Broken...

How do I start this.

I am so broken. I am so frustrated. so angry. so irked. so impatient. so anxious. so worried. so scared. so excited. so broken.

Lately I have had many ups and downs to my moods because frankly at the moment life has been tough to handle. There are so many emotions swimming around in my skull they seems to be flooding me one by one, so one day I can be completely happy and the next I can be a complete crank and right now all I can think to do is let them all settle down inside of me and move on from there.

But what I've realized the most is how worthless I am. No really, I don't need a speech about how you do so much and you are so strong and all this. I can't handle that right now, what I need is an honest, you're right... you are worthless, you can't do anything, you are a broken and lost human being. I know it, I see it in myself everyday. Every day I look in that mirror and think you've got nothing to give this world or anybody. Every day I realize that by myself I've got nothing, I am worth nothing. I am a lost and broken human being.

It's something that has hit me more recently. I let people in to easily. Because I love on people to easily. I see the good in everybody. Everybody but myself. It's so hard when people constantly look at you like you do all these amazing things and i read your blog and you're faith is so strong and you've got it all figured out. but I don't and I don't think I ever will. My faith is so small and I constantly let myself get in the way of that and it's a constant battle, one that i have to keep fighting daily but i don't want people to see. Because people, let's face it... they don't really care, every one is always worried about number one. It's hard to be that person that genuinely cares about others, but never gets anything in return, it's how I constantly get hurt. Friends who don't stay in contact because... "well it's not convenient" and I've realized that a lot of my friendships wouldn' exist if i didn't keep in contact. And it is so frustrating to know that people don't care about you unless you're conveniently standing right in front of them. How cruddy is that? honestly.


It's been tough lately, since finding out that I am going to Tanzania for a year I have never been more excited, and yet that excitement has been torn down by the way people have pulled away from me. Friends, family, people I thought would stand next to me, become closer to me. They get angry with me, which makes me angry with them in return and then I'm just a cranky person, which isn't me, not in the least. or i see all these "i miss you" posts, and yet I haven't heard a single thing from anyone. and yet than it makes me stubborn waiting for someone... just ONCE... once... to email me, text me, message me, call me. first. Just once. and yet... I'm still waiting.

I guess what I've realized is, is that I don't have it all together and I am never ever in control, and sometimes... or most times it's frustrating and makes me impatient. But I am a broken human being, prone to make mistakes, yet for some reason Jesus still holds on to me. And i hold on to Him, because He's all I've got, He's all I'll ever have. It doesn't make sense at all holding on to something I can't see and yet, He's the only one that knows me, knows my weakness, my strengths, my imperfections. The only one that has called me first. He called me to Him. He made the first move, to take me from my old self and cleanse me. To give me the heart I have now, the sensitive, loving, sometimes impatient and frustrated heart. To teach me to love people no matter how hard, to do things without asking for anything in return. And it's hard. it's so hard, because I am a broken human being. But He's working on me. He's making me whole. I just take a lot longer than other people. so for now I feel broken but I also feel a lot of hammering and chiseling going on in my heart. and I'm going to keep following Him even if that means no one is with me. He's all I have, He is all any of us have, even if we don't believe, even if we don't see. He's with us. Always. to the very end of the age.

Broken and Seeking.



HIS and yours,


 Cami