"Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find strength in what remains behind..." -William Wordsworth.
Sometimes I'm just angry. Sometimes I'm just upset. Sometimes I just want to cry, scream, stomp, shout, and everything in-between. Sometimes I just wish I could understand, understand what God is doing in my life, and sometimes I wish I could take it with a little bit more grace, a little bit more happiness, a little bit more joy, just a little bit more than the way I have been.
But I haven't and yet nothing can separate...
Those three words have been something I say to myself constantly. The other day I was extremely upset, I'm unhappy with my life right now. Yes. I admit it. I am unhappy and trust me I'm not real good and hiding it. I'm unhappy that I'm working a minimum wage job. I'm unhappy that I don't have many friends around me. I'm unhappy that I'm in Iowa. I'm unhappy that I'm not cradling orphans in my arms and I'm unhappy I don't have calloused hands from widows grasping mine. Sometimes I'm just unhappy. My mom asked me why I thought God brought me home early from Africa and I replied... to make me more unhappy. My mom asked me if I was even listening to myself... Yeah I was listening to my flesh of course, I know God never makes me unhappy, He's teaching me something, something my unhappiness has blinded me from. and yet. Nothing Can Separate.
It's crazy right. Nothing, absolutely nothing can separate me from HIM and His hand over my life. No matter how unhappy, or angry, or how many temper tantrums I throw because I'm not getting my way, He's still there, cradling me in His arm, calming down and reminding me that His ways are higher than my own and that no matter how hard I push and push and push Him away, He's still there and nothing can separate.
I don't know I'm broken and my life is laying in His hands, but all too often, especially recently I've been trying to grab it out and take over. And I realize that this is what is making me unhappy. This is what is making me miserable, I am trying to force what I want into His plans, when in reality, it may not be what He desires for my life. And that, my friends, is a hard pill to swallow. And I can't say that I can tie this blog post up in a bow and make it pretty, because that's not my life. My life is not pretty, it's messy and tangled and I am still unhappy. This post cannot resolve the unhappiness I have right now. Only God can and I must allow Him to move in my life. I must stop trying to take control, I must stop pushing His hands away every time He pulls my hair back out of my eyes and tells me to "LOOK DAUGHTER!" Because through everything and anything, nothing can separate.
Nothing can separate me from Him. His love from my love. It's always there, even when I try to run away, even when I try to bury it deep, even when I try to fill it with other things. It is there. He is there.
I don't know what is in store right now. I don't know where my life is going. But where does it say that we have to have our lives planned out and figured out and living them at 22 years old. Who says I have to know what I'm doing for my entire life, God has taken care of me yesterday, today, and tomorrow, why should I worry about it. Some might boil that down to carelessness of my generation, but I just call it faith.
Yes, I'm unhappy, but I have faith. I have faith that God is moving, that God is working and that I will continue to follow Him, even in the unhappy moments. Even when I'm crumpled in a ball on my bedroom floor crying. Because He is there, He's never left or forsaken me. My life is in His hands. Nothing can separate.
Letting go,
HIS and yours,
Cami
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:30-39.
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