I quit my job. I quit my job. And here I sit a week later sprawled across my bedroom floor wondering what is next. Wondering why I am here, Wondering why God has lead me to this place, to this moment, at this time. And I feel I've spent the first three or so years of my twenties in wonder. I realize that I'm not alone, I mean who in their twenties has life even figured out. That I tell teenage girls all the time that it's okay to be a mess sometimes, that it's okay to not be perfect and it's okay to not be okay, it's just means you're in the thick of living. But sometimes I am hindered by my own advice. Sometimes my advice sounds better spoken to others, rather than to myself.
Ask anyone who knows me well, I tend to over think things too often. Especially now with all this time on my hands and the hours i've spent laying on my couch watching Netflix to try and block out my thoughts, over thinking has become kind of overwhelming. Over thinking jobs and nursing school and my family and kids in Africa and kids in Ogden and how do you tell someone how you really feel about them. How do you take everything you've ever known yourself to be and move forward into who you're suppose to become.
And i'm finding that I don't want to be an idle woman. I don't want to be one of those women that puts her life on hold, too busy over thinking things, over analyzing moments instead of enjoying them. I don't want to spend the remainder of my twenties and thirties and the rest of my life wondering what's next. Wondering when I'll find the right job, wondering when I'll find the right words to explain my heart. Wondering when I will see those little faces again. I don't want to wonder my life away, I want to become somebody. To become the woman God has created me to be.
To not sit idly by, even now with no job. I want to stop wasting my days with Netflix and romantic comedies. Trying to get lost in thoughts instead of lost in people. In the people He has placed in my life. To stop waiting for people to call me, to respond. But to keep reaching out even if it means coming back empty handed. I want to use my hands, my head and my heart for the good of others.
Because this relationship with Jesus, this life I am living for Him and with Him is not something wild to tame but something wild to run with.
To run recklessly and to love unconditionally.
Jesus never said "Think and then go…" He simply said "Go."
Where? I have no idea at the moment, but I need to crawl out from underneath my pillows and blankets, turn off the TV, take a shower, throw on some clothes other than my pajamas and do just that. Go.
Go find someone to talk to.
Go find that job.
Go apply to nursing school.
Go tell him about my heart.
Go pray for that child.
Go find a way back to Africa.
Go all in His timing. I will Go.
To stop sitting and wondering, but start going and wandering.
His hands are guiding my life in a beautiful way and I need to stop guarding my life and start giving it away. To stop being timid and speak. to stop dying and start living. Really living.
That yes I carry a lot deep down inside of me. And I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it all. But sitting around waiting for life to happen just isn't going to cut it anymore. To constantly remind myself that yes, He is in control, even on the days that seem like they are spiraling out of control and I can't explain myself or anything else around me, that I don't need to over think a single thing, but to remember that God is in it, molding me, shaping me, changing me into the woman I am supposed to be.
Going in His Grace,
HIS and yours,
Cami
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