Much is given; Much is asked.

Busy. Busy. Busy.
The first word that comes to my mind when I think of the next two weeks of college until Christmas break. Busy.

I haven't slept in 24 hours and I'm trying to catch a breath, I know really the only way to do that is to sit in the presence of God, it seems though my body does not want to turn off long enough and my mind does not want to stop wandering, wondering about all the things I need to do. I think the hardest part of the mornings is that the minute I wake up my mind starts going. Except for this morning. This morning is different. One because I never went to sleep, but two because I'm up before seven and all of my roommates. I can turn on my music and prop open my Bible and just meditate on the Word and on Him. What a wonderful way to wake up in the morning.

I know that He will help me get through the rest of this day. While I was reading this morning I came across the passage Luke 12:48, it's a interesting and thought provoking passage, especially at 5:30 A.M. but I never read it throughly and applied to who I am. "...From everyone who had been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."

It's interesting to think about. What could possibly be asked of me? What could be given to me? And then when I do sit down and think about. It hits me. Life. this life. these moments to share the gospel, to love Him and spread His love. The chance to sing and dance and pray and shout and love in His name. The chance to further His Kingdom, for His glory. How awesome is that. I get excited just thinking about how much we have been asked of with these lives. But then I realize I've been asked much, but have I even answered this call. Yeah a little volunteering here, a little scripture there... but am I really living out what I have been asked? Are you living out what you have been asked.

Now, not all of us are asked of the same things. We all have a different calling, a different purpose in God's awesome MASTER plan. I think that every single person can be used, can be the hands and feet of Jesus. They only need to be willing. And to understand that they are being given much, and much will be asked. But honestly in the end it is all worth it.

To be everything that I go through on earth for Him and Him alone is all worth is. Whether I go through life peacefully, whether I come to my end of life early or late, whether my life is full of trails, whether I marry, whether I'm single, whether I live in America, whether i live overseas. whether i have food, clothes, water, whether I don't. Any of it no matter what I this society tells me is right, it's nothing compared to when I come to the end of my life and I stand before the Judgement seat of Christ and here him say "well done good and faithful servant." and to dance with my King. Because honestly no matter what I'm doing I want to be doing it for the Kingdom, people desperately need to see Jesus and not just on a third world missions trip, but every single day. Jesus is alway with us, why can't we let Jesus shine through us always?

I know, it's hard, but it's worth it. All the money in the world, all the love in the world it is NOTHING, compared to Jesus. Nothing. We have been given so much and we grab ahold of it and take it and run as far away from the much that is being asked. Without the asking, there is no life, there is no journey, there is no story worth following without direction from Him. The One who guides us all.

Look deep, love deep, walk deep. Dive into the Faith. Look at all that you have been given. Much has been given and now Much is asked. Lift it up to Him. The Almighty, The Creator. Our Beloved.

Blessings in Christ abundant Love,

HIS and yours,

Cami

Flat Tire

My throat is dry and my voice is hoarse. I think it is from screaming at my tire for an hour. Flat tire's are the worst. I'd never gotten a real flat tire before, I mean if you don't count the flat tires when your friend's step on the back of your shoes, but if not then saturday night or early sunday morning at midnight was the first time I got a real flat tire.

I can be honest I was genuinely angry when my tire went flat and I was in a dress and high heels. Luckily I had a change of clothes in my car, but in all honesty the timing of this flat couldn't have been worse. I was angry, I couldn't get a hold of anyone in my family and I was just frustrated. So I yelled and yelled and yelled some more. I had it out with God, it's been a tough semester trying to find myself again, more find myself in Him. I feel as if it is something I go through multiple times. You know that passage in Romans where Paul talks about when he wants to do good evil is right there with him, I feel like I am the epitome of that passage. I constantly want to do good, but I feel like every time I turn around I'm messing up. Messing up school, messing up friendships, messing up relationships, messing up life in general. And I always look at God and ask "Why in the world do you want a sinner like me?"

I just kept thinking as I was sitting in my car literally crying out to God, this is the worst timing ever, why God, why now, why at this moment. But even though it may have been the worse timing for me, He knew it was perfect timing. Because, well His timing always is. He honestly knows me, He knew I needed to be broken... or broken down ;). And God knows I typically need something big to happen to get my attention, because I tend to overlook the little things and signs. So a flat tire was His choice. And as I look at it now, He was just showing me how I have become just like my tire. FLAT.

Like my tire, which got a slow leak in it and then blew to shreds, I have become like that. I slowly let myself become complacent with everything, with my family, with my friends, with my school work, and especially with my Faith. I'm ashamed to admit how often I ignore His voice until the time something blows up. I know I need to learn how to rejoice in Him at all times. Even when I am feeling like I can't hear Him, He is still there.

I'm just one of those strange people who when things are going good it is easy for me to forget to thank God or remember to praise Him for His amazing glory, but when something goes bad I am immediately upset with Him or I remember to pray or yell at Him. And I think that this flat tire was something to show me that I constantly do this. I say I want to be a follower of Christ, I say I want to be a Prayer Warrior, and yet I forget. Yes I'm human, but so was Jesus. Yes Jesus was perfect and I am definitely not even close to that. And yet He holds me to that standard, even though He knows I will fail, He still loves me, even in my failures.

And having a God like that is worth all the flat tires in the world. Because I know what I need to do in my Faith, and that is seek Him even more and deeper. I don't know why I stopped seeking HIm every morning and evening, I make the excuse that I am busy, but God's got a gazillion children on the earth and He still has time for me, so I do not think the busy excuse will cut it anymore. I cannot explain how sorry I am for the person I have been and I know things I have said and actions I have done may not be able to be taken back, but I am sorry to all those people I have hurt in these past four months going through whatever I was going through. To my friends, my family, but most of all to God, because He is the one that know's absolutely everything and still sticks with me. No sorry can fix me, only He can. I know that at any opportunity I have I will share Him, seek Him, love Him. and be Reckless. because this life is fleeting and only what is done for the Kingdom will last. And in all honesty, I don't want to be remembered. I want Him to be glorified. All I can do is pray, seek, love, and go where He calls me. To Walk in his Mercy, His Grace, and Faith. Because only He can satisfy.

Walking in Faith,

HIS and yours,

Cami

It's starting...

It's starting... The weddings, the engagements, the dating. It's crazy to think how fast things have gone, and here I sit twenty-one years old and while people are taking the leap into relationships and making the decision to get married, I'm trying to make the decision to move to Africa. It's a hard decision to make, not that marriage is something to be entered into lightly, because it's not. But when I think of it, it's moving into a new life with a person by your side. My decision to move to another country by myself and live among the people there is something totally different. I mean I know I won't be alone, God will be there.

It's just crazy the drastic difference of my life compared to my friends life. It was amazing talking to my friend tonight and seeing that we both realize it's okay to not be in a relationship, it's okay to not be looking constantly, because neither of us want to settle. Listening to my friend talk about his future and all that's in store really helped me think about my future and what God has in store. Something that I continue to push away, because I don't want to think about the future because I really have no clue what I'm going to do come graduation day.

The thing is that I know God's got someone out there for me. Someone that loves Him more than me. Someone that will talk with me about anything whether it's Jesus, sports, books, music, or work, or whatever. Someone who will travel on a whim to wherever God may be calling us. But right now that guy isn't ready and neither am I. God is still preparing us and although I get impatient I know the right thing to do is wait. Wait for him and wait on HIM.

So I'm just going to place my heart in the hands of God, because I know that He will place it in the hands of a man that He knows deserves it. I'm all in.


HIS and yours,

Cami

Patience to Survive.

I just need to scream.
I'm frustrated and ready to be out of here.
I just need patience to survive this.
God give me patience. Help me to feel that you are here even when I don't think you care.
Please. God. Please.

Heaven Breaks.

It always starts like this,
A harmless and simple thing to fix.
Contagious and spreading quick…
Like cracks in ice,
Wholly claiming our lives
While we sleep.

We’ll pray for Heaven’s floor to break,
Pour the brightest white on blackest space,
Come bleeding gloriously through
The clouds and the blue.
Forcing one place from two,
Killing formulaic views,
Only love proves to be the truth.

When heaven meets the earth,
We will have no use for numbers
To measure who are and what we’re worth.

When Heaven meets the earth,
We will have no need for mirrors
To tell us who to be
And where we fit into this awkward point of view.

When angels meet the earth, may our bodies be light.
When angels meet the earth, may our heavy hearts untie.
When angels meet the earth, may our bodies be light.
May our bodies be light for you.



Really good song. Listen to it.

HIS and yours,
Cami

God is deeper still.

"The God of peace will soon crush satan under your feet." -Romans 16:20
Journal Entry, 12-10-10:
"Sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore. Why am I here, what am I doing here? God, I feel like I have no purpose, no impact whatsoever. Jesus, did you ever feel this way? I feel like I have no one, is this You showing me that You're the only one I can truly depend on. Because God I want to depend on You. I hate this feeling. God why can't you send me someplace else? Show me how to be happy, I feel sad or angry all the time. I just want to feel you deep in my soul, God! I don't want to feel the sting of their words and the burn of their judgmental glances. I just want to be able to turn the other cheek. to let it go. Lord let your spirit fall over me to become a better lover of Christ. Take away the doubt, the sadness, the anger, the loneliness, the impatience, the longing to have an earthly romance. Rip them out of my heart and replace them with Your love. God, I don't want to be Cami, I don't want my life. I am Yours. Mold me. Teach me obedience, discipline, and love. God I want Your fire, I want your river to flow in me and through me to people and to nations. Your grace abounds above all. Rain down. Help me to be forgiving. Teach me how to give without asking for anything in return. God only you know me, only you know what is going on now and what has been. Help me God, keep me from the enemy."

It's interesting to see that 11 months ago the things that I was feeling have returned to me even more intensely. And yet this time around it's different. It's a higher mountain I have came down from and a deeper valley I have fallen into. Never giving myself time to relax and reflect on all that God did this summer and all that He continues to do. I just keep trying to move at warp speed with no regards to the voice of God telling me to slow down. And in the midst of my hectic ways I push God away and think that I can do this on my own, when deep down I know I can't. It has taken a lot of anger, a lot of questioning, a lot of sadness, a lot of pushing people away, and a heck of a lot of tears to learn that I can't survive without Him. It true. It's not some corny line that I'm giving you. He IS my LIFE LINE. no matter what I try to tell myself I am nothing and have nothing without God.

It seems that sometimes I have to go deep to see that God is deeper still. Through everything He is always with me, even when I think He is not, He is. His love for me is invincible, the fire of His love stops at nothing it sweeps everything before it. Flood waters can't drown His love, it cannot wash His love away. His love can't be bought and it can't be sold. It is for me, over me, a part of me for all eternity. The truth is I've just been so mad at Him, so mad. because where I am right now, every part of my flesh tells me to leave. And yet my spirit says No this is where God wants you. And I've been fighting it. Wrestling with it, angry, questions. Why. And it has taken a long time but like Jacob, God's finally busted my hip. No more fighting, no more wrestling. It's time to listen and to act upon what He has told me to do. What He has entrusted me to do.

Depend on Him and Him alone. I find myself putting too much stock into other people instead of God. Not that friendships are a bad thing, but when that's where I put all of my hope into, I just end up getting hurt. It's been the story since my freshman year of high school. I have a horrible problem with making friends with people who don't know how to stay in contact. While I'm the one constantly dropping letters in the mail or little messages in their inbox, or even a phone call. It seems I have very very very few friends that will take the time to sit down and have a conversation with me, to take time out of their busy schedule to call me, to drop me a letter. Heck to just talk about the day would be nice. And I let it get the best of me, because I constantly think I am getting nothing from this. I don't know if that's the right attitude, but I'm human and believe it or not, I do stupid things.

But the cool thing is, that I can lose touch with every friend I've made, and it will probably happen, but I have someone who is always there. He's written a huge book full of Letters to me, He's always there when I call, He cares about my days so much He's planned out every single one up until my last breath. It's so amazing and something I often forget to think about and thank Him for.

Right now I'm on this journey to rediscover the things that really give me joy and where God really wants me and what I am to do with the tasks He has placed in my hand. But to constantly remember that I am not to do them alone or with anyone else but Him. I pray as I am on this journey, that I slowly fade out and that Jesus comes in shining through me. That when people see me they don't actually see me, they see Him. That's all I want, that's all I ask, and that's all I will continue to seek out to accomplish all for the Glory and the Honor of my Heavenly Father.


God is deeper still...


HIS and yours,

Cami

Running, Singing, Talking, Loving On.

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17.

Wow.
After a rough day, God totally blesses me with a wonderful relaxing night with a wonderful beautiful friend.

It's crazy how consumed I've been lately with frustrations and stresses of school and of this world in general. This world frustrates me so much. I frustrate myself so much. I catch myself thinking more highly of me, than of Him, and really who am I? There is nothing I could write, I could say, I could sing to give an adequate description of our Glorious King. He's indescribable. There's nothing I could form, I could bring, that could be added to the majestic splendor of our Glorious King, for He is unchangeable and all I am, at my best, is merely a breath for Him.

He is so magnificent and that at any moment I could pass from this earth and do I really want my last thought to be "Okay God what have you done for me today?" No, definitely not, and I'm ashamed that lately that is a thought that's been going through my head. What has He done or not done for me. Instead of stopping taking time and saying "okay God what can I do for You today?" because that's what more important. I've been told lately that by human nature we crave relationships, I can say that I haven't been the best lately with my relationships. I've been frustrated with friends that I have and the ones that are horrible at keeping in touch or just don't really feel like friends anymore. And I feel I put so much into those relationships that are faded away and I am no receiving anything from them. And the time I am wasting on the friendships or being frustrated I could spend with God. Spend reading His word, praying, singing, loving Him. And yet being the sinful human I am, I am trying to store up my treasure here on this earth, instead of in heaven with Him.

Seriously though, I've thought about it a lot. If I suddenly don't wake up tomorrow, do I want the people around me to say, "Yeah she was just a girl I knew, nice, lots of friends, but that's about it." or do I want them to say. "Yeah she had few friends, but Man did she Love and Reflect Jesus." um.., I'll choose the Second one Regis, Final ANSWER. Who cares how much money, clothes, friends, and so on I have on this earth. Nothing compares to working for God's Kingdom cause His love, this prize, this race is eternal. But I really need to work on my running.

Whatever I bind on earth will be loosed in Heaven, whatever I lose on earth will be bound in heaven. I don't want to leave this earth knowing that when I get to that gate, I won't hear the words I long to hear from Him "Well done good and faithful servant." I desire deep in my heart to hear those words when I reach Heaven. But to hear those words takes sacrifice, to let go of the things I so desperately want to hang onto on this earth. It's a constant battle between spirit and flesh, and I'm ashamed to admit that more than I would like it to, my flesh overtakes my spirit. And that has to do with a poor battling spirit on my part. For not training for this race, for thinking that I can constantly do it on my own. Because I can't, and I don't have to.

God is like the ultimate coach, and the Bible is like the ultimate guideline, teaching me how to run the biggest Marathon of Life. To realize that I can't run this race without Him. I need a coach right there in front of my guiding me and teaching me. Filling me with water when I thirst and a banana when the cramps and pains start to hit me from running for so long. But Paul says we must keep running, striving for the prize that is so much bigger than anything on this world. To loosen the chains that the world has us in and realize that God's way, God's will, God period, is just so AWESOME.

Giving up those things are hard, and it's taken me on a hard path, but without the trials and without the testing how can we learn to persevere, to feel the awesomeness of the end of the race and knowing that we did everything that our Coach told us to do, that we won, not by default, but because we were trained by The ALMIGHTY. Until the time He calls me home, I will keep running, keep praising, keep singing, even though there are no words that are not His, i will bring everything I have before Him, so He can take me and make me more like His Son. May He take all those things that keep me from a deeper love and may I let go without regret because what He has is so much better!

"At that time I will gather you; at that time i will bring you home. I will give you honor and praise among all the peoples of the earth when I restore your fortunes before your very eyes." -Zephaniah 3:20.


In Christ



HIS and yours,



Cami