Flat Tire

My throat is dry and my voice is hoarse. I think it is from screaming at my tire for an hour. Flat tire's are the worst. I'd never gotten a real flat tire before, I mean if you don't count the flat tires when your friend's step on the back of your shoes, but if not then saturday night or early sunday morning at midnight was the first time I got a real flat tire.

I can be honest I was genuinely angry when my tire went flat and I was in a dress and high heels. Luckily I had a change of clothes in my car, but in all honesty the timing of this flat couldn't have been worse. I was angry, I couldn't get a hold of anyone in my family and I was just frustrated. So I yelled and yelled and yelled some more. I had it out with God, it's been a tough semester trying to find myself again, more find myself in Him. I feel as if it is something I go through multiple times. You know that passage in Romans where Paul talks about when he wants to do good evil is right there with him, I feel like I am the epitome of that passage. I constantly want to do good, but I feel like every time I turn around I'm messing up. Messing up school, messing up friendships, messing up relationships, messing up life in general. And I always look at God and ask "Why in the world do you want a sinner like me?"

I just kept thinking as I was sitting in my car literally crying out to God, this is the worst timing ever, why God, why now, why at this moment. But even though it may have been the worse timing for me, He knew it was perfect timing. Because, well His timing always is. He honestly knows me, He knew I needed to be broken... or broken down ;). And God knows I typically need something big to happen to get my attention, because I tend to overlook the little things and signs. So a flat tire was His choice. And as I look at it now, He was just showing me how I have become just like my tire. FLAT.

Like my tire, which got a slow leak in it and then blew to shreds, I have become like that. I slowly let myself become complacent with everything, with my family, with my friends, with my school work, and especially with my Faith. I'm ashamed to admit how often I ignore His voice until the time something blows up. I know I need to learn how to rejoice in Him at all times. Even when I am feeling like I can't hear Him, He is still there.

I'm just one of those strange people who when things are going good it is easy for me to forget to thank God or remember to praise Him for His amazing glory, but when something goes bad I am immediately upset with Him or I remember to pray or yell at Him. And I think that this flat tire was something to show me that I constantly do this. I say I want to be a follower of Christ, I say I want to be a Prayer Warrior, and yet I forget. Yes I'm human, but so was Jesus. Yes Jesus was perfect and I am definitely not even close to that. And yet He holds me to that standard, even though He knows I will fail, He still loves me, even in my failures.

And having a God like that is worth all the flat tires in the world. Because I know what I need to do in my Faith, and that is seek Him even more and deeper. I don't know why I stopped seeking HIm every morning and evening, I make the excuse that I am busy, but God's got a gazillion children on the earth and He still has time for me, so I do not think the busy excuse will cut it anymore. I cannot explain how sorry I am for the person I have been and I know things I have said and actions I have done may not be able to be taken back, but I am sorry to all those people I have hurt in these past four months going through whatever I was going through. To my friends, my family, but most of all to God, because He is the one that know's absolutely everything and still sticks with me. No sorry can fix me, only He can. I know that at any opportunity I have I will share Him, seek Him, love Him. and be Reckless. because this life is fleeting and only what is done for the Kingdom will last. And in all honesty, I don't want to be remembered. I want Him to be glorified. All I can do is pray, seek, love, and go where He calls me. To Walk in his Mercy, His Grace, and Faith. Because only He can satisfy.

Walking in Faith,

HIS and yours,

Cami