Thursday, August 7, 2014

Just Another Beautiful Mess.

This is just another invitation. I write to invite people in. In to my heart, in to my mind, in to the thoughts I can never seem to easily express outside of pen scratches and journals, and the constant tap tap across my laptop keys. It's just another invitation for complete strangers to join me, just for a moment in my beautiful mess; between the breaths, between the heartbeats, between the words spoken and not.
And I keep feeling like there is this stigma, this dream, this real crap definition that seems to revolve around life and what it's suppose to be, what it's suppose to look like, what it's suppose to mean. That life should be this beautiful picturesque scene from a movie. That it should be clean and neat and perfect, without any mess. That when the credits roll and the curtains close, it is all just a happily ever after.
   But that's just crap.
  Even if we clean up our lives and manage to never struggle ever again, but we never get Jesus, we've totally lost. We've actually attained a whole lot of nothing. In the end if our lives look "perfect" if we look great and act great but we don't know Jesus, than who cares?
This "perfect," this happily ever after is a fantasy and life is not a fairytale, it is a battle. Life is a complicated mess, and I think faith in Jesus is often misunderstood to be this all encompassing "get out of jail free card." but it's not, it's so much more than that.
    That even with faith in the driver seat, even with Jesus right beside us, living in us, life is going to be difficult, even more so than before. That life will always have storm clouds and lightening strikes. It's just with Jesus, when the boat starts to rock, we have the courage to step out and walk on the water, instead of cowering in fear and allowing life to toss us overboard.
  Faith is meant to be lived moment by moment, it isn't some broad general outline, it's a long walk with a real person. And I'm seeing through my long walk that life though messy, is still beautiful.
   And so here I sit a worthless sinner, trying to find answers to questions I don't even have. Wondering why He calls me, why He asks me. I'm underestimated, I'm unworthy, I'm too young, not smart enough, not joyful enough. There are so many other people who could do this much better than I ever could. With one glance around me I can see behind the eyes of those who look at me, I can feel the doubt pouring over. More so from the face peering back at me in the mirror. Over and over again I ask God why, Why this? Why here? Why now? Why me?
   And I don't want to get in the way of things but I keep finding myself way off the beaten path. I constantly lose my grip on HIS hand and opt for clawing through darkness. I'm longing for light again, searching and seeking it out. Longing to lace my fingers with His, to calm the restlessness inside my heart, answer the questions and follow Him home.
   But this is not where I thought I would be at twenty-three. Sitting in a little coffee shop, typing up my inmost thoughts, struggling to breath, struggling to find purpose, struggling to know what my life is for. If I'm honest, which I have no reason not to be. I figured at twenty-three I would be working my dream job, sharing my life with a man I deeply love... that i would have it all together, all figured out, all neat and clean in a picture frame. but that's not the case. and that's not the path i've chosen.
  And I know that, I do, but in the moments when things get messy, it's easy for me to think that if I'd never discovered this faith, if i still lived in the darkness, would life be easier? would decision not carry the weight they do now? Maybe, maybe not. But then again the woman I am now would not exist without the Jesus that so beautifully pieced her life back together, and knowing that, is worth the  burden I carry like weights on my shoulders.
    I wouldn't know love, I wouldn't know joy, I wouldn't know grace. I wouldn't know pain, I wouldn't know the need that this world has for Him. I'd been in the dark, and maybe choices would be easier to make, and I would give no cares, but I think I would be a miserable woman, a worthless woman, a woman who's life is being wasted on herself, instead of on others.
  You see things lately haven't been working out the way I intended or planned. But I find that, that seems to be the case when I try to keep to my own accord and my own plans for things. I didn't expect to be back in a place i thought I was leaving behind for good. And maybe there is a reason for this, maybe I'm just not completely finished here. Maybe God has something planned. and maybe, there are just a lot of maybes in the works and sometimes it feels like the maybes are what kills us. but honestly maybe, may be not such a bad thing.
  Lately I've been pushing God back and away from me because things just haven't been the easy I 'd like them to be. I've been upset and depressed and frustrated with the way things have or haven't been working out. And I've filled that with an endless amount of Netflix watching and crappy book reading, trying to ignore the void that I have dug into the middle of my heart. But that void is there for a reason, and I can try all I want to fill it with the unsatisfying things, like Netflix and cookies, but it just can't be filled by the world. No matter how much I leave Him or put Him on hold, He is always there for me, patiently waiting for me to turn back to Him.
   And I want to get more comfortable being uncomfortable. I want to get more confident being uncertain. I don't want to shrink back just because something isn't working out, because something isn't easy. I want to push back, and make more room in my heart, more room in the area between I can't and I can. because with Him, I know I can. and honestly I don't last long without Him. This beautiful mess is the life He has given me. And the more I depend on Him the more dependable I find He is.
  And through this long walk and my journey of discovery I have found that i don't want this perfect life. I want beauty in the mess. That I am dirty and broken and He still carries me.
  So cover me in mud, cover me in filth, paint me in the shades of reckless love, take all that I have if need be as long as I am still loving while dirty, as long as i'm still living while dirty, as long as i am still chasing after him, mud flinging in every direction as i run headlong into His arms.
    Following God isn't glamorous, but it is so beautiful. Our hands will get dirty and our hearts will get wrecked, but love, unfailing love makes it worth it.
 Because this beauty doesn't live in a life perfectly mapped out, it doesn't live in a dream job or the arms of a man, it doesn't live in our skin, it lives in the love that we give away. It lives in the mess, in the dirt and grime of the hard knocks of life. It lives in the the arms of Jesus.
  and that's where you'll find me.

Just another Beautiful Mess,

  HIS and yours,


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