I don't know why, sitting here on my small couch in my apartment I had a need to write this. Maybe it's because I'm extremely tired and sick. Maybe it's because I don't want to write my philosophy paper. Or maybe it's because I'm surrounded my the constant nudging and questions about marriage and relationships and singleness. It's not easy being at a Christian College, where it seems, especially now that the weather is nice, couples are everywhere. Where it seems everyone has someone to "go on a walk with" or "go out to coffee" or the things that couples do.
These thoughts came into my mind last night, while I was spending time with some friends around a bonfire. Questions arise asking about people we've dated or kissed or so on. Now I'm not ashamed of my past and I am an open book, I will share willingly, because I have nothing to hide. Everything I have been through God has used to shape me into the person I am today.
I have had one boyfriend in my 21 years of life. I have kissed one person in my 21 years of life. These were one in the same, we dated in high school, we were young and immature. But I wouldn't trade those days for anything. He is a wonderful man, a smart guy, and a great friend. But people grow up and change and go separate ways, and God used that one relationship in my life to show me what it means to be single.
I remember coming into college, this Christian College thinking. "they aren't going to like me, they aren't going to find me pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough." They meaning the guys on this college campus. Oh, how immature I was. looking back on those days, I wonder how I ever survived the days. But God has pulled me through many obstacles, most I have put in my own way.
I learned my freshman year of college that my value and worth is not in what man thinks of me. It's quite the opposite.
If I let any man speak for my value with his actions – I’ll let it be Jesus.
When I discovered this the spring semester of my freshman year, my heart was changed. I gave up on the makeup and the dressy clothes, trying to make myself appear better to man. Suddenly I wasn't layering on the eyeliner and caking on the foundation to cover up my face. My face looked bright and new every morning. I washed off the makeup and the cynical disbelieving heart.
Replaced by the joy and the love of the Lord. Learning that this life I have doesn't need to be wasted on writing letters to my future husband, or trying to get approval or earn value from man. But this single life i have is time for me and God. time to figure out who I am. my likes, dislikes, passion, desires. MY LIFE is GODS.
And now looking back four years later I can say I've never regretted my decision to toss the dating scene over my shoulder. There were always crushes and people I liked, but none of the compared to the love I had and still have for Jesus. See the time that I so foolishly wasted on trying to be someone's girlfriend has now become my favorite time to spend with Jesus and following is call for my life. Me and God, what could be better.
He is a jealous God, He wants us for Himself. He is calling us to Him. He had been calling and calling me, and four years ago I abandon what I thought I knew and decided to cling to Him. To let go of the ideals, to stop worrying about the number aka how many people like ME. And began to worry about how many people saw HIM in me. rather than ME in ME.
If I would have stayed lost in those ideals, I would have never discovered my love for kids. My love for God's people. My love for writing. My love for photography. My love for serving. My love for HIM. I would have missed out on all of the gifts and all the opportunities I have seen. You see the way we serve the Kingdom as individuals is much different than the way we serve the Kingdom with someone else.
It is crazy to look back to only four years ago and see how much God has changed and impacted my life. To be able to say I will graduate college with a BA in Cultural Studies, never having a boyfriend, never having a prospect, and not knowing what will happen afterwards. I am proud of that. To know that after college I will leave this country, travel 8000 miles across the ocean and follow God's call, walk Jesus's path. Something I could never do if I were not single. Something I could never do if it weren't for Jesus.
I'm not worried about the future, because I know it's in God's hands. and I know someday i will stumble into love, all in His perfect timing. but right now and for the rest of my life, no matter what happens. HIS love is and will always be ENOUGH.
In HIS LOVE,
HIS and yours,
Cami
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