Thursday, September 20, 2012

As the Leaves Change, so do I

This entire summer has been a whirlwind, I have no idea where the time has gone and words cannot even begin to describe the emotional roller coaster I have been on, but through it all. Through happiness, sadness, frustration, laughter, tears, God has been faithful and continues to be.

A lot of change has taken place these past four months. Not only in the beauty of the fall leaves gracing the trees, but in the beauty of God's love and faithfulness gracing my heart.

I can say I didn't realize the amount of change until I made my way back to Northwestern. A trip I had been looking forward to for a long time, to see my friends, the people I love dearly, and who hold a piece of my heart. But upon arriving I felt scattered and out of place. I felt like I was in everyone's way, people trying to do homework, or hang out with their friends that were still in school. I felt like I was just a burden. And I realized that life keeps moving even when I'm not around. Leaves continue to fall even when I do not want them to. Tears were normal, unexpected news and heartache were themes of the weekend. And I left that place feeling more changed than when I arrived.

Seeing my old friends was tough, especially realizing that it may be the last time I ever see them again. I was so upset with myself, because I went there with a mindset of everything I wanted to tell every single person that I saw. What they meant to me, how they have impacted me. But I failed. I never told anyone, anything and I regret that. I regret not sharing my heart and I do not know if I will ever get the opportunity again.

And yet a big part of me was relieved that I didn't share my heart. Because deep down I know that there are certain things I had to tell certain people that would have change the course of our friendship, and in leaving for Tanzania in 9 months, I didn't want to ruin a friendship, so I left it alone. But in doing so God taught me more about change. More about who I am.

I kept looking at these people I love; My roommate in South Dakota, my friends at Northwestern, The girls I spent Labor Day weekend with, my family, all those who have taken the time to call me, to talk to me, to visit me, to pray with me. I looked at them and then to God and said "I am leaving all to follow you, I am leaving ALL to follow you, God." Everything I know, everyone I love, I am leaving behind. And then I read this; "I tell you the truth, no one who had left home or wife, or brothers, or parents, or children for the sake of the Kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and in the age to come of eternal life" -Luke 18:29-30.

Then it hit me. I have to leave all. I have to go forward. I must move on. Not forget, but move on. Because the leaves cannot change again, without first leaving the branch. And I have realized that I must leave this branch of my life, my home and family and friends. Because with it as I fall, I will rise with Christ and just like the spring, breath new life.

It's been a struggle to say goodbye and to realize that I may return home with fewer friends, but it's been a blessing to know that I will leave and return with the same God, always and forever, because He is my eternal vine. In two short weeks I will leave Iowa to embark on the journey of my life. I don't know where it will take me exactly and what is to come, but I know I am safe in the arms of God. I know that whatever happens, with me and with friends and with family. That God has provided this far, that He has made a way for me to go to Tanzania for 9 months, and that if this wasn't where my life was headed, he would have shut the door. But the door is still there, standing wide open and I must walk through. This door is not for anyone else but me. More and more I am becoming okay with that. More and more I know that the only way to live my life is to leave all and follow Him.

So I may have left many things unsaid, I may be frustrated with the things I didn't do. But right now all I can do is move forward. Move on and remember and continue to love those I am leaving. It's hard and painful, but it is my calling, it is my life. And if I were to abandon this call, if I were to abandon my God, than my life would have no meaning, because the only meaning there is, is to leave all and follow HIM.



Na Mungu Pendo (With God's Love),


HIS and yours,

   Cami



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