The Chaos Inside...

      “There are a hundred things she has tried to chase away the things she won’t remember and that she can’t even let herself think about because that’s when the birds scream and the worms crawl and somewhere in her mind it’s always raining a slow and endless drizzle.
You will hear that she has left the country, that there was a gift she wanted you to have, but it is lost before it reaches you. Late one night the telephone will sing, and a voice that might be hers will say something that you cannot interpret before the connection crackles and is broken.”  
                                - Neil Gaiman

     

         How do you calm a storm, when it seems the waves have overtaken all. How do you swim through tides that grab hold of ankles and pull you undertow. How do you breathe the water out through your lungs without it burning in the process. How do you contain the chaos underneath, when above seems so calm? My thought exist much like the chaos below the oceans surface, seemingly quiet while and entire universe scurries about beneath the deep blue water. And sometimes I can't control it, sometimes I can't contain it. Sometimes they overwhelm me and I wonder how to express them to people without fear of being judge, or sounding crazy, or wondering if they will finally lose their idea of me and just see me, as I am, with no pretense. 

     And my heart aches and burns for good thoughts, for a clear mind; unadulterated. But lies sneak in, and sadness comes in waves and washes through like heavy tides, and anger seeps through cracks I thought were sealed tight with glue. And sometimes I just have to let go and say, I'm broken, in need of healing, in need of grace and I'm tired of trying to be this wonderful person, this ideal person, that I don't want to be indifferent, I just want to be honest.

    Honest in a way that says this past year has been one of the roughest I've ever experienced, that since coming home I've struggled constantly with losing sight of who Jesus is. Because all too often I don't see Him here, and it scares me and burdens me and makes me wonder where my eyes are looking, or if I'm looking at all. Since coming home I've ached with a deep unexplainable sadness, a longing for something more than what is and as I continue to cry out to God and search out my calling more and more, I'm seeing that I've spent years "at home" meeting people without ever knowing them and that hurts.

      And it hurts the way it does because I have so many words in my head, and there are too many ways to describe the way I feel. I keep crying out to God and asking Him where to start, where to go, and this year has been an echo of stillness. And I feel like I will never have this luxury of a dull ache. That I must suffer through the intricacies of feeling too much.

   Because I've seen too much, know too much, heard stories and fell in love with countries and people so so different from me, I've lost touch with who I am supposed to be here. That I have become a drifter, and as lonely as that can be sometimes, it is also remarkably freeing. That I am learning I never have to define myself in terms of anyone else, and yet when I'm here I find I do, I find that I forget too easily who God has called me to be and instead try to lean into what people are asking me to be. 

 
    I don't want to. I want to see Jesus here, but I feel clouded and weighed down. I have seen Jesus more clearly in the dirt and grime. But everyone here, in their facades, are scrubbed clean. I've seen Jesus in the people being hurt and mistreated, of the poor, the weak, the sick, the meek hearted and broken people. I have seen Jesus there more than I have in any church building here. In the sterile, clean, perfect environments we try so hard to keep as a "church."

   
       And I've never been so hurt and burnt by people and churches since coming home, the embrace that is talked about was an arms length pat on the head. The love and support that they flock to "new-comers" is disregarded to a lost and wandering single young woman, searching for her heart that has been lost to another country. It's hard to trust a church that proclaims to be Jesus, when Jesus is the last thing I've ever seen. 

   
        It's hard swimming through these oceans of thought, when I'm coming up to one of the biggest decisions in my life and God is pushing me and calling me forth and I crave for companionship, the way He created me for, for someone to grab my hand squeeze it tight and say "I love you, I support you 100 % and I will be here for you, while you're away and when you return." But I can't, because life happens and two years is a long time to ask for someone to wait, to love you when you're not around, and to lean in close and watch you go through your high and lows. It's to much to ask for… Isn't it? I don't know. 

   
        Maybe, just maybe, this is the sacrifice I kept feeling I was going to have to make. To look at my life and the people I love and have fallen in love with and ask them to not wait, to move on. Because who know's what could happen, and it scares the life out of me and keeps me questioning God. What about my family, what about my future, what about my relationships….

     And then I realize the problem…. I'm constantly using the word my, or mine… when in the end it's not mine… it's His, it and them and everything in between is His. It always has been and always will be. And I just keep testing my heart and listening to people who help me grow and teach me new ways of thinking. And Jesus keeps nudging me closer to that day where I don't have to wait any longer. He's leading me in this direction for a reason, He's putting these people in my life for a reason, no one, no thing is an accident and I just need to soak it all in, try and calm the ocean of my mind, ask Him to calm my storms and step out of the boat and enjoy the moments now. 

 
     This past year including these last couple months I've experience so many beautiful and strange things. I've been so joyful, and also super sad, I've learned about love and heartbreak, I've grown to understand my calling. I've seen the importance of my family, and the miraculous way God puts people in my life at the exact times I need them, even if it hurts. 

 
       It's been a roller coaster of a ride. But Life is kind of an uphill battle, like climbing a mountainside, some days I will have to go over rocks and messy foothills and other days will be a nice scenic hike, but no matter the way, eventually I will reach that top and see how far He has taken me.

        Until that day, I'll continue to attempt to live the way He has called me. To Love freely, with reckless abandonment, embracing those around me, whoever they may be, wherever I may be. I know He's got it all figured out, so I'm letting Him calm the chaos and take control of this worn out weathered storm. 

    Seeking Calm in the Storm,

   HIS and yours,

       Cami