But truth is I am doubtful in a way that would make Thomas cringe. And I am unfaithful to the point where Peter would look away from me and shake his head. I've heard myself speaking things I swore I knew belong to me, but now here I stand questioning them once again.
And right now all I have are shaky hands and one foot on either side of a fence I am too afraid to tear down.
As I pick up the wrappers of chocolate and sour candy that I've been consuming for the past week, I can't help but honestly say this is not what I thought my life would look like at any given moment.
I would have thought I'd be working a job I love or that I would be back in Africa by now. But I'm sitting in my bedroom, surrounded by sour patch kids wrappers wondering how God has ever seen me fit for ministry. Truthfully I don't really want to leave my house or shower, no not just because of heartache, but because honestly I have no idea where to go or what to do. I don't want to run into people to receive the "oh you're hurting look, let me offer you advice and a cookie." I don't want to have to put on a mask of everything is good. Everything is not good. Everything has not been good for a long time.
Gosh, I'm hurting everyday… what makes this hurt any different. Why because it's visible, because it's on this side of the ocean. because it has to do with what every American Dream is about. because it's not about the little girl I fell in love with in Tanzania, but about something I never actually had planned for. I just want to understand… where were these people when I returned home months ago broken and bruised. And how do you explain that to people… how do you show people you're not bitter but just still hurting. how do I explain that I haven't lost faith in Jesus, but in myself. How do I explain that my life is nowhere near what I thought it would be and I am not okay with it. I'm dissatisfied and trying to figure out what to do with that.
How do I stop saying I am fine and be totally honest… face-to-face. So many people want to talk, but honestly I just don't know what to say… and I don't want to talk. I want to go… move… do something, anything. But honestly the hope I had in who I was is a pretty dim light right now.
I have very little confidence, very little motivation, very little drive. It could have to do with unnatural amount of bags of chocolate and sour candy I've consumed. It could be that right now I'm feeling lost and unsure about what to do next. I just feel so naive. so dumb. just so stupid. Just so many unknown variables in this equation of my life and people keep saying you're strong and independent and confident. But I'm not. I'm not.
I have never felt so weak.
And honestly I've been spending most hours of my days looking at pictures of Hollo and Justin and Suzanne and Caren. Of Tanzania, of Kenya, of Uganda. Looking back to the place my heart is and maybe it's why I feel so much pain… because my heart has never fully been here and I have no words for people around me who want to know why I hurt so much. That I have no job, no income, and I feel like I just lost my best friend. Maybe it's that fact that deep down in my soul I know God is doing something but I just can't find enough faith in myself to even wash my hair.
I know where my truth lies. In Him.
I know where my confidence lies. In Him.
I know where my hope lies. In Him.
I know where my faith lies. In Him.
My soul is thirsty for Him in this dry and weary land.
I'm all out of candy and tears. I'm just trying to move forward one painful step at a time.
But that's how this life is supposed to be, it's not suppose to be rainbows all the time… sometimes there are storms. and maybe I just don't want to be a Christian anymore.
because they think they always have an answer for something, a problem to solve, an idea to put into action, a understanding in confusion. And I don't. I honestly don't. And I don't want to be that anymore… I don't want to be a Christian anymore. I just want to believe and love Jesus and do my best to love the people around me.
I don't want to have an answer for everything, because I know I never will. I don't want to solve all the problems, because I know I can't.
I just want to put my hope in Jesus and have faith and know deep down He will lift me up. That He knows where my life is leading and I just need to throw away the candy wrappers, wash my oily hair, put on a jacket and head out the door. I just need to move. to go. to stop looking at pictures and trying to remember memories and to go and make more memories. To love boldly even when it hurts.
A friend once told me, "there is no such thing as wasted love." and I believe her, because the love Jesus has lavished on me is no waste at all, and my responsibility is to lavish His love upon others. Even when I feel like I'm doubting myself, even when I have no faith in me, He does; and that truly makes all the difference.
And He's showing me that I need to learn from the trees. I need to let things go. I need to stop holding on so tightly and let Him carry me. It's a lesson I'm constantly being taught. That I need to let go of all I thought I would be and just find who I am in Him, and everything else will come to be in His timing.
Finding myself in Him,
HIS and yours,
Cami
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