my Heart

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters-- yes even his own life-- he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple." -Luke 14:26-27.

It is down to the wire. 4 weeks of my college career left... and then what? ha. I've been asking myself that question over and over for the past 7 months and friends and family have been asking me that question for even longer than that... " what are you going to do with your life?" Well instead of trying to plan it, I stopped planning and let God take the reigns, though at times I want to pull them from His hands, He has yet to lead me or given me something I cannot handle. And in a week and half, on April 19th, I will have my "entrance" interview to become a part of Africa Inland mission to be a missionary for a year over in Uganda. Wow... my heart just sighed. :)

There are so many feelings and words going through my mind and heart right now, even more so when I dropped that application in the mail and even more when I got the e-mail asking for an interview. God's hands are moving the clay of my life and I'm just trying to mold myself into the person He is calling me to be. But most times I feel like a screw up and I don't feel qualified for this journey, for this position at all. And the phrase "God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called." comes to mind. And in amazing ways this is so true, I mean look at all those God called in the Bible...

Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David had an affair, Noah got drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murder, Gideon was insecure, Miriam was a gossiper, Martha was a worrier, Sarah was impatient, Moses was a stutter, Zacheus was short, and Abraham was old... and me. I'm a Peter, a Noah, a Jonah, a Gideon, a Miriam, a Martha, a Sarah, a Moses, and more. And yet He is calling me to this life and I am so scared.

There is this aching heaviness feeling in my heart. In so many ways the feeling is good and bad. Good because I want so bad to return to Uganda, to be with the people, the kids, learn the culture, and the language, and just serve God. and yet I don't want to leave my family and my friends. I mean I'm already graduating and leaving behind all those I've spent my college years with as well as the new friends I have made and fell in love with. but then God wants me to leave my family as well. What the what? and then I read Luke, it's been a passage on my heart lately and my friend Jeremy decided to read it tonight for our Youth Ministry devotions and it punched me in the face. I have to leave. I have to move on. I have to go. Because this is my life for God, no one else but Him.

I can't live my life trying to make sure no one is disappointed in me, I'll just end up disappointing myself and more importantly God. I sometimes get upset because no one has sat down and asked me how I am feeling about everything, I listen to everyone else complain and how they feel but it seems no one really wants to listen. I just want to cry and scream and laugh and dance... but the amazing thing I have realized is that I can do all those things with God. So what if no one wants to listen, so what if everyone thinks I'm crazy. so what if everyone thinks I am dumb leaving my loans and going to another country. SO What. God will provide... He always does. He has provided for my family and my life when we have had literally nothing and He does it in miraculous ways. And if this is where He wants me this next season of my life, than He will get me there despite what everyone else says. yeah I am scared, I'm scared out of my mind, but if I weren't scared than how could I put more faith in God and trust in Him. I realize I cannot settle. I cannot settle for an 8 to 5 job, because that's not who God made me to be. I can't settle for a man who isn't going to love Jesus more than he would love me. I can't settle for a normal life, because God has called me to live a radical one. And if I don't follow His call I may be existing but I'm not really living. and that is what I want to do. I want to LIVE.

I don't hate my family or my friends, but I want my love for God to be so much more, that in comparison it looks like i hate my family and friends. ... Oh that sounds so weird... But God is so much more than just someone to shout at when something goes bad or pray to when someone is sick. he is the maker and the creator of the universe. the Ultimate friend, lover, father. He is my one and only. So yes my heart is aching with heaviness for the people I will be leaving behind in 4 weeks as well as the people I may be leaving behind in the months to come.

But it's also aching with heaviness for the people I will be going to serve. To see those beautiful faces and realize that this is what I was made to do. To serve God the rest of my life. Whether alone, with friends, with family, with a husband. It doesn't matter as long as I'm serving God... all those other things will come into place. I won't settle. I won't rush it. I will wait on Him and He will take care of me. Always.

Waiting and Praying and Loving on Him,

 HIS and yours,
 
  Cami