here's to new beginnings...

As I've become older, I've begun to see that I lose things much too easy and much faster than I used to. Lose faith in people, in love, in faith, in finding happiness, and even in myself. That there have been these moments where everything seems to be accelerated; and it feels as if I don't have very much time left to accomplish everything I desire to do with my one precious life. I feel rushed to find a career and a soulmate and do the things i'm "supposed to do" I feel rushed to settle down.

but i don't want to settle down. ever.

And i have this innate fear of settling. Settling with a job because I tell myself that I need to get my life started instead of quitting job after job, trying to find something I love, and I don't even know where to begin. That i will lower my expectations of what love should be because I've lost faith that such a great love could exist and a deep part of me still doesn't want to end up "alone." That I will lose the faith i have in Him and in myself, because some days are dark and feel hopeless and I feel like i can no loner accomplish or change the world the way I once thought I could.

Me, one messy, clumsy, measly little girl. 

And I don't think it will ever happen. I will admit I'm a little too proud to settle, I'm a little too stubborn to work at something I don't love and a little to protective to let myself just love anyone. and I'm a little too dependent on Him to ever let Him go. But that being said, it's easy in this dark and dusty place we call the world, to lose things. to let go of hope, happiness, faith, love, because of hurt. pain. anger. loss. 

The world sinks it's teeth deep into our flesh, breaking the top layer of skin all the way through the veins and into our bones and sucks the marrow out of life. and all to often I have found that I let it. I pull back my sleeve, stick my arm out to the wolves and let their teeth sink deep. because I am a coward. too afraid to stand and fight off those wolves. 

I am a coward. I am afraid. and I hate it. 

I am sick and tired of walking around as the shy, timid, sweet girl. I'm tired of my lips being dry and my voice quivering in fear. I'm tired of thinking that things don't work out because I am the problem. I'm tired of finding a way to blame myself for everything, of being unhappy all the time, of moping around in this state of sadness and hopelessness. I'm sick. sick. sick and tired of being a coward. A coward to the world and a coward to myself. 

I don't want to be a shy timid sweet girl. I want to be loud, bold, unashamed and reckless. I want to have the courage to say what I mean and mean what I say. To hold steady to the truths I know deep within my heart, instead of quivering in fear at the first sign of trouble. God did not give me a spirt of timidity, so I shouldn't be covered in one. He gave me a spirt of power and of love and of self-discipline; and that's what I should be walking in. 

Constantly I let myself be overcome by the enemy and this past year it's been easy for him to find the cracks and fill it with his fear and his cowardice. But enough is enough. 

We are not here to be overcome. but to rise, unvanquished after every knockout blow, and laugh the laugh of faith, not fear. To stand boldly, courageously in the devil's face and laugh, a belly full of laughter, one full of joy, one full of faith, one full of Jesus' and remind him that he can not defeat us. That he cannot defeat Jesus, because He who is in us is greater than the he who is in the world. and always will be.

It's a new year, which means new beginnings. I don't have resolutions, I want to be a revolution. I want to be His hands and his feet. I want to be the one bringing the good news to the poor, be the one to help bind up the brokenhearted, and stand up for justice in this dark and dusty, fallen world. I want to be a revolution. 

So I challenge myself to be BOLD. to stand out. to be different. to stand tall, to no longer shy away. He is calling me right now to do that which He created only me to do. So I will courageously go. 

This is the point, where He brings me face to face with my fears and face to face with the truth and I must choose to have the courage to trust in the pouring out of His love and truth. This is where I step off the cliff I've so safely glued myself to… and where I finally leap into His arms. That is faith living, that is going boldly, jumping fearlessly, knowing He will never leave nor forsake. 

I trust Him with all my heart. 

here's to new beginnings…

HIS and yours,

 Cami 

Crying in the Bathroom Stall

…drip

…drip

…drip

The faucet slowly releases little droplets of water into the tub.

…splish

…splash

They hit the cold porcelain and find their way to the drain. 

Lately it has felt like I am curled up in scalding water in a porcelain tub. The steam burning my skin and water enveloping me as I sink underneath, holding my breath until my lungs burn. My head filled with liquid, shutting out the rush of the world. silence. so much silence.

and I've come to know silence well. Because when you sit in silence long enough, you learn that silence has a motion. It glides over you without shape or form, but with weight, exactly like water. 

and that weight has become heavy, oh so heavy upon my back and upon chest, upon my eyes and upon my heart. The silence of me. the silence of people. and at times it seems the silence of God. 

Someone found me in the bathroom stall today; head between my knees, sobs throughout my chest, crouched down, leaking tears all over the floor. They thought I was sick or injured, no, just overwhelmed. I was just cursed and yelled at on the phone for our store not having a book in stock for someone's Christmas present. 

People are brutal. 

But it hasn't been just that one time. This has happened many times. The short tones, the huffs over the phone, as if it is my fault that this gift will not be hand delivered to the person. And no matter how much I apologize, no matter how much help I offer. I'm still just a "stupid f***ing customer service bitch who doesn't know how to do my job." And one can only take so much, until words start to sink in, until words start to wound. Until one is found crying in a bathroom stall. 

Just shake it off, brush it off your shoulders. but I can't and I won't, my heart is a sensitive one. and people...

People are brutal. 

and I keep thinking, God I did not come home for this. God where are you in this? And I can't seem to find Him, I can't seem to hear Him. I want guidance, I crave it, desire it, and yet I feel like I'm wandering waywardly in the dark, my hands out in front of my face, praying I won't hit anything that will damage me too badly. 

Over and over in my head I hear, "We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 

and deep down I know He is here. and it seems I am so deep inside, I see no end in sight, and no distance. and maybe, just maybe I'm not suppose to. but i want to.

I want an end to the madness. To the brutality of people against other people. an end to customer service. 

I want an end to the debate over what is a sin and what is not. 

I want an end to being so lost in the world, that I lose who I am in Jesus. 

He did not come so that we could live a cushioned lifestyle. He came so that we could lose our lives so He could save them. He came to turn our lives upside down, so that they could be right side up. and our heads are stuck so far into our own lives, into our television sets of reality TV, that we are lost to the reality of the REAL world. 

to the massacres in Syria. 

to the empty hearts in America

to the the desperate needs of those around us.

in every country.

on every continent. 

we are blind to what really matters. 

and we push and shove to get the next best iPhone or whatever, but we're not pushing and shoving to fall at the feet of Jesus. to love on the lost, the damned, the oppressed. there is no pushing and shoving all I see is running and fleeing. 

We are all sinner in need of saving grace, and sometimes through His silence He is showing me that grace is what I need to learn more about. Of receiving it and giving it. Because it's not easy to be grace giving, it's not easy to tell someone to have a nice day after they scream and yell and curse at you on the phone. 

But it's all in trust. all in faith. Faith, a choice that doesn't feel like a choice, because love is always greater than the sum of it's evidence. Love is always greater. He is love. and I am called to love, even through the silent moments. 

My heart is hurting. But I need to step out of my porcelain tub, unlock the bathroom stall and just keep on going. keep on pushing and shoving through, reaching out my hands, even if it seems dark, to the people God is calling me too. Even those unruly customers on the telephone. 

Because We are faithful to Him who is faithful... because of who He is. because He's worth all of it, whether we feel it or not, we are to be His hands and His feet.

There is a God to know.

There are people to love, to listen to, to clothe, to care for, to feed. 

They are both friends and total strangers, both next-door neighbors and brother and sisters across the oceans. 

There are mouths to feed, feet to get dirty and hands to hold, children to love.

Going in Faith.

But it is all grace anyway. the giving and the gift- grace.

We ask, and He gives

and gives.

Sometimes when we want it, and sometimes when we need it, Sometimes the same, sometimes different.

But there is always Grace.

And sometimes you have to be crying on the bathroom floor, to finally hear a break in the silence.

"Be still. I am here." 

my bones are tired, but they're still shaking. My heart is torn, but it's done breaking. My hope is set on things unseen. 

HIS and yours,

 Cami 

a letter to the little girl I know so well.

 A Letter to Myself At 13:

     There are so many things I wish to tell you. So many things I wish to say. I know you. I know you oh so well. I know your tender heart, and your mind-numbing thoughts, and your leaky soul of creativity. I know your longing for a deep kind of love, for something more than this world, for your passion and constant yearning to reach for people and grasp them tight and love them without reason. I know, because I am you; I'm you at 23. 

   And let me start by telling you one thing, one very important thing that you will tend to forget the next ten years of your life. You are without doubt loved beyond recognition, loved without bounds, loved unconditionally. "There is no Flaw in You" (Songs 4:7). Just take that bit of information and write it down on the edge of your heart. Scribble it across those walls you've built up to keep yourself safe. Because love is going to tear down those walls… God's beautiful love, and you'll never see it coming. 

  I know you're rolling your eyes at me right now. God, yeah right. Trust me, He's already been working in your life, since the day you were born. Stretching and working and molding the clay. you'll see and you'll never be the same, my beautiful soul, my beautiful sister, my beautiful self. Your harden heart is already being softened and molded. And that is a beautiful thing. 

  There are going to be times when you feel you give your love too easily to people… And there are going to be days you want to rip your heart right off your sleeve and tuck it deep within your pocket. To hide and protect it from curious eyes and judgmental fingers that stare and poke. Don't do it. Don't hide away your heart from the world. Don't tuck your hands in your pocket and shrug your shoulders like you don't care. Trust me little girl, God is calling you to much greater plans, much greater things, than what you can see in this moment. 

  The hands that touch and prod your heart are going to leave fingerprints for years and years to come. Hands from all over the country and all over the world. Hands of family, hands of friends, hands of First Nation children, Hands of Prisoners, Hands of Ugandans, Hands of Haitians, Hands of Germans, Hands of Kenyans, hands of Tanzanians, of orphans and widows and missionaries. Their hands, their faces, their names, you won't be able to forget and you won't ever want to. God is calling you to these people, to love recklessly.  I know it's hard to understand, especially right now when all you can think about is surviving Physical Science and Algebra one. 

  And I know you've felt it. Those feelings that seem to get so big in your chest, like something is so beautiful it aches. You can feel it now, in these tough moments of high school. They are preparing you for what is to come. For the tough moments in College and traveling, and relationships. in ten years there will be two people, two strangers who are going to speak words that will move your heart, "There is a radiance in you that this world needs." God's radiance. The radiance of Christ. 

 In this moment, deep down I know your heart is yearning for something worldly, for that amazing man to come sweep you off your feet. My sweet girl, he is not coming. he will not be coming and in ten years he will have yet to show up at your doorstep. But trust one thing. Jesus. the One amazing Man who doesn't need to show up because He's already with you. You're yearning for that romantic worldly relationship is going to fade out. I know it's a miracle and hard to believe. But it is going to be overshadowed by your need for Jesus and your heart for serving Him and Him only. You, my dear will not be content to live a merely "normal" life or settle for any average existence. You are destined for so much more.  

 Cameron, You are brave and strong and fierce, and you are that way for a reason. You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love. You are sensitive, and opinionated, and sometimes quiet, something not everyone knows how to understand. You are reckless, and bold, and will constantly be moving, something that not everyone will know how to grasp onto. But God  has so many amazing things planned for you in the next ten years. 

 Be patient, get out in the world and start doing, but wait on Him and only Him. 

  Remember, waiting is the great grace, a subtle sign for those with eyes to see, reminding us that there is work yet to be done-- not just around us, but in us. There is much work to be done in you, and at 23, there is much more work to be done. Waiting and patience will become your prayer, your necklace. God is working so much. It's hard to understand right now, but Trust in Him, it's easier said than done, step out from your fear and trample it beneath your feet and free fall into His amazing Grace and His Loving arms. 

 Don't lose your love or the fire in your belly. Don't lose your compassion, it hurts, especially when you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything, And you cannot turn away. Your big heart will make sense to you in years to come. And sometimes words just won't get you there… they won't let you say all the stuff from deep in your heart, stuff that no dictionary has a name for. But never stop writing. And never stop sharing His stories... This is one journey you are going to want to write down. 

 Continue to share your heart with people even if it's been broken. You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy. The heaviness is what you will ask for. The heaviness is what you need. It is your deep love for Christ and the burdens He has given you that will push you forward. Never let go of that. Never let go of Him.

Keep growing. Keep seeking.

Be Passionate, Be reckless. Be bold.

 Love God, Love others.

  I may be far away, but I will always be within reach. Always.

    HIS,

   You at 23. 

Airport People.

I have these boxes full of knickknacks, all very odd but none of them ends in themselves. My mind is like those boxes. A variety of trinkets, information, memories; many things I should just throw out but never do. And I have this deep seeded desire to take my brain out of my head, wash it in the bath, towel it dry, and then put it back in my head.

Because I think that maybe if I could wash my brain clean, I could wash away feelings along with memories, but unfortunately that is not how it works. No matter how much I wish it to be so. I can't remove my brain from my skull and I can't remove my heartache from my soul.

 Lately I've been living too much in my own head. Digging through thoughts and memories trying to find the right one to push me forward. But honestly it has just be drudging up the past and causing me to look past the people being placed in front of me. I've been knee deep in my own mess, I haven't even looked up to see that God is standing knee deep with me. 

Yet then there's the moment… the moment I look up, and I feel Him all around. I feel His sturdy arms grasp me and lift me up out of the muck and into His arms; with just a word, a single phrase, spoken by a person in an airport on a plane. 

I have this love-hate relationship with airports. They take me away from the people I love and yet they tend to always bring me back to them. And I love the way you can get to know a single person on an airplane, sharing stories and life, but never sharing names. You can learn a lot about a person on an airplane, about life and hopes and dreams and faith. You just have to be wiling to open your eyes, your mouth, and your ears. 

My eyes were shut and my headphones were in. I was thinking, deeply thinking, digging through things in my mind, trying to decide what my next step would be, when he tapped me on the arm. I open my eyes took out a headphone and said "Yeah?" he looked at me confused and said "sorry it was an accident." His brown hair was spiked up in the front, his dark brown eyes looked at me gently, scanning my face. I couldn't decide if I should just turn and look out the window or say something else.

"So you live here or just visiting." he spoke words that would begin a long conversation. 

We talked about life and jobs and relationships. It's interesting how easy it is to talk to someone you know you may never see again. The heart kind of beats faster knowing that these personal things, these passionate things being shared with a complete stranger are safe. I'll never see him again and we never asked for each other's names. 

He was at least 30, with his salt and pepper hair. He worked in investment and was coming to Iowa on a one day "pain in the ass" business trip, as he put it. He wasn't married, just to his job. He traveled about five, six times a year to look into companies. He talked for a while and I just listened. He was interesting and smart. Most of what he said about investments I couldn't really understand. He talked about life in Philadelphia and such. And it was nice to listen to someone else, beside my own thoughts. 

Then he asked about me. 

I told him honestly I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I talked about doubting what I felt I should be doing with what everyone around me believes. I talked to him about nursing and Africa and my deep passion to serve God and help others. How I feel like I just want to do what's right and love on everyone, but recently even that's becoming difficult. That lately it's felt like I'm all alone in the world and I don't know where to turn. That right now I'm just placing one foot in front of the others but most days I just want to stay in bed and hide from the world. 

I had nothing to lose, I let words fall onto the arm rest between us, spilling thoughts and ideas to a complete stranger. I had no idea where this trust in this random man had came from. And as the plane began to descend I felt a sense of peace, to have finally gotten so much off my chest and out of my head.

The man looked at me as the turbulence swayed the plane back and forth and smiled. "Can I say something without creeping you out?" he asked laughing. 

"Of course." I'd just spill my heart from my chest to this man, I was surprised he wasn't creeped out. 

"I think you know exactly what you need to do and where you need to go. Of course I don't know you at all. but we don't necessarily decide the weather, or the way the day is going to go, we only decide how we live within them. You have to decide how to live within the days you've been given." 

I kind of smiled as I felt the wheels of the plane touch the ground. "easier said than done." 

"Just because circumstance are ugly, doesn't mean there is no beauty in the midst. You just have to move your feet. Because if I can be bold, There is a radiance in you that this world needs."

I looked at him speechless as the people around us began to rise and grab their bags overhead. I couldn't say anything. He got up from his seat in 12E, grabbed is Ralph Lauren jacket and shook my hand, "It was very nice to meet you." and he was gone. 

I sat in 12F looking out the window of the plane, watching people's bags be tossed to and fro, until I was the last one there. I grabbed my bag from the overhead compartment replaying the man's words in my head.

How did a complete stranger know exactly what to say to reach in and start a spark in my heart?

When I reach deep down, pushing pass the heartache and climbing walls that have been built up with brick and mortar and crawling through the electric fence to the depths of my heart, I am beginning to see what this man saw. What Ruth saw so many months ago. Radiance. His radiance. That lately I've been pushing my faith and His radiant light down trying to decide where I should go instead of letting Him lead me. That my walls and fences have done a good job at keeping people out, but also keeping my faith bottled up inside of me. And God, using this random stranger has taken bolt cutters to that fence and a sledge hammer to that wall, and I am discovering that through this one moment, a stranger totally unknown to me had been awoken.

And I have to say that He is pushing me to become a better woman than the one I have been. 

To be a woman who doesn't shut herself off and hide from the world. but a woman who recklessly loves Jesus, no matter the cost, a woman who will continue to love people even through her broken heart. a woman who chooses others above herself. a woman who travels the world, who lives on mere whimsy and faith. a woman who isn't defined by anyone or anything but Jesus, and His life inside of her.

I don't know where you are these days, what's broken down and what's beautiful in this season of your life. I don't know if this is a season of happiness or one of sadness. But I'm learning that neither last forever. There will, I'm sure be something that invades this current loveliness. That's how life is. It won't always be happy, but it won't always be sad either. If everywhere you look these days, it's wintery desolate, and lonely, believe in the spring. It always comes, even though someday it's nearly impossible to imagine, ground frozen, trees bare and spiky. New life will spring from this same ground. This season will end, and something entirely new will follow it. 

God has a plan in all and I hope I never stop discovering new things about Him and experiencing new ways of hearing and seeing Him. Right now I'm still struggling, but I think that a life chasing after Jesus will always be a struggle, because there will always be the enemy raging battles against us. 

And right now I feel I am in the hard, beautiful middle of faith. And it's exactly where I'm supposed to be.

HIS and yours,

Cami 

Lost Faith…

I've realized there is something incredibly honest about trees in the winter, how they're experts at letting things go. And maybe, just maybe I could really learn something from the trees.

But truth is I am doubtful in a way that would make Thomas cringe. And I am unfaithful to the point where Peter would look away from me and shake his head. I've heard myself speaking things I swore I knew belong to me, but now here I stand questioning them once again.

And right now all I have are shaky hands and one foot on either side of a fence I am too afraid to tear down.

As I pick up the wrappers of chocolate and sour candy that I've been consuming for the past week, I can't help but honestly say this is not what I thought my life would look like at any given moment.

I would have thought I'd be working a job I love or that I would be back in Africa by now. But I'm sitting in my bedroom, surrounded by sour patch kids wrappers wondering how God has ever seen me fit for ministry. Truthfully I don't really want to leave my house or shower, no not just because of heartache, but because honestly I have no idea where to go or what to do. I don't want to run into people to receive the "oh you're hurting look, let me offer you advice and a cookie." I don't want to have to put on a mask of everything is good. Everything is not good. Everything has not been good for a long time.

Gosh, I'm hurting everyday… what makes this hurt any different. Why because it's visible, because it's on this side of the ocean. because it has to do with what every American Dream is about. because it's not about the little girl I fell in love with in Tanzania, but about something I never actually had planned for.  I just want to understand… where were these people when I returned home months ago broken and bruised. And how do you explain that to people… how do you show people you're not bitter but just still hurting. how do I explain that I haven't lost faith in Jesus, but in myself. How do I explain that my life is nowhere near what I thought it would be and I am not okay with it. I'm dissatisfied and trying to figure out what to do with that.

How do I stop saying I am fine and be totally honest… face-to-face. So many people want to talk, but honestly I just don't know what to say… and I don't want to talk. I want to go… move… do something, anything. But honestly the hope I had in who I was is a pretty dim light right now.

I have very little confidence, very little motivation, very little drive. It could have to do with unnatural amount of bags of chocolate and sour candy I've consumed. It could be that right now I'm feeling lost and unsure about what to do next. I just feel so naive. so dumb. just so stupid. Just so many unknown variables in this equation of my life and people keep saying you're strong and independent and confident. But I'm not. I'm not.

I have never felt so weak.

And honestly I've been spending most hours of my days looking at pictures of Hollo and Justin and Suzanne and Caren. Of Tanzania, of Kenya, of Uganda. Looking back to the place my heart is and maybe it's why I feel so much pain… because my heart has never fully been here and I have no words for people around me who want to know why I hurt so much. That I have no job, no income, and I feel like I just lost my best friend. Maybe it's that fact that deep down in my soul I know God is doing something but I just can't find enough faith in myself to even wash my hair.

I know where my truth lies. In Him.

I know where my confidence lies. In Him.

I know where my hope lies. In Him.

I know where my faith lies. In Him.

My soul is thirsty for Him in this dry and weary land.

I'm all out of candy and tears. I'm just trying to move forward one painful step at a time.

But that's how this life is supposed to be, it's not suppose to be rainbows all the time… sometimes there are storms. and maybe I just don't want to be a Christian anymore.

because they think they always have an answer for something, a problem to solve, an idea to put into action, a understanding in confusion. And I don't. I honestly don't. And I don't want to be that anymore… I don't want to be a Christian anymore. I just want to believe and love Jesus and do my best to love the people around me.

I don't want to have an answer for everything, because I know I never will. I don't want to solve all the problems, because I know I can't.

I just want to put my hope in Jesus and have faith and know deep down He will lift me up. That He knows where my life is leading and I just need to throw away the candy wrappers, wash my oily hair, put on a jacket and head out the door. I just need to move. to go. to stop looking at pictures and trying to remember memories and to go and make more memories. To love boldly even when it hurts.

A friend once told me, "there is no such thing as wasted love." and I believe her, because the love Jesus has lavished on me is no waste at all, and my responsibility is to lavish His love upon others. Even when I feel like I'm doubting myself, even when I have no faith in me, He does; and that truly makes all the difference. 

And He's showing me that I need to learn from the trees. I need to let things go. I need to stop holding on so tightly and let Him carry me. It's a lesson I'm constantly being taught. That I need to let go of all I thought I would be and just find who I am in Him, and everything else will come to be in His timing.


Finding myself in Him,


HIS and yours,


  Cami

From Over thinking to Going.

The rust-colored leaves smell of spices and earth as they crunch underneath my bare feet. There is a chilly breeze blowing through the dead-limbed trees. And for this early in the morning, I'm carrying far too much inside of me. And I need to remind myself to hold on. to slow down. and to breathe in. deep. and to let it out slow. To remember that some mornings I am going to wake up and not understand, not grasp ahold of the clutter of feelings rolling around inside of me. That some days it takes a cold walk on a chilly morning over crunchy colored leaves to let God take hold of me. 

I quit my job. I quit my job. And here I sit a week later sprawled across my bedroom floor wondering what is next. Wondering why I am here, Wondering why God has lead me to this place, to this moment, at this time. And I feel I've spent the first three or so years of my twenties in wonder. I realize that I'm not alone, I mean who in their twenties has life even figured out. That I tell teenage girls all the time that it's okay to be a mess sometimes, that it's okay to not be perfect and it's okay to not be okay, it's just means you're in the thick of living. But sometimes I am hindered by my own advice. Sometimes my advice sounds better spoken to others, rather than to myself. 

Ask anyone who knows me well, I tend to over think things too often. Especially now with all this time on my hands and the hours i've spent laying on my couch watching Netflix to try and block out my thoughts, over thinking has become kind of overwhelming. Over thinking jobs and nursing school and my family and kids in Africa and kids in Ogden and how do you tell someone how you really feel about them. How do you take everything you've ever known yourself to be and move forward into who you're suppose to become. 

And i'm finding that I don't want to be an idle woman. I don't want to be one of those women that puts her life on hold, too busy over thinking things, over analyzing moments instead of enjoying them. I don't want to spend the remainder of my twenties and thirties and the rest of my life wondering what's next. Wondering when I'll find the right job, wondering when I'll find the right words to explain my heart. Wondering when I will see those little faces again. I don't want to wonder my life away, I want to become somebody. To become the woman God has created me to be. 

To not sit idly by, even now with no job. I want to stop wasting my days with Netflix and romantic comedies. Trying to get lost in thoughts instead of lost in people. In the people He has placed in my life. To stop waiting for people to call me, to respond. But to keep reaching out even if it means coming back empty handed. I want to use my hands, my head and my heart for the good of others. 

Because this relationship with Jesus, this life I am living for Him and with Him is not something wild to tame but something wild to run with. 

To run recklessly and to love unconditionally. 

Jesus never said "Think and then go…" He simply said "Go." 

Where? I have no idea at the moment, but I need to crawl out from underneath my pillows and blankets, turn off the TV, take a shower, throw on some clothes other than my pajamas and do just that. Go. 

Go find someone to talk to.

Go find that job.

Go apply to nursing school.

Go tell him about my heart.

Go pray for that child.

Go find a way back to Africa.

Go all in His timing. I will Go. 

To stop sitting and wondering, but start going and wandering.

His hands are guiding my life in a beautiful way and I need to stop guarding my life and start giving it away. To stop being timid and speak. to stop dying and start living. Really living. 

That yes I carry a lot deep down inside of me. And I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it all. But sitting around waiting for life to happen just isn't going to cut it anymore. To constantly remind myself that yes, He is in control, even on the days that seem like they are spiraling out of control and I can't explain myself or anything else around me, that I don't need to over think a single thing, but to remember that God is in it, molding me, shaping me, changing me into the woman I am supposed to be.

Going in His Grace,

 HIS and yours,

   Cami

A Wordless Post.

I didn't know, words could be so heavy.

Heavy like a first snow on a broken tree branch.

Heavy like one hundred pound weights on my chest.

Heavy like a tension headache in the back of my brain.

They're burning and building and sinking and swimming around up there and I've been struggling to let them go. To lift the weight of thought from this brain of mine and just let it all go, let the worries go, let the struggle go, let the pain go, let the loneliness go. Just let the words go.

To find the synonym, the antonym, to dig through a dictionary, encyclopedia, thesaurus, to find the one thing to describe it all. To be able to cut open my heart and let the feelings bleed out. For the word, the phrase, the single sentence to explain to someone, anyone what is going on inside me.

But rarely do we ever tell people about the true depths of our struggles and our loneliness. About how with each passing day we feel more lost than the day before, more alienated from those around us and we're not sure how to fix it or where to start.

And as I sit here drinking my cup of tea, letting the heat scorch the back of my throat and letting the warm liquid drain into my stomach. Feeling it's warmth splash into my stomach and into my soul I can't help but compare my tea to the feeling Jesus gives me, even in this moment of wordless struggle. Even when words cannot find their way out of my head and onto my tongue. Jesus finds His way through my mess and into my heart.

I cried at a gum commercial today.

And at first I thought I was going crazy as I felt the stupid tears on my cheeks and then I realized I've been bottling up so much stress and anxiety and I've been miserable for so long that it was bound to leak it's way out over my eyelids. It just hit me at a strange time, sitting on a chair in my living room watching a Extra gum commercial.

It seems to me that the years between eighteen and twenty-something are the hardest, psychologically. It's here that we realize this is make or break, we no longer have the excuse of youth, and it's time to become and adult- but we are not ready. I am not ready. I don't know if I will ever be ready.

Lately I'm just heavier than usual… I fell more broken than usual. I don't feel like Cami. I feel like a shell of Cami. I feel like I'm going through the motions of my life. That I am spending so much time trying to find the words instead of just letting the words find me. That I let the misery of my job seep into my soul and destroy my spirit. It drains me, wrecks me, causes me to weep and stumble and wrack my brain over what I should do.

But I know what I should do. I know what I need to do and I know what I have to do. And it's hard. And it's caused me to curl into a ball into myself and really pray, really discern, really focus on Him and trust that He has it all under control. To know that right now I am hurting and that's okay. That right now there are many hardships. But that they are preparing me for something better. They are teaching me a greater lesson.

That right now I have to choose what to keep and what to leave behind.

And as I sit here staring at my empty cup of tea I have decided to choose to make room for all things beautiful, lovely, peaceful, admirable, lovely, and wonderful in my life and in my heart. To choose the things that bring me closer to Jesus.

To let go of the words I cannot find. To let go of the mess and the misery and just let Him work and know that He will provide no matter the situation I am finding myself in.

To find Him every day, in every thing.

To not try to make every one else happy, to remember that He is the author and perfecter of my life. To not be afraid of my truths and my life anymore. To not omit pieces of myself to make others feel comfortable. To stretch out my hand in faith and touch His robes.

He is with me, even through the tears over a gum commercial and the wordless description of what is going on. Because He knows me and the depths of my heart and I find peace in that.


Letting God Move,


HIS and yours,


 Cami