Monday, February 6, 2012

I hope they see Jesus.

Exhausted.

that is the only word that can describe this past week and the next two weeks I'm sure. It has been a busy stressful couple of weeks and it seems that they are only going to keep going. And when I get stressed. I get frustrated. and I when I get frustrated I get irritated, sometimes for an unexplainable reason, because I know I can't control the things that are causing me this stress. So I get upset with things that have no affect on me normally, but in that moment it is the thing that drives me crazy.

I feel that these moments are the most important. The moments that I cannot control. Because I know deep down that Jesus can control them but that I won't let Him. I want to hold onto them, I want to get angry, get frustrated and irritated. But I didn't realize until today that when I do that. Jesus cannot be seen. and all I want is people to Jesus, not me. "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7.

I know that the Lord sees my heart and what's deep inside there, but the problem is normal people; aka everyone that is not Jesus, can't see my heart. And when I shut off my heart and get angry, then those people can't see Jesus either. and that is all I want.

But my fear is showing people my heart. letting people see that I am not what I appear to be. I am extremely vulnerable, I have a tender heart. I hurt easily. But I don't let it show on the outside. I want to stay tough, angry. "A lot of time, our greatest fears are rooted in personal insecurities. The perspective of faith enables us to see who we truly are in Christ. God is on our side. Through Jesus, we are righteous. We are cleansed. We are accepted." -Steven Furtick.

This is true, I am afraid of my personal insecurities, I want and I desire to let people see my heart. But in all honesty I don't know how to do that without a pen and paper. without a laptop and a word document. Letting people see my heart face to face is something I can't do very well. And I know it is something to work HARD on. How am I suppose to reach out to those who don't have a computer, who don't have paper or a pen. Those people, who with words, face to face, is the only way to touch their heart with mine.

God knows all to well that this is something I have to work on. And He's already started preparing me for this journey. In two days I will speak to over six hundred college students. My own classmates and friends and faculty and staff and people I have yet to meet and some I may never meet. I will open my heart in front of all those people. And I have never been more scared and felt more unprepared than I do right now.

It will be just me and Jesus. no hiding behind a notebook, no hiding behind a computer screen. They will see me, they will see my heart, and I hope they will see Jesus.

HIS and yours,



Cami

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