I am terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love.
I am sensitive, opinionated, and sometimes quiet, something not everyone knows how to understand.
I am reckless, bold, and constantly moving, something not everyone knows how to grasp onto.
And lately I have found myself wildly and terrifyingly sensitive in the core of my being. I have found myself hauntingly aware of the fallen world I live in and how everyday is a constant struggle for me to breathe. That I have to constantly fight my way to surface just to catch a glimpse of hope, to get a glimpse of love. Lately it's been a rough lesson to learn. Learn to see Jesus in every person and every situation.
It's just plain difficult.
There is no sugar-coating that.
Today I saw a man get hit by a car. For a brief moment time froze and my heart stopped pumping the blood through my veins. For a brief moment all I could feel was tingling in my hands and all I could see was this mans leg peeking out from the tire belonging to the baby blue van in front of me. For a moment I didn't know what to do. Tears were spilling over my eyelids and I could feel a scream for help trapped in my throat. Then time started, the leg moved, the man stood and walked around to the passenger side of the car, his bike trapped underneath.
The baby blue van backed up and stopped as an old man in khaki shorts and a red shirt stepped out from the passenger side. He began wildly swinging his arms and pointing his finger at the bike belonging to the man he had hit. There was no compassion shown, no offer of love or help to this man who had just been mowed over my a vehicle thirty times his size. The man simply picked up his bike and walked it to the sidewalk. The old man got back in the car and drove away.
Prayers were escaping my lips as my eyes followed the mousy haired man to the sidewalk in front of the frozen yogurt place. My heart hurt for him. But I watched him as I sat at that stoplight. I watched him dust himself off, fix the chain on his bike, take a drink of his water bottle and then the craziest thing I saw this man do. He got back on the bike and road away.
I was stunned. blown away I leaned out my window and watched him ride across another street, as if a car just didn't almost take his life. I watched him peddle away, the wind blowing through his hair. I watched a man be covered by God's protection. I watched a man give grace to people who almost killed him. In that moment, clouded by the stresses of my own day I saw Jesus act, move, protect, and reflect from this man.
Our God is amazing!
You see yesterday I had a rough day at work.
I walked out.
I literally walked out of work.
I got so mad that I wanted to punch someone in the face. I don't think I have ever been that frustrated or upset by something. But I've never been treated so poorly then I have at this job. I'm not bashing the company or the people. But somedays it seems that I'm living in a soap opera or a reoccuring nightmare of high school days. And most days it's hard to handle, but I can easily shrug it off my shoulders. But lately it's been piling up and up. The way people talk about people, the way people speak to people and the way people treat other people. There is no grace, there is no compassion and there is no love.
And everyday it gets harder and harder for me to work. It gets harder and harder for me to pull myself from my sheets, get ready and go to work. Because everyday I have to worry about if someone is talking about me when I'm not around. Or someone calling me names or just being disrespectful. Somedays I just want to scream and yell and throw things around the store. But I don't. Even though yesterday I really wanted to.
Instead I did what I was asked and then I walked out.
Because in that moment that's the only thing I could think to do.
I knew I couldn't stay or I would have probably said something or did something that I would have regretted. So I turned the other cheek, I walked away and out the door. Granted, looking at today, it wasn't the smartest thing to do and it upset people. And yet I still feel like I did the right thing, no matter how wrong everyone else says it was.
But I think the hardest thing was accepting the apology today and being called a name in the process of the apology. It was like I'm sorry but you're a naive twenty-two year old who doesn't deserve my respect. And it took everything in me to say that it's okay and that I'm over it and that I accept the apology. Because I don't accept it. I still need maybe one more day to really let myself cool off, but I didn't have that day, and then heaping a name-calling on me in the midst of an apology, like it contradicts it just made me more upset.
So I had to suck breath in and out through my nose as I clenched my teeth and said it was okay, even though I wasn't. I think God's teaching me to not hold grudges or be bitter... let's just say I have some work to do in those areas.
He wants me to turn the other cheek. But the minute I do that one gets smacked as well. And I often wonder why I do it. Like God it'd be much easier to hit this person back... but I don't because that is not what He asks of me. But each and everyday I lose more and more faith in humanity and sometimes even in myself.
Yet today, through a almost tragedy God gave me faith through that man on the bicycle. I know it sounds crazy, but after it happen though I was freaking out a weird sense was about me and I was like okay God you can have it, I forgive my co-worker... though I am being honest I'm still a little bit mad (but hey, I'm human and I'm working on it!) Because if this man can ride away, can get back on his bicycle after being hit, then I can forgive my co-worker.
There have been a lot of rough lessons this week and I'm slowly realizing that God is just giving me what I ask and sometimes His answer are tougher than I would like them to be, but I'll never stop learning, never stop trusting, and never stop loving. He is in and over all. He'll take care of me.
Learning Forgiveness,
HIS and yours,
Cami
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