My Heart is Torn.

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" -Jeremiah 17:9














My heart is torn between where I am and where I want to go.

I don't want to be here. I want to be with kids, I want to be with people who want to serve Christ in their everyday life and actions just as much as I do. But here, I can't seem to find them. And that scares me.

I don't want to make a generalization, because the truth is I don't know everyone, correction I know no one. But I know that I need to be here, because if I didn't need to, God wouldn't have me here. It's a battle I daily fight to surrender it to God and say USE ME. Here. Because He has given me a task to Shine His light, not my own. Not for people to know my name, but to know His. Because if I don't point people to God for an everlasting joy, I don't love. I waste my life.

God has not called me to be made much of, but to make much of Him in every part of my life. I am slowly coming to grips with how He has and is changing me and realizing that I am different, I am changing, and the people around me aren't. I think the scary part of that is I feel like I am losing my friends. But God says to love nothing more than Him. Because He is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him.

My prayer is that God will use me, especially in ways I could never imagine. Because He is the most amazing, unpredictable, loving God ever. I have fallen in love with Him more. I pray that the relationship I have with Him will deepen and grow stronger and that I will tremble and His holy name, having a holy fear for Him, and no fear for the things of this earth.

I believe that if you want your life to count, if you want the ripple effect of the pebbles you drop to become waves that reach the ends of the earth and roll on into eternity, you don't have to have good looks, or riches, or come from a fine family or a fine school. Instead you have to know a few great majestic, unchanging, obvious, simple, glorious things-- or one great-all-embracing thing- and be set on fire by Him!

I am just extremely thirsty, I feel like I am in a drought. But people go deep with God when the drought comes. I know how much I need the deepening, the presence of my Beloved. I am thirsty and God is calling me to the waters, Come and drink deep.


In Christ's Fulfilling Love,

HIS and yours,

Cami