There are times when I believe I have it all figured out, when I feel like finally I can depend on who I am in Christ to get me through days. But then there are those days that wreck me, that make me reel back from its slap to my face. Days like today. Days where they start off great and then words get said that make me think about things I pushed from my mind a long time ago. And I hate it. I hate it so much, because then sitting on those things causes me to get distracted from my purpose, and then the day is over and I've done nothing I was supposed to expect think about unnecessary things.
Today I was asked the simplest of questions. "Why are you single?"
Now I am a 22 year old woman, who is pretty comfortable with herself on most days, one that has taken a long time to realize that being single is okay. But everyone once in awhile someone has to come along and put a lion in a cage with me and ask me to battle it. This question is my lion. This question comes at me teeth bared ready to take a chunk out of my heart. And today it did. Today I was attacked.
I was just talking to a friend casually who happened to mention weddings and all the stuff that comes along with being a young adult in their 20s and I mention many of my friends getting married. She asked me when I was getting married and I kind of chuckled and said it's not in the plan at the moment. Because I've been content with giving that answer. Because right now I don't have a plan to get married, I don't even have a plan to date, but every once in awhile the enemy likes to sneak into these questions and play games with my mind and my heart. Today he snuck in and i didn't even see it coming.
"What what do you mean you're not going to marry?" She stared at me in disbelief.
"Who says I have to be married now?" I asked her.
"Well I mean look at all your friends getting married people older and younger and your age, don't you want that?"
Ugh. and this is where it went downhill and I totally let it happen, because I totally didn't answer this question the way I should have. Because in the back of head... in the deep part of my heart sits 6th grade me. The one who was called ugly and made fun of for having hairy arms and legs by the boys. The one whose insecurities overwhelmed her. She's still there. She's still here.
And the words are falling from my lips into the space between us before I have time to think of what I'm saying. "I guess I'm just not good enough." I say it and then suck the air back into my chest. Did I really just say that... Why did I just say that? It didn't even sound like my voice.
And my friend says "Maybe it's cause you're intimidating... I mean even the really Christian guys are probably intimidated by you. I mean I just don't understand why you are single."
"What does that even mean?"
"You know you're so into this Jesus thing I mean it could be what's keeping guys from you."
I could feel myself getting upset as I replied. "Why do you need to understand? Why does anyone need to understand why I am single. Why does it matter, am i less of a person, does it mean something that a man does not ask me on dates, does it make me worthless? I don't understand. Why can't people just be okay with who I am. Why do you need to understand when even I don't completely understand. Why can't I just be?"
"I'm just saying, maybe you should tone down the Jesus."
"I can't, it's who I am."
"But who you are is also still single."
And then I told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore because my little 6th grade girl was getting so worked up inside of me I had to get out. I had to walk. I had to cry. I had to pray. So I climbed into my car, leaned against my steering wheel and bawled. The sixth grade girl inside of me screamed at me. And the word intimidating echoed through my brain, throbbed throughout my ears, rolled itself off my tongue and through my car. Intimidating, to fill with fear. Why would anyone want to be described like that. To fill someone with fear. And words began to fill my mind in that moment. You're single because you fill people with fear. You aren't lovable because people are scared of you. You are too drastic, too reckless, too much.
The tears are falling and the words are filling my brain and I'm trying to not drive into someone. And I'm saying God, what is going on with me. I thought we had covered this already, I thought I had let this go. I thought that I told you I was okay. Why am I feeling this way. Why am I hurting so much.
And sitting at a stoplight I hear. "What have I told you. You are loved. You are my daughter. No earthly romance can satisfy what your soul desires. I love you my child. I love you."
You see I'm not going to lie. I have a huge huge desire to be a wife and to be a mother. I was just telling two friends that last night. But I also have an even bigger desire to serve the Lord. And right now those two desires don't line up. And every so often in the moments I feel content, it gets brought, someone mentions a guy, someone mentions setting me up. And I have to shove that little sixth grade girl down deep inside of me who's screaming to be seen, to be called beautiful, to be loved by a boy.
It's hard to even explain. I love who I am. I love who I have become and I know that I have so much more growing to do. And I know I cannot do that with anyone else but me and God. But it's a struggle in a culture that says if you're not dating something must be wrong with you. But that's the problem there's nothing wrong with me and I don't like it when people assume there is. I know in my heart that someday it will happen for me. That someday God will say "My faithful servant you are ready, I've been preparing you and now is the time." But I know that day is not even close. I have so much growing in Him to do before I can grow in Him with another person. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.
Because in this moment, if I had to choose to leave everything behind to move across the ocean for Him and for His children, or to get married and live the rest of my life here. I know exactly what my choice would be... and it wouldn't be this earthly happily ever after. And I know that when the right guy come along our passions, our desires, and our love for the Lord will line up and create something beautiful. And this guy will understand that I will always... ALWAYS choose God over him... But that hasn't happened yet. And I'm not going to jump into anything just to make it appear like nothing is wrong with me.
Yes I'm a weird, awkward, and extrememly radical person. It is going to take a special person to understand all that. but God is already taken care of me. He knows me better than anyone else, better than I know myself and He loves me. And that is all I need.
Yes somedays I am my own worst enemy. Somedays I am that sixth grade girl. But God is working in me, He is making me realize that my life can only be filled in Him, no matter what this world says. He is filling me up, He is preparing me for a greater calling, for whatever that may be. So for now I am going to buckle up and be along for the ride. Just me. not alone. With Him. And I wouldn't want it any other way.
So for the girls out there. There is no flaw in you. You are beautiful and God loves you so stinking much. Just because you're single doesn't mean you are worthless. It means you are worthy of so much more than what this world thinks of. Wait for Him. His plan is far better than anything else. Become a godly woman, one that men can respect and be encouraged by. One that's beauty and love for the Lord and His calling and His people overflows from the inside out. Because that beauty outweighs anything those magazines throw at you!
And for the men, There is no flaw in you. I know it seems that women struggle with this more, but I know that men do to. I know it's just as hard and probably even harder sometimes. But God is rising up amazing men. Be one of them. Encourage hearts and love recklessly. And wait for Him. He is amazing and a man of God is what every woman needs, just like a woman of God is what every man needs. It's not easy no, but it will be worth it.
He is working in each of our lives. Somedays are harder than others. Somedays you will be that sixth grader just wanting to be accepted. But the beautiful thing is we already are, by the only One that matters. By the one who has always loved us. So let go and see you are loved, there is nothing wrong with you. Everything will happen in His perfect timing, whatever it may be!
Letting go of my sixth grade self,
HIS and yours,
Cami
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