Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Heart in a different time zone...

Some days I open my eyes and hope to find my feet tangled in a mosquito net and a roosters crow echoing through my ears. Today was one of those days. Where my heart woke me up in Africa, but reality woke me up in Iowa. Today was a a sad, stressful, tiring, aching heart kind of day. And right now all I want to do is sit in my bed and cry.

I think I'm just frustrated because I just don't know what I am doing here. God, what am I doing here, why am I here. Transitions are the most horrid time periods of my life. I feel lost and yet found, safe and unsure, at home and yet not. It's so difficult to have patience with certain things. Sometimes even in my job. Thank God I found one to start paying off loans and such, but how selfish people can be.

A lady returning a dress because she found it had a snag on it. In my head I was thinking "Lady there is a little girl 8000 miles across the ocean that wears the same brown and pink dress everyday, with the holes across the stomach, and you are returning this 80 dollar dress because it has a snag." Or the man who is upset because he found a chip in the plate or the woman who returns the drapes because they were "defective" Lady be thankful you even have a house that has windows that you can hang drapes in, because many people lack that.

And the sadness just overwhelms me and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to be patient and I'm trying to wait on Him, and I know His ways are higher and His plans are better. And somedays I wish He would just drop it right into my life. He would scream into my ear with joy. "Cami, Cami my beautiful one, you are leaving today, you are going across the ocean, to stay with those Orphans and those widows, to give your life to them. I have got you and them all taken care of now GO."

But right now He is telling me that my place is here, and so here is where I stay. soaking in time with my family, working to pay off loans, making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. And hoping and praying that soon will come the day when God finally calls me. When I am no longer in my transition but in my mission. But that day is not right now.

 So yeah, some days I will continue waking up with my heart tangled in the hands of a little child half way across the Ocean, tangled in the hands of my Beloved. But it's much better than waking up with it tangled in the hands of selfishness, tangled in the hands of the evil one.

So here I sit, tears on my pillow, heart in a different time zone, prayers lifted up. Waiting.


HIS and yours,

  Cami

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