Though I Fall... I Will Rise Again.

It's been a rough couple of weeks... actually it's been a rough couple of months. It's just been days that are wrecked, sad, tear-filled, sleepless, bruised, and heart-wrenching.

And I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of being sad.

I'm tired of being frustrated.

I'm tired of the bruises and the sleepless nights.

I'm tired of feeling run over and wrecked constantly.

Basically I'm just tired.

Tired of trying to take control of my situations, instead of letting God lift the weight from my shoulders and taking the burden from my white-knuckled grasp and picking me up to sit on His knee and holding me tightly as I cry into His arms.

Lately though I haven't been running to my Shelter and my Refuge. I've been staying away from my hiding place and I've let myself roam out into the wilderness with no covering and no shield and I've felt it. I've felt the world's claws in my back and slaps to my face. The world screaming at me for money and materials and my life. The world stepping on my fingers and tugging at my heart and overloading my brain with the ideas of what is a necessity. Telling me that my dreams and my hearts desire will never work out. Not with the low paying job I have, not with all the bills I have to pay, not with the amount of cost it goes into getting my nursing degree. and Africa, just forget about it. I'm never going to make it. I'm never going to do it. I'm anxious and edgy and cranky with the people I love... And out in this wilderness all I hear is the word no... All I see are people hurting people. All I feel is pain and madness... And it seems everything I touch begins to fall apart. It's seem that I am falling. With no shelter and no covering out here trying to make it on my own.

I am falling and flailing through this messiness.

And all I really want is a way out. I want an escape.

But that's not what I need.

Throughout the Bible, God is presented as a hiding place, a refuge, a stronghold, a shelter. Not as an exit or a way out.

God shelters us in the place that we are. He sits down with us in the right now. He invited us to stand in the messiness and go deeper into it to join Him. To hold tight to His hand and know that He and only He can bring us through the wilderness.

And I've missed that. Even this morning I read the words "The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trust in Him and I am helped." and I missed it.

I am so blinded by the words in my head, I missed the words on the page. His words. I'm trying so hard to block out the screams from the world that I'm missing the words God is giving me through the people in my life. His words.

Because a part of me, the part of me that was taught in all those cookie-cutter Christian living ways, that was told when I was 6 years old at that church that if I let Jesus in my heart I will no longer struggle. I will always be happy and I will always know where my life is going. That at 6 years old I believed this lie. I believed that following Him would mean my life would be perfect. But it's not. And it's not suppose to be. And I think this is where I missed it.

Following Him looks a lot like dealing with all the issues everyone else does- disappointments, tremendous joys, uncertainty, sadness, struggles, the lot. But it also means having my mind changed all the time as I learn how Jesus would've dealt with the things I do.

"Following Jesus is about having your paradigms shift as you navigate a wide range of emotions while living the big life Jesus invites us into." -Bob Goff.

No I don't have it all figured out. And yes I still have all those feelings rushing around inside of me. I am filled with frustration and uncertainty. And God is constantly asking me to Be Still. to run to His shelter. To sink my feet in the ground next to His and go deeper in the messiness. Because God makes beauty out of messy things. And right now I'm feeling pretty messy.

Basically I need to listen to my mother. Stop being so frustrated that I'm not in Africa and take one day at a time. To rest in knowing that God's got me. That He knows what tomorrow brings, He's already been there. To know that He's going to take care of me. My finances, my job, my schooling, my life, my Africa. He's got it all in His hands. But most importantly He's got me there too.

He's showing me that even though I fall. I will rise again. That He is rising me up.

That even though right now I am uneasy and uncertain. That His yoke is easy, His burden light and He is certainly always here.

Though I fall. I am rising again. He is rising me up. And I just need to rest in that.



Sinking in, Reaching out, and Rising Up,

His and yours,

  Cami