because my pen cannot stutter like my lips do,
and words get stuck in throats,
not fingertips,
And I can't stumble
on paper trails of blue lines
because writing is definite and clear
and no one can tell if I am crying
or laughing
through written words alone.
In writing I can explain who I am and what I feel. I'm not looking into faces or staring into eyes and empty places. It's me, my pen, my paper, and my thoughts.
Which can be a scary place. A place where I come alive. Where I am seeing that sometimes people are not who they seem to be and sometimes people are exactly who they need to be. Sometimes people are going to use you and sometimes people are going to love you, regardless of what you do.
A place where I am constantly hunkering down next to Jesus and asking "What next? Where to? How long? Why me?" Where His arms are wrapped around me in a gentle way and He's leading me, He's showing me that sometimes I have to do things that I don't like to learn more about the things I love. That when I sit down with my pen in my hand and look at the big picture, His hand is in it all. He's guiding my pen, my words, whether written or spoken and He's showing me great and mighty things.
It's moments like these where I realize that when I don't over analyze, when I stop thinking so much He brings an answer into the light. And sometimes it's not the answer I necessarily like, but it's just the answer I need.
I was not made to work...
Okay before someone goes and calls me another lazy person of my generation, let me clarify.
I was not made to work this quote-unquote 9 to 5 job. (technically those are no where near my hours but whatever), You see lately I've been feeling a little overwhelmed by this idea that I could get stuck in this job. It's kind of something that haunts me. I don't want to ever feel stuck. ever. anywhere. Stuck means compromise. And that is something I promised myself I would never do.
You see honestly, most days I feel like I'm not doing the work I was made to do. The Kingdom work. Most days I feel like I'm just another face in the crowd. Standing in a retail store, helping guys pick out ties and underwear, carrying furniture for little old ladies, and slowly being snuffed out by the workforce world.
I feel like I am not fighting the good fight, that I'm not shining Christ near enough, and that my friends, haunts me. Haunts me more than the bills I know need to be paid, and the hours I know need to be filled, and the life i feel wasted at a job I know needs to be worked.
And so many people don't understand, they think it's an easy fix. And all I can do is just smile and nod and pretend like I'm getting along just fine, but I can't really talk about it. Because I can't really explain it. I can't explain that most days I feel the joy getting sucked right from me. That most days I walk around with people who proclaim to be these "Christians" but cut people down and pin people against each other any chance they get. That no matter how much I talk it out, I feel that each day gets worse. Because my heart is not in it. It never has been.
And these people see me as unappreciative, because I can't explain that I don't live, eat and breath my job. That I was not made for work. That I was not made for the workforce.
But that I have been made with a holy purpose. for the Kingdom's force. That I was made for love.
And everyday it gets harder to push myself up from the ground I so easily find myself on. That right now i just feel that nothing is in order and everything is so messy.
Because that's the thing. Love isn't beauty, love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. Love happens, and it is incredibly messy.
And through these words written on pages and messy prayers lifted up, God is showing me the things I need to do. That I don't need approval to do them. That it's not going to be easy, but incredibly messy. But that He will continue to love me regardless of the world's view of me. Because that does not matter.
I hate who work makes me become. I hate who I am when I am there. I don't feel like myself and I believe when something is toxic to you, it's time to step away. It's not going to be easy, it's going to be messy. But right now I am leaning ever so close to my Jesus and He's showing me that His wreck is beautiful for my life.
That He's placing people and things and opportunities right in front of me. So I need to stop over thinking, stop over analyzing and just jump right in. He's got it all under control. Even through this messy words of a post. He's showed me a clear path through my cluttered mind. And ultimately it is to His Kingdom and His work and His calling and plan for my life.
Sorting through my clutter with Jesus,
HIS and yours,
Cami
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