...And I'm missing them.

And I guess I'm missing them. Sometimes the missing is small an unnoticeable, and sometimes the missing is so big that my heart begins to tremble and shake in a violent type of storm that threatens to shed tears because the ache of missing is so terrible. Right now I miss them terribly.

I don't know what it is. I miss the feel of their Ebony skin against my Ivory. I miss their big smiles during times of games and laughter. I miss the small hand that would slip into mine in a tight grasp. I miss the words spoken that I couldn't understand. I miss the dirt constantly covering my feet, and the water never being warm. I miss my family there and singing with the girls in the kitchen. I miss seeing Jesus in every person, in every widow, in every child. I miss who I was there. I miss the fact that I am changing and growing and a big part of me is missing because it is there. And the only thing I do is give it to Him and trust and know that He is taking care of them, just as He is taking care of me. it's just hard. So tonight I reminisce.


Journal Entries:

11/1/2012

I inhale, breathing deep the smells that surround me. Dirt and fields, and the smell of too many bodies pushed together flood my senses. To my right, the only other white person in the crowd of 25 scrunched together in the DalaDala. To my left and elderly man; smaller than my nephew, and he smells of baby powder. An on my lap sits a school-aged girl,  I do not know. I breathe in again wanting to remember this forever and let the sense fill my nose. This is Africa. This is Tanzania.

11/2/2012

We pass by a sign "a billion reasons to believe in Africa." a billion things I think, seeing a young boy digging through garbage and holding up a bottle someone has carelessly tossed away. One man's trash is a child's treasure. The dirt sticks to my sandaled feet, giving the appearance that my skin is darker than it actually is. I wipe it away, but realize my feet will never be clean. This is Africa. This is Tanzania.

11/3/2012

I watch as she rolls the dough around in the metal bowl with her strong hands. A simple task I would do at home with a machine, takes almost an hour by hand. We simplify everything with machines. I help roll the dough into balls. It sticks to my fingers and Mama and Mary laugh at how slow I am. The whole process takes 3 house. 3 hours just to cook one things. The coals are hot at my feet and the oil pops and burns my skin. It's just another day for them but an experience for me. Making Chipati. This is Africa. This is Tanzania.

11/6/2012

I walk the edge of the road looking for the DalaDala stop. 5 men come up to me, one is tall and friendly looking, the others short, one wears a colored stocking cap. They are shouting town names at me and other words in Swahili. "Tunaenda Kisesa" I say. One man grips my arm tight and pulls me toward a bus. "Kisesa" he says with a sly smirk on his face. The tall man from before grabs my hand and steps between me and the fox-faced man. "NO, not Kisesa" in broken English this man has helped me. Has kept me safe. Even though we're strangers. This is Africa. This is Tanzania. 


I get this strange feeling when I'm about to leave a place. It's like I know I'll not only miss the people I love but I'll miss the person I am now because I'll never be this way again.



Remembering,


 His and yours,

   Cami

In my rush I find regret...

Look to the left. You see that face. That's my face, a face that looks happy but if you look deep enough you can see it. But only if you look deep enough, and only if I let my guard down long enough to let you see it. But it's there, I feel it every day, God know's exactly what it is and it's something that in my life I struggle with. Every. Single. Day. I feel it. I see it. I live it. I regret it. Regret.

And right now I feel like I need to cut open my heart and let the words bleed onto the pages and just be raw. To anyone who is reading this, to anyone who knows me or doesn't I have real heartache in this area of my life. It goes deep, deeper than I ever imagined. It goes beyond my decision to drink and get tipsy last night. It goes beyond my decision to never reveal my real feelings to that one person. It goes beyond my decision to try to rush back into life without knowing where I am going. It's a deep conviction one that I struggle to let go of. I regret the silliest of things. Sometimes it's as dumb as choosing orange juice when I wanted chocolate milk. It's hard to explain and at times if I tell people I regret certain things I do or choose, I get that look that says, "You're such a prude, you can never let loose and have fun." But at what cost to me is this?

Pain. Deep Convicting Pain. and Judgment. I judge myself hard. And it's hard to explain to people why I do this. I rush to fit in, I rush to try and avoid those looks and those comments and in my rushing I find regret. I find I forget who I am and who I was made to be. And I find that my fear and my regret is keeping me trapped in place. God is calling me to let go of those things. To leave the regret and fear at His feet, because right now they are eating away at me. They are rotting my soul and I can't breathe through this pain.

In my rush to forget my sadness of missing a place where my heart iss, I jumped into the culture of life back home. Now I am not judging any of these people. I am not judging a SINGLE person who lives this lifestyle. And typically when a person says this they are, but I guess if you know me than you'll know if I am truly being honest. But for me this night life of going out and being care free and inviting guys to hit on me and drinking a little to much and calling someone at 2 am and saying things I would never say... well it's just not for me. But last night I rushed into it. And today the regret as literally swallowed me whole.

But it's not just this time. This moment of regret laid down the track in my mind to think about all the other things that I have regret about and then before I knew it i was laying on my couch wishing that I could just tear out my heart and stomp on it for being so stupid sometimes. I wanted to tear off my flesh and burn it because than maybe my spirit would finally be stronger. But the truth is, I blocked out the One voice who believes that my life is nothing to regret.

As I sat in a car last night and all the people around me were sleeping, I stared out at the rain rolling down the window and had this moment when I saw my reflection in the window. this moment where I didn't know who the heck I was anymore. It's so hard for me to express these things to people and to make them understand, but there is something in me that causes me to believe that I am worthless, that I do stupid things and that regret builds and builds up until it swallows me whole.

regret of never putting my full self into school.
regret of never saying sorry first.
regret of letting jealously and anger ruin friendships.
regret of never telling that person I had feelings for him.
regret of letting people walk away when I should hold onto them.
regret of holding on to people when I should let them go.
regret of not telling my family I love them enough.
regret of living my life so carelessly while others who have nothing live fuller than me.
regret.regret.regret. that word is a burn on my hand, a thorn in my side, an ache in my skull. It's there and I feel it, but I just can't get rid of it.

I know that people are going to tell me. You're allowed to have fun, you're 22 years old. go out, enjoy yourself. and i do and I will. But the fun that I want, the joy I get, is not in a bottle of alcohol, not in a fancy dress and boots, not in a guy asking me for my number. My joy is found in the the face of that little girl. In the hands of the widow. In the kitchen of the family who is teaching me how to cook. In the arms of Jesus. And in my rush to make sure I wasn't being seen as a prude or a loser, I let go of the arms that held me out of the pool of regret and began to drown. The truth is I want my life to appear neat and orderly. Like I have it all together. and the problem with that is, is that when I make a mistake or do something that seems "out of character" I feel like i have to try and try to save face. and I shouldn't have to. God is my only judge, and I tend to forget that. I need to remember that the way Jesus has wrecked my life is the way it supposed to be. Nothing else should be wrecking this life I have. Because Jesus' wreck is beauty wrapped up in so much love. and the world's wreck is beauty wrapped up in so much pain.

No we are not called to be safe. And sometimes we will make stupid decision, sometimes we will feel regret. but we are promised that when we are in danger, when we are in these moments, that God is right there with us. And there is no better place to be than in His arms. I read somewhere that "to the degree that God will use you for His glory, the devil to the same degree will attempt to destroy you." And looking at the past three weeks since I have return home from Africa, I can say I have been living in this quote. All through Africa I felt peace and joy in every moment and in coming home I felt peace and joy in all of those steps. And then arriving home, the enemy as pounced and attacked and my footing as slipped and in many moments, today especially I feel myself hanging on to the edge with my fingers turning white crying out to God to save me. And the enemy is there standing over me stepping on my fingers screaming in my face "He's not going to help you, but I can help you. Here take this drink it will make you forget that little girl you cried over last night. Everyone else is doing it, they'll think you're a prude do it. Do it Cami. DO IT." and so I did. and my finger slipped more and I looked up into the fiery eyes of the enemy last night and asked why? why? "Because you are worth nothing to these people. they find enjoyment in your stupidity, don't you feel cool they are all laughing at you because you can't control what you are saying?"

Tears pooled in my eyes and I cried myself to sleep, hanging onto the cliff, my fingers white and filled with pain. And just when I thought I couldn't let hang on anymore, just when the enemy's foot was drawing blood from my finger. He was there, my Jesus. He pulled me from that edge and sat me on His lap and held me in His arms. He didn't tell me all I did wrong, He didn't scold me. He held me and dried my tears. And then when my tears were dried and my breathing steady He spoke. Gently right into my heart, right into the depths. "Cameron, you are WORTH more than you give yourself credit for. Your life to me is precious, your heart to me is precious. My plan for you is more than what you allow yourself to see. Let go of regret, let go of the fear, and let go of the rush to fit in. You don't fit in. I didn't make you to fit in. They cannot judge you, they cannot hurt you. I am with you. Do not be afraid of those who can kill the body, but cannot kill the soul. Don't let go of me. Never let go of me. Because Cameron, I have never and will never let go of you."

This is my heart. This is the depths of my pain. This is raw and this is me. I make mistakes, I do stupid things. And yet my God gives me grace. He forgives me. People may not, people may judge me for the stupid things I do, people may think that I am not worthy of the calling. That I have done this missions work and then I turn around and drink. But what this moment has taught me is. I don't care what those people think. They cannot judge me. And I will not let the regret of that moment and my past moments hold me down and drown me. I make mistakes. I am human. and God loves me. and that is enough for me.

In my journal from Tanzania on November 29th 2012 I wrote "God's grace runs far and deep and wide that you can never escape it." That day I was going through pain and God covered me in his love and grace. And yesterday/today I was going through pain and God again covered me in His love and grace. His love never fails. Never gives up. Never runs out on me. I'll pour my heart out on this, because I want people to see that God loves the worst of these. that God is mighty and forgiving and that in my mistakes He makes me grow, makes me learn and teaches me more about Himself. Yeah the regret is still there, but God and I are working on that. I'm learning, and God knows, I am a slow learner. But He is the best teacher.

 
  Sitting in His arms, Learning His love, and letting go of regret,


 HIS and yours,

    Cami

"No, in all these things we are MORE THAN CONQUERERS through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angles nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:37-38.

Thoughts from the Airport

Journal Entry 1-17-2013

Trash is burning in the distance
I can smell it through my nose
I wonder how many people are out there starving
As I sit here staring at my toes
I can't help but wonder if the girl in my Sunday School class will ever really dance
And if that little boy on the side of the road will ever have a chance
I wonder how many of my neighbors are hungry tonight
And if the warriors in the North are dying from the fights
And there is only so much wondering I can do
But I also know that there is hope
Because the God that hold me in HIS hands
Hold all of them there too
And though I wonder if they will ever rise above
I know in my heart they are covered by HIS love
So in fact I don't really need to wonder
But just trust and know that God will hold and be with them
Over, in, and under.

I never thought I would be sitting in an airport, let alone be on my way home right now. I sit here look at God asking what is next? Did I make the right decision leaving the field early? I feel at peace about it and I know it is time now to take a good hard look at my life and ask God what He expects of me and what He has planned for me. To WAIT on Him and not jump into the water to fast. But listen to His voice and trust His guidance and maybe instead of sinking, just maybe I will walk on the water beside Him. It's all I can hope for.

As I watch people wander in the airport, I wonder if any of them are thinking of the things they left behind. like Hollo, the little girl I cradled in my arms, who was covered in ringworm and sores. or Susie, the young 8 year old who cannot communicate well, will she ever learn to interact with people? Or Justin, will he and his mother ever heal from the loss of his father to AIDS and the 4 other children he left behind. Or Mama Susanna, will her hope ever be restored or will she always live in a hopeless state? Mama Ruth, who always called me her daughter, even though she was old enough to be my great grandmother, and so closed to death... is she still alive? and if not who will take care of her grandchildren who have already faced the death of both parents and siblings to AIDS? What about Arhba, will she ever overcome her disease and learn how to talk, write, and read? Or Abudo's son, will his face and body heal after being hit by that piki? Or all the young girls who have to face a knife or thorn in order to become a women. The stories and their faces are engraved on my heart and in my mind.

They are no longer a random face I see on a TV commercial or a story I read about in a book. They are real. I've sat next to them, held them in my arms and loved them. They are a part of me. And I wonder about all these wanderers in the airport, what are they leaving behind. Are they leaving peaces of their heart like me? I don't know for sure, but I do know the one things I have that many here don't. That even though I am leaving, I have faith and know there will always be Someone there taking care of all of them. And I praise Jesus for that.




Rummaging through my thoughts,




 HIS and yours,

   Cami

A glimpse in my journal

Entry 1/2/2013

I share the house with two girls...
I share the shower with the cockroaches...
I share the toilet with the flies...
I share the bed with the spiders...
I share the food with the dogs...
I share the money with the needy...
I share the clothes with the naked...
I share my heart with these people...
And in the end I will give it all away.
But I will always have Jesus...
And HIM...
I share HIM too!!

Tears, Struggles, and the Calling.

"Christ has no body on earth but yours, no hands but yours, no feet but yours. Yours are the eyes through which Christ's compassion for the world is to look out; yours are the feet with which He is to go about doing good; and yours are the hands which He is to bless with now" -St. Teresa of Avila

Some days are more difficult than others, I think we can all agree on that. Some days you wake up and think to yourself what am I doing, why am I here. God is this really what you have for me. And then there are days you wake up and are filled with some weird sense of peace and excitement about what God has you doing. Yesterday was not one of those days. Yesterday was hard.

There are many things I struggle with since coming to the missions field. Personality clashes, physically sickness. spiritual weakness. major homesickness and so on. Yesterday I had homesickness and it was bad. I woke up with an intense longing to be somewhere familiar, with the people who deeply love me and understand me and I don't have to explain myself to. I woke up with an intense longing to be comfortable to be able to walk down the hall and plop on my sisters bed. To walk down the stairs and have coffee with my mom and dad. I woke up with that intense longing. I woke up with tears in my eyes and I cried most of the morning. Cried because I miss them, cried because I don't know how to handle it otherwise. Cried because I'm realizing that the most important thing to me is my family and Christ is asking me to put Him before them and I struggle everyday to do that, because I love my family with all my heart. I would lay down my life for them. But God is asking me to love Him with all my heart, to love Him more, to lay down my life for Him. and it's hard.

I struggle to understand what God expects of me. Even being here on the missions field. I struggle to understand what He expects and has called me to do. It's harder to understand when the aching for familiar clouds out His voice. To even be Christians, we must first believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. That in itself is no small idea. So we believe. But God expects more. Much more than church attendance, more than prayer too. More than belief, and even more than self-denial. God asks us for everything. He requires a total life commitment from those who would be His followers. The life-commitment is something I struggle with, every single day. It would be easy to turn my back on God, to throw a temper tantrum and tell Him to take me home from Africa. It would be easy to find a reason to go home but as Rachel, the missionary I am working with said to me "Everyday I ask myself am I willing to accept what God has for me or am I going to be angry and bitter about it?" 

That question hit me hard. Am I willing to accept what God has for me? Yesterday I didn't. Yesterday I through a temper tantrum, yesterday I just wanted to go home. But today is a new day. Today I can choose to accept what God has for me. That is the beauty of my God, that He gives me a choice and another day to make that choice. And through my attitude yesterday I saw that I must accept what God has for me, because what He has is much better than what I want. He is calling me to be a carrier of the gospel, not to live out my faith privately but to shout it from rooftops. To love Him and His people recklessly, why would I choose not to accept that?

Yes some days are going to be hard. Some days I will miss my family and my mom's eggs and pancakes. I'll miss sitting on my sisters bed laughing about nothing, I'll miss my brother's stupid jokes, I'll miss watching pixar movies with my older sister and her kids. I'll miss my dad snoring in his chair. I'll miss my dogs pouncing me as I walk through the door. I'll miss just calling up Kelsey and talking with her. I'll miss those things and more, but here is where I need to be. Here is where GOD is calling me. Here is where I need to be. I am human and I will not tell you that everything is great, everyday is a struggle and everyday is a choice. Someday I will wake up with tears in my eyes and somedays I will wake up with peace. It's all in how I approach each day, approaching with GOD and never ever without HIM. How will you approach today?

  Struggling,

    HIS and yours,

     Cami

Driving through Sand dunes

The other day we went driving through sand dunes. Sand dunes are beautiful things, and these particular dunes out in the desert looked peaceful and beautiful covered in trees and different types of desert plants. But once we began driving over these dunes the peacefulness that was there was replaced by holes that we couldn't see in the beginning and rough roads and bumps and potholes that caused my butt to leave the seat on more than one occasion. I'm sure there is a permanent place for my head in the roof of the car. And so I've come to the conclusion that life is driving through sand dunes. 

I know it sounds strange, but just hear me out for a second. Life is like driving sand dunes, I looked out into the vastness of the desert and out past these dunes to the mountain we were headed for and thought, this looks like an easy ride, a peaceful ride even, the dust and the wind of the desert blowing through the Land Rover, no problem. And then we began to drive over these sand dunes and I began to see uneven roads that I couldn't see before, holes that a tire could easily get stuck in, so many different path to choose from. And as I flew in the seat and a bruise began to form on my hand and arm from holding onto the safety handle I couldn't believe I thought that this was going to be an easy ride.

Such is with life. At least for me. I look out into the vastness that is my life and think this is a nice path, and easy, peaceful one even and I begin to walk with no idea what I'm headed into because I let myself believe it will be easy. And then I hit that first pothole, that uneven road and I feel like I'm flying through the air with no control, I look at all the paths that are laid out in front of me and I am at a loss constantly on which way to go. I thought it was going to be a peaceful way, the wind blowing through my hair, no problem. But this is wrong, because the way I want to walk, the way I am suppose to go is not supposed to be easy. It is a narrow road that many will follow and few will find. and the many will believe it's easy, but the few will see the difficulty and trust in Christ to bring them through it.

  It is the potholes of life that strengthen and refine us. I mean the potholes in the road made me strengthen muscles I didn't even know I had. These tough moments in the roads ahead are there to make us tougher, make us trust in the Lord, make us follow the way that is narrow. Without these potholes and uneven roads in our journey on the sand dunes I would have nothing to add to my adventure, nothing to come back and say this is how high we flew over the bump, this is how fast we were going when we skidded through the sand. The laughter that came after flying through the air and my butt leaving the seat made the journey that much better.

So it goes with the adventures of life. These potholes make life hard, but Christ makes life livable. No life does not get easy or simple when we decide to follow Christ. The path is narrower and difficult, but these difficulties, these potholes is what makes the adventure with Christ worthwhile. It's what makes me wake up in the morning ready to tackle each day with HIM. Because when I look back, I don't remember the easy days as much as I remember the days I struggled through.

My journey so far here in Africa has felt like it has been filled with potholes. I'm not ashamed to admit that there are many days I wake up thinking "God just take me home to my family, to my friends, to my comforts, I don't want to be here." I sound like a stubborn child. And I struggle with the realities of my calling, everyday. Because it is here I realize, that how much I thought I depended on God was nothing at all. It is here I realize how weak and helpless I am, and how much I cannot do by myself. It is here I see Christ in HIS most distressing disguise. It is here that I find myself, who I truly am, stubbornness and all. It is here that I realize there is more to life than what new movie has come out or who's engaged to who. There is more to life than these things, when my neighbor is literally starving, when one of my new friend's father just died, when the blind man has to walk alone over lava rocks and thorns, because there is no one to guide him and no cars available. There is more to life than me. This life is more and I look at how I have lived and who I am and see that I have not been doing more I have not been living more. It is here I see that I have not served, I have not loved, I have not been Christ. And I struggle with it, wake up crying about it, stress over it, my heart aches over it. 

I am called to be His hands and feet, but I have only been my own. The minute I start over that sand dune of life and see a pothole I try to go around it. The minute I see a person standing on the side of the road begging for a drink of water, I want to drive past them. The potholes of life I want to go around, but I'm not suppose to, I'm suppose to go through them, it's why they are there. I'm suppose to go to these people, Christ is calling me to them and it is time I stop trying to go around them. It is here I see what kind of servant I really am, that many times I serve out of convenience rather than from the depths of my heart. But this is going to change, as I lean on Christ and let HIM drive over these dunes of life, I know that these potholes, though difficult, with be easier to manage. Because at the end of the day Christ has overcome the world, so I know HE can overcome a pothole!

  Driving over sand dunes,

    HIS and yours,

    Cami 

Small Moments with a Great God

"For godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and we can take nothing out of it." -1 Timothy 6:6-7.

  Two months! I can't believe it's already been two months that I have been here in Africa. And though it has been 2 months a part of me feels as if I've hardly done anything. That I've hardly served, hardly given anything. There are times I sit here and say "God have I done enough? have I given enough?" and than I hear His still small voice whisper to me. "It's not how much you give, child, but how much love you put into giving." 

I'm saying, of course I love people, of course I love serving. But is it true? Is this love welling up from the depths of my soul and onto others? Am I really loving, or just saying that I am. And It's not just the love I give the Gabbra people, but the love I give my ministry partner when moments get frustrating. It's the love I give the missionaries and their kids. It's the love I give people at home, who are 8000 miles away. It's the love I give complete strangers that pass me by everyday. And I have realized that I keep to much to myself. I keep love to myself thinking that I need to save so much love for a great person, for a great moment. But God is telling me that each moment is great no matter how small, that each person is great, no matter how unloveable. That I've come into this world with nothing and can take nothing from it, so why must I continue to hold onto to things He has blessed me with to give away. So I must give it away.

I think we are conditioned to think that out lives revolve around great moments. That we feel as if we don't do anything, or nothing happens unless it's something great. But great moments often catch us unaware beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one. The smile of a stranger. The whispered hello from a shy child. Sitting in the kitchen cutting potatoes and singing worship songs. Laughter. Before coming here these moments would have seem meaningless and not important, but in reality, these are my greatest moments, the smallest. Our God is great, but even He is in the smallest things. I've realized that the moment, the action does not have to be great, because God is still moving in it, no matter how small. 

We tend to believe that our lives our measured by these great moments, by how much we can accumulate, we measure our lives by things. But the measure of our lives will not be in what we accumulate, but in what we give away. What we give away in each moment, the big ones and the small ones. Because we came into this world a blank slate, came into this world with nothing, and when we leave we will take nothing with us. So why do we continue to grip tight onto things that don't need to be held onto? Material possessions, addictions, and so on. Let go, let go of the things that seem to keep you from Him, keep you from those great and small moments. Stop holding out for something great and jump into something small, into the God moments and I guarantee that small thing will become one of the greatest moments in your life, because God works through it. 

Many times I say to myself, "okay, God I am here, but I don't see anything happening." I find myself waiting for something huge to happen, but He reminds me to stop looking for that one big moment and look at the small things. He reminds me that, just like my faith, even though I can't see something happening does not mean that it isn't there, that He isn't there, moving. I need to stop looking through my own eyes and look through HIS. I need to let go of the things I keep trying to take with me and give them to God, and as I do this I realize I can move a bit faster and stand a little taller. I don't feel as heavy or loaded down, trying to hold onto things that I'm suppose to give away. 

So this is the time, I cut the strings of the things I've tied to myself to keep and I let them float away. It's time to live in those small moments, because this is the place where I am supposed to be, supposed to follow Jesus, obey HIM, and make my best effort with His help to let go of those things and care and love people unconditionally. To love each person that He places in front of me, even in the smallest moments.

Living in the small moments,

   HIS and yours,

      Cami