Ripped Quilts and Broken Joy.

"There's no such thing as a painless lesson. They just don't exist. Sacrifices are necessary. You can't gain anything without losing something first, although if you can endure that pain and walk away from it, you'll find that you now have a heart strong enough to over come any obstacle"     -Edward Elric.

God is absolutely, magnificently awe-inspiring. And life is and I think will constantly be a funny sort-a-thing. Just when I think I've got it all figured out, just when I finally begin to plan something, get excited about something, and feel like I know what direction I'm heading in. the paths change, the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and east is west, and I feel so lost. and it is so easy to lose my way, to lose direction. And God's constantly hunkering down next to me, saying "look, listen, I am your center, I am your guide. I am that star. Look for me, follow me, and I will guide you home."

And I haven't been writing as much as I used to. It seems now-a-days everyone has a blog and everyone has something to say. And I've been thinking more and more maybe it's time to just hang it all up, call it quits. Put the cap on the pen, push away the crumpled papers, and walk away. I never intended to write for people to read, or for people to follow. I just wanted to write. I write to discover me. to remove the chaos in my brain, the clutter of words, which flow so freely onto paper and make so much more sense to me in ink, rather than in thought.

Maybe I'm not a writer after all. No one ever sat me down and said "Cameron, you're a writer, that's what you are and that's what you will be." They said I was writing material, but never a writer. And I think that as I've been meditating on HIM more and revisiting my life through journals from years past I think it started to become a theme. People constantly telling me what kind of material I have and what kind I don't. "You're teaching material, but you're horrible at being in front of people." "You're writing material, but it's just too raw, too chunky." "You're missionary material, but you hate to fly and you're too shy." "You're marriage material, but definitely don't fit in the 'dateable' category." blah blah blah blah blah… It goes on and on and I'm left clutching onto so many different fabrics, so many different materials, wondering what it all even means.

And a lot of times it seems like I spend too much time stitching up my heart after I've opened it up once again, then stitching up all this "material" I have clutched so tightly in my hands. And it scares me to death to think that one day I might look back at my life and realized that I lived it painfully ordinary. That instead of looking to my north star, to my Jesus, I spent too much time staring down at a mismatched quilt, wondering what it meant.

It wasn't until this last week that I unclenched my hands from all that material, let it fall from my lap and walked forward.

This past week I returned to a place I was in 9 years ago, a place where I first received my calling to spend my life serving God. And I was able to see what I am made of. What HE has made me for.

I got to spend time with amazing young women. Who brought me so much joy, who made me laugh and cry. Who helped me to grow and learn that God has called me to people, no matter where I am at. That my joy in that moment was made complete with these girls, talking and listening to their hearts. These young women are world changers, and I am and have been so blessed to be a small part of their lives this year. No words can express the huge amount of love I've harbored in my heart for each one of them. I hold them close, which makes this joy so hard, which makes this joy feel so broken. because I know for the moment I am here, but moments are fleeting and when God's voice beckons me away, I must go.

But in these moments of broken joy I see that tattered, ripped quilt down at my feet. And Jesus is throwing a robe around my shoulders, That I keep asking Him why I risk losing so much love. Loving this way can be risky and yet… great love is risky. That constantly we are told to take love and use it to gain things, for an advantage. But Love is not for gain, love is for losing. That to be a leader, I must be a servant. That to gain, I must lose. To toss my love across the seas, across oceans of heart and tidal waves of hands. That I must live radical in the now, with what I have. because living radical isn't about the place I live but it's about how I love. That I will not be waiting until the next time I'm on an airplane to risk love. I do it now. To these girls, to my other co- leaders, to my co-workers, to my family, to my friends, to every person I come in contact with.

Because God's love never allows dust to settle in my heart!

I must risk my life. Because ultimately I know I will be totally secure in Jesus. In whatever He is calling me towards, in the now, in the moments, and in the ones to come. That if this service and sacrifice will make Jesus look big, if it will fulfill Jesus' purposes, if it will communicate Jesus to the people around me and to the world. Than I will be all for it.

And it's hard and it's horrible when your heart is somewhere your body is not, but Jesus is calling me to Him now, my heart in His hands, teaching me, listening to me, crying with me, cradling with me, talking to me, reminding me that He is the ultimate love giver. That all the materials people tried to sew onto me do not define me. That His plan and purpose is awesome and where I am now is where I am suppose to be. To wait on Him.

So here I am, standing in the midst of a tattered, ripped quilt and wrapping myself tighter into His robes. He is cradling my broken joy close in His arms, And I'm ready. I'm ready to risk it. to be a servant, to lose, to have my life wrecked beyond recognition.

Here I am. Not unsteady, but a little unsure. Not impatient, but unmoving. Not hiding. Waiting.


Dancing in Joy and Tattered Quilts,


 HIS and yours,


  Cami