Lately it's been stormy weather... Not in a light shower kind of way, but in a stand in the down-pour, hair soaked, clothes drenched in thirty seconds kind of way. Lots of lightening and thunder down in my heart. Lots of walls crashing down and waters flooding through.
And you know where I've been....
Hiding in the boat.
All of the sudden all these things came rushing in over me, decisions, frustrations, emotions. Lately I feel like I complain more than I rejoice. Like my life lately has been just one big sad rainy day. And there I am hiding behind the sails, in the boat. Trying to stay dry, trying to not get my feet wet, trying to not let the waves overtake me.
And God's saying "Cami, take a step over the edge. Take a walk on the water with me. I can calm these waves. I can lighten the rain. Look at me and only me and you will see."
But I haven't been looking at Him, not lately. I've been looking at the mess scattered around me. At the waves crashing against the sides of the boat and threatening to tip me over. At the decisions I think need to be made in an instant, and the unknown future. And the water's been spraying me in the face as I peak over the edge and say "No, no thanks Jesus, I think I will just stay here, where it's dry and the waters can't get me and the sharks can't swallow me whole."
The storms in my life lately have reminded me a lot of Tanzania. Like the one day Caren and I stood in the doorway and watch the rain flood the compound, and Momma Esther couldn't go to work because she couldn't walk to the bus stop because the roads were washed away. Most people just quit everything for the day and watched the rain fall down. They didn't want to brave the storm or the waters rushing over the roads. Who could blame them, it looked dangerous. And that's kind of what I've been doing. quitting the days. watching the rain flood the streets of my heart, watching the waves crash against my soul. My anchor firmly planted in the ocean floor, yet my mind franticly searching for some place safer, in the boat. Behind the sails.And I can hear Him calling my name. "Cami, Cami, Cami."
"No, No, Just No." I can't handle it, I don't want it, Give me something else, anything else. But not these waves. Not this tossing and churning of the sea. Not these storms. I can't swim, I don't want to swim. I don't want to get lost at sea, God just no.
So I took a vacation. I took two weeks off from work, stopped answering text messages from certain people, stopped worrying about jobs and offers and money, and just drove 18 hours with my sister and my mom. and it was good. The waves were still flooding the decks of my heart, but they weren't as big and weren't as hard-pressing. I just wanted to run away from it. I started paddling my little sailboat as fast as I could in the other direction. But when I got there, the waves were higher and messier.
Waves of saying goodbye to my best friend and sister. Waves of realizing that she's not going to be right across the hallway from me anymore. Waves and waves and tossing and turning. And I felt sea-sick. And it hit me on the way home as my brother drove 90 miles an hour down the freeway, I laid back in my seat and let the tides fall from my eyes. I let the water's rush over me. And for a moment i felt like I was floating out to sea with no life jacket. And my head was under water, and I could feel myself sinking down deep. Eyes heavy with lack of sleep and tears. Heart aching with so much stress.I opened my eyes and we were driving through fog in the mountains and as we pulled through the last bit of fog I looked up into the sky and there it was. Bright. Beautiful. Colorful. A Rainbow. And I kind of chuckled and my brother looked at me funny. It was there. It was His sign to me. I don't care what anyone says. That little tiny rainbow was my rainbow for my storm.
I needed to be in that water. I needed to be in that storm in the midst of the waves. Not to get lost at sea and not to be over taken by the water, but to be cleansed. To be washed by that water. To realize that only by looking to Him and running to Him and not away can I step over the edge of that boat and walk on the water.
It's kind of goofy, I know. Rainbows and Storms... so Noah's ark, but hey God has an amazing sense of humor and a knack for beautiful stories. So right now I'm walking, slowly but surely on the water clinging ever so tightly to the hand of my Jesus. Because through the storm He is my rock, He is my foundation, with Him I will not sink, but I will stand on the water.
Feet Wet, Heart Dry, Holding onto Jesus,
HIS and yours,
Cami
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water"
-NEEDTOBREATHE
No comments:
Post a Comment