As I sit in the chair in the living room of my house drinking tea at 2:00 in the morning on Christmas Eve Day, I'm beginning to realize that this life, it has always bee about JESUS, not me. It has always been about what He has done and will do- not about what I can do to change myself, my life, or others. No, because I can't. The only thing I can do is surrender myself to Him, everyday, and let Him do His wonderful work in me, my life, and the people around me. Only Jesus can turn this person into a living image, and proof of His power, love, and grace.
Last night I was up reading through my journal from Uganda. It is crazy to think that that was almost five months ago, it feels years away from me and yet like it was just yesterday. In one of the entries There is quote from a man named Larry Tomczak that says this; "You are the only one being in the universe that can cause defeat in your life. Wholeheartedly decide by the grace of God and the power of His Holy Spirit, to please God. All demons in and out of hell, all the people in the world, all your apparent weaknesses, short comings, inadequacies, adverse circumstances and unfavorable surroundings cannot prevent you from having glorious victory! You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you!" When I read this last night, I felt like I had been punched in the chest and I started crying. Is it crazy to think that God knew me writing this down on July 22nd of this past summer would need this quote more than ever on four months later on December 23rd. Most likely He knew, and He knew what I was going to go through and what I've been through. That I haven't been me since returning home and to school. That I don't feel like me, the radical me. I've noticed, others have noticed I'm sure. I'm hardly reading the Word anymore, I'm more likely to do stupid things, and I hardly ever speak about God the way I used to.
I can pretend to be okay up in my bubble at school, but people see, they know, they don't ask, but they know. Nobody REALLY wants to talk about feelings. Which is okay, because I don't want to talk. I'm much better at writing things down, my mouth doesn't get in the way. But when I come home, I feel it even more so, things are different, I am different. I am defeating myself in this walk of faith. and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't struggling, there is no way a person can be a Christian and not struggle, not stumble. They can have the best outward appearance and say all the right things, but only they know what is going on inside. Only them and God.
Words cannot express the apologies I have to offer to people for the person I returned as. I returned changed for the better, when I stepped off that plane from Uganda back onto the Iowa soil, but being silence by the enemy the moment I got into my mothers car, I felt defeated. And that feeling never went away. Because I felt like I had no outlet, nothing important to share, everyone else lives moved on while I was overseas, everyone else had their own stories, their own summers. And mine was just another nonchalant answer to an uncaring question. But I do apologize. They may not read this, or may not know, but I know and God knows and I am sorry, I know my word probably doesn't mean very much to anyone after things I said and did. But those apologies go unanswered if I don't apologize and ask for forgiveness to the One who I've hurt the most. Every moment I've turned my back and let the enemy silence me, I've hammered those nails in deeper, I've dug myself deeper into a pit. And that pit, no counselor, no friend, not even family could help me out of. Only God could get me out of that. Corrie Ten Boon put's it perfectly "There is no pit so deep, that God's love is not deeper still."
So what to do, but to remember what God has done, is doing and will do. Tis' the season to celebrate the life of the Savior, the One who sacrificed everything so that I could be here in this moment, alive, and in love with Him and only Him. To realize that I need to return to Him and only Him. To not put my hope or faith in man, but in the Son of Man. to go back to the joy of my heart where I find reassurance, to go back to writing love letters, to singing love songs deep from my heart. To not caring what people think about the fact that I love this Man, this Jesus. to remember that He has forgiven me and to know that He washes me clean as snow and as He forgives me, I must forgive myself. His grace abounds over so many things. And that is not only the magic of this season, but everyday I wake up with a chance to choose to live my life for Him. To remember His presence, His glory, His honor, His strength and power. The only one that I will have for ETERNITY.
"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." -Psalm 73: 25-26.
In the Love of our RISEN LORD,
HIS and yours,
Cami
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