A Graceful Heart.

No one has ever mistaken me for beauty or grace or anything of the sort. I'm really more the clumsy type, always saying the wrong words or doing awkward things, always tripping or falling over something. I am anything but graceful. Just ask anyone who has walked behind me on a hike. And yet I desire a graceful heart. A heart that goes beyond a simple love. But a heart that loves extravagantly, not a reckless abandonment way, but more with a reckless grace.

I desire a graceful heart that is forever young. That's beat is timeless, its joy is effortless, its capacity for love limitless, that it would transcend boundaries and leap from mountaintops. That it would entice others to tiptoe close to the edge of delight and to the edge of faith. To open new connections, a heart that invites others in for a cup of tea and wants them to share dreams and celebrate life and love and God. A heart full of grace and full of love.

I've never been good with grace. It's concept that has taken me a long long time to grasp onto. To understand that it is freely given and asks for nothing in return. And desiring a heart like that is beyond difficult. It's a challenge everyday. to freely give without asking for anything in return. Most days I feel like a used washcloth, people keep wringing out and wiping up and wringing out. And each time I have to seek God and ask Him to fill me up again. But somedays I don't. Somedays I am my not so wonderful selfish human self and my grace is non-existent.

Sometimes I like to keep myself guarded, because I don't like to be hurt. But in reality having a graceful heart I think means being hurt. Jesus had a graceful heart beyond graceful hearts. He gave and gave and gave asking for one thing and one thing only. Love. For His followers to love Him. He didn't ask for gifts or words of affirmation or anything but love. And even when no one gave Him love, even when people left Him hanging on a cross, He still had love, He still had a graceful heart for all those who left Him. And He still has a graceful heart for all of us.

That is the kind of heart I want.

A heart like Jesus.

And at times I feel how He feels, I find myself saying I don't want it... I don't want to feel how heavy this pain is. And yet I do... everyday... He shows me ways he feels and ways He sees and each day I continue to ask Him to give me a heart like His... a truly graceful heart. One that is not selfish or self-seeking. One that listens when people need an ear. And speaks when someone needs a voice.

I am a work in progress. My heart is by no means graceful. I have a lot of selfishness to get over. And everyday I make the choice to choose a grace beyond measure or the selfishness of this world. I fall short everyday, but grace covers a multitude of sin. And luckily for me I have a God who despite the pain in His heart still loves me despite my ungracefulness.

So no I've never been mistaken for beauty or grace or anything like that. I am clumsy and awkward and sometimes don't know how to express myself and I get attached to people fast because I just want to love and see them the way Jesus does. But I'm learning that there is nothing wrong with that, even when it hurts me. My desire is to love the way Jesus loves, and even Jesus's heart hurts from love unreturned. I just keep trying to learn from Him, His word, and the people He places in my life.

Just trying to grow in my ungraceful life and become stronger, in my spirit, in my mind and in my heart. Learning that I must continue to freely give of myself with grace, and never ask for anything in return. To love without bounds, even if hurts. Because God is here with me, loving even more. So must I.

Desiring a graceful heart,


 HIS and yours,

    Cami