Growing in a Process of Love and Grace.

     I never imagined my story to look like this. Never imagined I'd be here in this moment and all the ones before this. Never thought I would be finding so much love in my heart. Never thought I'd be sharing Jesus in a bookstore in the middle of the Business section. Never thought I'd be leading and sharing Jesus' love with youth. Never thought that I'd be laying on my bedroom floor, my eyes tired, my body tired, my heart heavy, yet so overjoyed. And yet this is where I find myself when things become to heavy to carry. Face down on my bedroom floor. I seem to find rest in this place. Things just seem to get real down here. Things seem to open up, things seem to become lighter. And I imagine that Jesus is laying right beside me, His arm around my shoulders, His tears echoing mine, comforting, understanding, loving.

      And right now I should probably be sleeping. But I can't. Too much is going on in my mind. Too many thoughts. Too many emotions. Too many things. So much Jesus, so much Magnificent, and I just need to climb up in His lap, process through the past couple weeks, and rest my weary bones.

      Jesus must have a "Mary Poppins" bag of grace for me. Sometimes I wonder if He ever wants to knock me upside the head, or shake my shoulders until I can focus straight and see that He is revealing things, that He is working and He has and will continue to prepare me for the work that is to be done in and for His Kingdom.

       Honestly I don't feel like I do enough. I don't feel like I'm qualified to do the work He is calling me to do. I constantly question myself and my heart. Am I doing this for the right reasons? Am I doing this for Jesus? You see, this past weekend I "lead" a youth retreat… and I use the term "lead" extremely lightly, because I didn't do much leading… He did. But I knew there would be battles stepping into that role. because I'm young. Many times it felt like people didn't respect or didn't trust me to do what I was called to do, just for that reason. Because I am young. And I kept going back to the verse in 1 Timothy 4:12 "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers, in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity." It made me lean on Him more, it made me realize that I'm an imperfect person called by a perfect Man.

and He reveled many things to me.

        I can get frustrated sometimes and forget in my emotions what He is calling me to. And He showed me this weekend that when I let go of the thoughts of others and cling to His thoughts and His nudging. Great things will follow.

     
This past weekend I got to work with amazing women, who made me laugh, cry, who prayed over me, encouraged me, and helped me see that my life is worth wasting for the Gospel. I got to meet and love on some amazing young women. I got to see many walk through struggles and come out the other side clinging to His robe. I got to hear testimonies of heart's healed, I got to see walls crumble and the enemy defeated. And that, in the end, triumph's over all my frustrating moments, over all my unqualified thoughts, over everything.

        I also got to see what goodbye feels like again, some of them I will never see again. And I realized that my big goodbye is drawing ever so close, and it's scary, and yet He is magnificent and sometimes it takes snot pouring from my nose, tears drenching my cheeks and being pulled into a room full of woman, them laying hands on me to confirm my calling even further.

      That even if I think I can't. I am wrong. It says in the Bible that God rescues and uses the dirty and the messy and the imperfect. It's all in His grace, the same grace that told David- the little harp playing boy, "You're Mine." to David the murderer adulterer "You're Mine." to Moses the unqualified, stuttering murderer, "You're Mine." to Paul who was also a murderer. He called all of them to Him. Throughout the Bible God calls the messy. The people who when called find excuses, just like me. And He's showing me that yeah, maybe I'm a mess, but I have something to offer.

And He's showing me through these past couple weeks that I am called to Him, called to be His hands and feet to His people, to His children.

       That there are these "little ones" every place. That they are coming, gathering with dirty faces and hurting hearts. That they maybe looking to me and not sure where to go or where else to look. And it's my job to teach them. to teach the people around me to stand firm. to Teach them to cling to Him. To teach them that it is okay to fail, and how to lean on Him to stand back up again. to point them to Jesus. Nothing gives me more joy in that. Nothing gave me more joy these past couple weeks than being with these youth and seeing the way that Jesus moves in them. lives in them, and loves them. Because at the end of the day, Faith is a funny thing. It just turns up when you don't really expect it.

      And I'm realizing that the fairytale I imagined is vastly different in the arms of my Jesus. That I don't have to know everything in order to live a brave and beautiful life. I just need to lean on Him.

That His plans are far greater and His calling on my life is far bigger.

     That I got to experience glimpses into Heaven these past couple weeks, fall in love with strangers, To see that Love is not simply something we feel, it's something that surrounds us, and nothing could ever compare to the love that has surrounded me.

       He is calling me, everyday to be Jesus, He is asking me to sacrifice and let go of things I am holding onto. And I'm realizing, slowly, that it's starting to not feel like a sacrifice, it's starting to feel like love.

   And I think I am just going to curl up with my dog and rest in that love.

A love that takes me anywhere...





Finding Rest,


 HIS and yours,

  Cami