In the middle of last week I was struggling. Struggling to be enthusiastic about anything. At one time I got an e-mail about loans, and a credit card bill, and all these other things, but not one letter or one envelope containing what I really needed or wanted. Funds. Fundraising is hard, it's not something that I would choose to do if I had to. It takes a lot of hammering your flesh to the wall and humbling yourself before God and before others to ask for help, to ask for support, and for money. A part of me was wondering, Okay God, if money is not coming in, does that mean I'm not supposed to go, or am I not being patient enough, or what am I supposed to do? I seem to be asking God that question a lot, am I suppose to go, am I worthy to go. Because if I am honest many times over I do not feel worthy enough to go. So Tuesday night of last week I talked with God. I laid in bed for hours awake before I finally decided that the only person who can help me, is the One who called me to this journey. So there I was three in the morning, talking to the ceiling of my room, talking to God.
God, I know that this what You have called me to, because in my heart I can't see myself being anywhere else or doing anything else. I know I'm struggling with leaving behind my family and friends, all the people I love so deeply, but You have showed me that to sacrifice those things is part of this calling, and I know that my family will be here for me when I return, and those friends who truly care and love me will be there for me as well. It's not a convenient relationship to have, a friend being overseas, but I know that you have placed those people in my life that truly will take an effort in being there for me and praying for me, and remembering me even when I am not conveniently around, and I thank you in advanced for those people. God I know that I haven't been trusting you fully, that I haven't been faithfully sowing into my own calling. So God this is it, I will sow what I have into this trip, because if I don't trust and sow into my own journey, why should anyone else. I will give to other's who are doing your work around the world and I will continue to trust you FULLY for everything I need, because You are the provider. Amen.
So the next morning I got the chance to sit and talk with a girl named Haley who spent 10 days in Africa. I got to hear stories and see pictures and just share in our passion for Africa. We met in my churches coffee shop, where I also have a jar for tips to help me get to Tanzania. Remembering my prayer from the night before I tossed some cash that I had into the jar. That afternoon as I drove home, I checked the mail and had a couple letters. I tossed them on the table not really thinking much about it, and went to check my email. There was an email from one of the ladies at the base telling me that and old short-termer wanted to give a incoming short-term missionary some support as a tithe, and I happened to be the one that got this tither of 500 dollars. The breath was literally taken out of my chest. I ran to open up the letters that I got in the mail and before I knew it I had over 3000 dollars. going from 300 to 3000 in one day. I felt like those people on the mountain when God performed the miracle with the fish and loaves multiplying it so that every person could eat and be full. I felt so encouraged and so thankful for the willingness of people to give.
And yet God still wasn't finished, that upcoming Sunday we had a breakfast at my church. My church as always been so supportive and giving in missions, especially mine. Now, I live in a small town with a small church. The breakfast was a free will donations and I was just praying for whatever God wanted to provide, I had no specific number in my head, though the last couple ones had raised around 500. So as my mom and I are driving home from church I'm counting the money from the breakfast in the car. I remember saying "okay mom, you'll have to recount this because I don't think I counted right." So we counted again and again. but each time came up with the same number. My church, with such giving and selfless hearts, supported me with over 1000 dollars. I couldn't believe it, and I was just so amazed my the way God moves people and provides in such awesome ways.
It's crazy to think that at the beginning of last week I hardly had any support raised for Tanzania and now here I sit a week later and I'm halfway there to having my full support. God is so faithful, constantly multiplying my fish and my loaves of bread even when at times I don't believe He can. Seriously He continues to feed me over and over, when sometimes there isn't enough to feed me. His faithfulness is unfathomable, as is His love. In every moment my faith continues to be shaped and molded, my trust continues to grow. He is never late. He's not on my time, He's got it all planned out.
Now with a month before I am to leave I know that God will provide for me, that I will get to Tanzania and that I will be able to do what my heart desires. To Share the love of the Lord with so many people. To be a helper when needed, a servant when needed, to be a sister, and mother, a friend, but most of all a follower of Christ. There are a lot of things I still have yet to do before I make my way to Tanzania. And a lot of those things have the word goodbye in them.
There is never a great time to say goodbye. They are the hardest part of this life and yes I worry that I will lose touch with people I care greatly about, because I know it's going to be difficult to stay in touch easily overseas. But the truth is God is going to take care of me through it all and even in the worrying I know that there are and will be people in my life that will be there for me despite the distance, despite the inconvenience. So for now I will continue to prepare myself in the Lord. I will continue to thank those who have faithfully supported me and I will say goodbye to my family and friends when the time comes. There is much to do, but right now I will just sit in the awesomeness of God's glory and faithfulness.
In Awe of the Father,
HIS and yours,
Cami
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