I am a Chapati

        

   

       Making Chapati is difficult. There are so many steps to go through just to make something that seems so simple (what we would call a tortilla). First you have to buy the flour, which can make or break the whole chapati, because if the flour is bad then the whole thing becomes a disaster. Then you must boil the water, and while it's boiling you mix in some salt and sugar to the flour. 20 minutes later the water is boiling, you pour that into the pan and begin mixing the dough. No, not with a mixer, but with your hands. First of all the water is really HOT, second of all the dough gets stuck all over your hands and it's hard to remove. By hand, mixing the dough takes an hour or more. 

      Once that is finished you can clean off your hands then cover them in flour. You grab a handful of dough and begin rolling them into little balls. Depending on how many you make, depends on how long this takes, because you have to stretch the dough out well so it doesn't get stiff and then wrap it around your fingers, making sure it does not get stuck to your hands, then make it into a ball and set in on the tray. This particular night we made 21, so this process took another 30 to 45 minutes. Especially because the girls I was cooking with had to keep fixing mine. 

      When this is completed you grab your rolling pin and your circular cutting board and one little ball of dough. You cover the cutting board in flour and then the dough and begin rolling it out. Now it HAS to be a perfect circle. Sounds simple enough right? NOT. No seriously no matter how many times I tried I could not get that dough to form a circle. I rolled out about 6 chapati's, which took 20 to 30 minutes each and then Mary, one of the girls I am living with, would cook them on the metal-circular pan over the coals. Cooking one took around 10 to 20 minutes because it's hard to keep the coals/fire even in the little stove. 

After just rolling out 6 I was exhausted so Flora, another one of the girls I'm living with here, took over and roles out the rest as I became the designated torch holder. We did this all in the dark, outside, in their "kitchen." Now what's the point of me giving you a lesson in making chapati, besides showing you how tough it actually is, and the fact that I have never been so covered in sweat and flour and exhaustion from cooking something that seems so simple. 

The point is: I am a Chapati. 

And God, He is this exhausted baker covered in sweat and flour.

He has taken so many steps to prepare me for this journey and He still is preparing me. But I am stubborn just like the dough and many time I refuse to form into the circle He wants me to. Even when I think I am a pretty good looking oval, He tells me "I made you to be a beautiful circle." He tells me that no matter how hard I try to make things works, to push things, to try to hold everything on my shoulders, never asking for help, to roll myself back up into a ball of dough. He knows exactly where I am and where I am suppose to be and He continues to mold me, continues to roll me out and shape me into a beautiful circle. And I know that is what He is doing now. 

Through the past month times have been hard for Miriam and I, no it's not that we are home sick, it's not that we have culture shock, it's that sometimes God places  us in situations where our job is to reveal the heart of man, through Christ, and it's tiring and tough and something we didn't think we would be doing here. There have been many trials, many angry moments, frustrated moments, many tears and many many many prayers. But we know that the trials and the hardship we are facing have grown us together and strengthen us as ministry partners and as friends. The things we are facing now are necessary. Because God is rolling us out, stretching our faith. 

When the Chapati's are finished they are delicious (there one of Miriam and I's favorite thing to eat here). It is worth all that work in the end because when I swallow that Chapati that I worked so hard, the feeling in my stomach of fullness and joy is perfect. And I know when this journey is finished all of the hard times will be worth. I know we will look back and think of these moments and wonder how we made it though. But we know that in the end we will have that feeling of fullness, that feeling of joy. We know, because we will be beautiful circles. 

Just as God intended.

Being rolled out,

   HIS and yours,

      Cami 

Love like Christ. Live like Christ

There is a sign we pass on the way to Mwanza City that reads "A billion reasons to believe in Africa." Most days I agree, there are a billion reasons to believe in Africa. But then there are days like today. Day when I see a women get pulled from our DalaDala and beaten to the ground, because Miriam and I chose her DalaDala over his. When their screaming echoes through my ears, because I chose to ride this one over that. When all eyes are on us because we are the "Wazungu" the white people. Days like today I think maybe there aren't a billion reasons to believe in Africa. 

It's hard not to get discouraged. Katie Davis once wrote "I feel like working in a Third World country is like trying to empty the ocean with an eyedropper." And I would have to say I understand those words and the feeling. It seems that at one moment there can be so much hope and then a second later that hope is dashed by something painful or another problem or sickness. In the month that I have been away from home, I've had many moments like this. Moments of discouragement and moments of hope. This past weeks was made up of those moments.

    

   A moment of hope, when I spend time with the family that I am living with. The girls teach me to cook Chapati and teach me Swahili. I've learned how to cook charoko, rice, chapati and other things… Africa style (cooking over coal stoves). Dancing with them and laughing with them, just brings so much hope and joy to my heart. I also love sitting outside and seeing the stars and talking with Baba Joseph and Mama, talking about work and family. The love and the willingness they have to welcome us into their home is just astounding and brings me so much joy.

 A moment of discouragement, when we visit the village and see the conditions people are living in, and in asking them what they think can be done. They tell us nothing can help them, that they have no hope in themselves or anything to help them pull themselves out. It's hard for me to grasp, because I refuse to believe that the conditions one live in is based on where they are on the map. My heart aches for the children and the families, because I want to do so much, but I know I can do nothing, only God can restore their hope.

A moment of hope, Being with the children on Saturday was so, words cannot even describe how much my heart overflowed with love and joy for these kids. Their white smiles against their ebony faces and the laughter that echoed through the trees as they ran and played with us. The joy that flowed through those voices and in their eyes. God knows exactly where I needed to be and that is right where I am, with those families, with those kids. Loving.

And that is when I realized that my purpose here is simple and I can't believe it has taken me so long to see it. I am here to love. I am not here to change a situation, I'm not here to stop mother's from abandoning their children, or solve any world problems. I am just here to love deeply, love recklessly, Love like Christ. And even if I can love even just one child, one mother, one family, that they can see the hope I have in Christ and their hope may be restored, than I will have succeeded. I know Christ will work in and through me, I just have to continue giving everything to Him. 

God continues to bless me in immeasurable ways, somedays are difficult and somedays are easy, but all the days are HIS. I am just trying to love each person I meet as I attempt to speak to them in Swahili as well as understand what they are trying to say to me. But even through the miscommunication Christ is present. I just challenge each person reading this to love. Love beyond what you love already. Love that person that drives you crazy, love your family more, love your roommate, your friend, love the person who seems like they can't be loved. Love the unloveable, Just love, love like Christ. Live like Christ. Love is a hard thing and love is an easy thing. Sometimes we carelessly give it away when we shouldn't and sometimes we keep it when it's not ours to keep. 

  Look at people the way Christ does and love them. That is what I am trying to do each day. Just to Love.

    Loving like Christ,

   HIS and yours,

      Cami

Growth Demands Surrender

"Growth demands a temporary surrender of security" -Gail Sheehy. 

Well this is my first blog post from Tanzania. I've been away from home for almost a month and in Tanzania for a little over two weeks now. How crazy good is God. I am learning and growing each day. Some days are harder than others, but in each day there is a lesson to learn and I am beginning to see that.

Since being in Tanzania I have met other missionaries from around TZ with the same heart as mine, to share the gospel and love people, I have stood in the Indian Ocean, I have been in many airports, slowly have been learning to speak Swahili and have been blessed beyond measure by the people around me here. 

Miriam (my ministry partner) and I have yet to begin working, because our Residence Permits have not arrived from the office. So as we wait for those we must wait to meet the people that we have come here to serve. As we wait we have been getting to know the family we are sharing a compound with. They are such a blessing and such a huge help when it comes to learning Swahili and the culture. They speak English and Swahili so we don't feel completely lost. :) 

God has been teaching me so many things. One of the main things comes from Jonah 2:8 "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs."  I have learned that I have a habit of clinging to things that tend to keep me from serving the Lord fully. It's crazy that I have to be 8000 miles away from home to see that. But even the things that are good in my life become idols and interfere with my service to God. One is my family and letting God hold them in His hands, especially while I am here. Also friends and comforts of home. I never thought that I would cling to a hot shower or being able to just drink water from a faucet the way I did when I first arrived. The silliest things are things that have held me back. It's crazy to see that I measure my life on all the things I have rather than all the things I have given away. 

There are so many things I have to let go of, that each day I find something new that I want to hold onto and God keeps telling me "Child, let me hold this for you, Let me have this, so that you may walk in My way, in My Light." And each day is a surrender. And I have realized that that is something our culture is so keen on. All the things we have. that is what makes a person. We look at all the things a person gives away and think how great they are for giving, but how much does that person give compared to how much they keep?

"How different our standard is from Christ's. We ask how much a man gives. He asks how much he keeps" -Andrew Murray.

And in these past two weeks I see that I give little and keep much. Where I should keep little and give much, because I have been blessed with much. So each day for me is learning a new way of giving more. And I guess that is my challenge to you. to give more and keep less. 

Whether that is giving more of your time to others. giving more of your things to others. Giving without expecting anything in return. Giving freely, because God has blessed many of us with much, and I believe and am learning that these blessings I must give.

So as my journey progresses here in Tanzania I hope that I learn how to give more and keep less. 

   Trying to Surrender More,

  HIS and yours,

    Cami 

He is Greater

He is greater. He is greater. He is greater.

This is what I have been repeating to myself over and over again since orientation began and ended. He is greater. It seems that since I've departed home the enemy has done a good job at attacking my weaknesses. It's getting really frustrating lately. The main thing he has been using to distract me is missing home. Now I am sincerely and truly close with my family. I started missing them the minute I got on that plane. But I've done this so many times I wasn't worried about it. But now still being in the U.S. and not departing for Tanzania until Monday, it has caused me to miss home more. Because I'm still in America and I feel as if I am not doing anything. So the enemy has been flooding me with thoughts of home and tears and it has just been tiresome. Because I love my family and it's inevitable that I am going to miss them, but I want to get to Tanzania and start in on the ministry that God has so graciously called Miriam and I too. These idle hands are tired of sitting around and wondering what family and friends are doing back at home.


So He is greater has become a sort of chant in my head every morning I wake up and throughout the day. To constantly remind myself that HE is greater. "the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." I think all too often people don't talk about or address the heartache that comes with missions work or ministry work at all. Whether it's traveling overseas or working with youth groups or whatever it maybe, a burden gets put on your heart and big one, and sometimes that burden causes you to leave the things behind that you don't necessarily want to or ever thought you would have to. But that is the Cost of the Cross. You see, the cost is greater than what anyone ever talks about. But it says so in the world. We must lay down our lives, leave our families, we must go, and take up our cross and follow Him.

And yet the enemy is very clever at finding the things that are hardest to leave behind and using that against. Finding the weakness in missing home, in our questions, in our lives. The enemy is smart, there  is no denying that, he has been around a long long time, more than any of us. he knows this world well, because he has been cast down into it for so long. Knowing what makes humanity tick, and change and how to cause issues. And yet God is so much greater than him. God has it taken care of, God has already prepared the way. And sometimes there are times when we will question and wonder, and that is okay. But we must seek God even when we think everything is going smoothly. We must seek God even when things are going wrong. Seek Him at all times. Because He is greater than the enemy.

Better yet God knows the enemy better than any one of us. We can not best, we can not fight this enemy alone, only God can help us. So yes, I've been struggling in this waiting period. Trying to patient, trying to remember that what I am doing is for Christ and it is what He has called me to do in this season of my life. despite what people tell me, despite the lies the enemy tries to put in my head. This is where I belong. and I will continue to chant "He is greater. He is greater. He is greater." Because I believe and I want to keep believing, but also I want the enemy to see it. Not only in my life, but in the life of the ministry that God has called me to. because He is greater.

Whatever you are struggling with, whatever doubts or lies the enemy is sneaking in from your weakness. Take it to God, tell Him about it, because in our weakness He is strong, and in that strength He overcomes the enemy... Every time. He is GREATER!


Serving the GREATEST God,



 HIS and yours,


    Cami

Twenty Two to Tanzania; today is a new beginning

Today is the day.

Today I turn twenty-two.

Today I board a plane to begin my journey to Tanzania.

Today is a step forward into a new life, into the life that God has for me.

I have prayed, packed, said goodbyes, prayed, repacked, cleaned, talked, cried, showered, and prayed some more. It seems like time has flown by so fast, this summer feels like a blur and so do all my goodbyes.

But today is about more than just the day. It's about the journey and new beginnings and being able to see for the first time in my life that I am different, that I am called to be the hands and feet of Christ, and that does not make me weird, or strange, or an outcast. Actually quite the opposite, even though at times I feel unwelcome and rejected in this world. God has taken me and brought me into His family and his loving arms.

The crazy thing about this is that through all the struggles and frustrations and happiness and emotions God has brought people into my life and taken people out of it. He has made me see the blessings he has given me, through a random interaction with another missionary on Twitter to long phone conversations from friends at Northwestern, to my family helping me calm my nerves and surprising me, to seeing who is truly there and who God has placed around me as support. And it's awesome. I am so blessed!

Today is a day that I stop looking behind me, stop thinking about what could have been and start thinking about what is now, what God needs me to do and calls me to do. I still believe that I am unworthy for this, but God often used the worthless things, He does not call the equipped but equips the called. And I think that if I thought I was worthy enough to do this, than I would be doing the wrong thing, or the right thing for the wrong reasons.

So my flight leaves in 5 hours and i don't know if I will be getting any sleep. but I just want to thank God and all the people who have been there for me since I mentioned the word Africa! To my mom and my dad and my sisters and brother. my aunts and uncles, my entire church family.to every person who supported me financially and prayerfully to Kelsey, Sam, Danielle, Valor, Jeremy, Adam, Michael, Dan, Sean, Gee, Kate, Kristie, Jean-Jean, Megan, Leslie, Julie, Tj, Laura, Michelle, Laura, Lindsey, Anna, Charlotte, Amanda, Kayli, Nanner, Mario, Amy, Jason, Chelsea, Monsma, Chris, Ray, Hayley, Ben, Asher, Ashley, Val, Sadie, Becca, Jenna, Katie, Greta, Darlene, All the girls and two boys that went to Uganda with me, and so so so many many more people. (If I named all of them we would be here FOREVER!) To women and men on twitter I don't even know who have been praying and talking with me. I just love the way God has, is, and continues to use people in my life. It blows my mind.

I use to think that I wasn't worth anything. I constantly felt rejected by friends and by people in this world. because I didn't laugh at the same things they did, because I didn't get there jokes, because I didn't want to go out and do the things they did, because I dressed differently, because the things that I wanted to do never wanted to match up with the things everyone else wanted to do. But I have realized that I am worth so much more to HIM. that the world can call me worthless and people can reject me, but people's opinions are not important compared to Jesus. I am second next to HIM and I pray that I become more like HIM, that the world see's HIM. He says in HIS word that they will hate me, because they hated Him first, but I can take heart because He has overcome the world!

Life could not be any sweeter. God is calling us all to step out. We all have struggles and difficulties, whatever they may be, it's inevitable we are sinful human beings. But God takes us and tell us that we are worth something and that He has more for us than what we believe or even imagine. And when we take that step, that leap of faith. there is no telling where it may take us.

Might even be halfway around the world to a country called Tanzania. :)


  Soon to be Boarding a Jet Plane,



 HIS and yours,

     Cami

He calls you. He's faithful. He'll do it.

It's crazy. Life. It just is. It's an up and down roller coaster of good and bad, mistakes and grace, constantly learning and teaching and never giving up. It's crazy.

I've realized one journey has ended this past May as I graduated college, and life has never felt more crazy. For a while I got home and just laid around my house thinking, now what? At times I felt like that person in the footprints poem. Like I was walking all alone, when God told me that He would always be by my side.

A month and half ago I remember sitting with someone and talking about my journey to Tanzania. Crying and doubting and thinking that it wasn't what I was suppose to. I didn't feel God near me, I couldn't hear Him. I was so frustrated, why at this critical point would He decide to be silent. It wasn't until someone said "Don't do it. Don't go. It doesn't seem right anyway." That I realized I had been drowning God's voice out with everyone else opinions, with everyone else's thoughts.

So I left that conversation, with no funds raised and with no idea what to do and I sat down in my room at home and just talked. "Okay God if this is what you want, let's do it. No doubting. No fear. I will wholeheartedly, without holding anything back enter into this journey, if it is what You want for my life. If this is my calling, then You'll provide, You'll guide, and I'll get to where you want me, despite what others may believe, doubt, or think." And that was that. And here I sit, with almost all my funds raised, a support and prayer team like no other, and 12 days until I board a plane to this new journey of my life.

It's unbelievable, and surreal to think that i have less than two weeks until I leave home, and yet in my heart I know that I am not meant to do anything else. That this is what He has called me to do. Even through the thoughts and doubt the enemy put into my head, God came through, like He always does, He came though carrying me.

Through it, He closed many doors, with a relationship that I really wanted to happen, and with friends I thought were a big part of my life, and jobs that wanted to keep me here at home. But He opened doors with an amazing ministry partner that I will get to spend the next 9 months with, showed me that a relationship is not in this journey, showed me my real friends who are willing to call, to write, to text, to drive as much as possible to see me. and most of all He showed me that He is faithful.

I think that is what scares us to go. Because really the doors that have to close in order for us to move on to where God wants us are typically things that we desperately cling and chase after. Yet they are not what God wants for us, so instead of pushing us closer to Him, they pull us further away. We think that the moment those doors close we will never recieve the desires of our heart. We'll never get that dream job, that certain group of friends, or the significant other. But the truth is, having those doors closed is the most rewarding and perfect thing that could ever happen to us.

When we allow God to carry us, when we allow those doors to close, we allow God to move in our hearts. and that is how heroes are made. They are made because they are moved, not in their heads but in their hearts. They are moved to action, to faith, and to love and service. When those doors close, better ones open, even if it doesn't seem like it. When we allow ourselves to walk through those open doors, our desires and our goal become more like Christ, and our lives improve beyond measure. Allowing our lives to reflect Christ is not a loss, but a gain.

It's scary, but God knows the desires of our heart, and when we trust in Him, when we lean on Him, when we let Him carry us, His desires and our desires will become one. Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart." Allow those doors to close, because if it's not helping you grow closer to God, then it needs to go. He is calling you to a new life, a better life, a life with Him. Don't let that go for something that is a fleeting moment. Because people and things come and go, but Jesus comes and stays, for all eternity.

Step out. Feel lead to do ministry. Go. feel called to go overseas. Go. feel lead to change your major. Go. feel called to move, anywhere, anyplace. Go. He's calling us, seek Him, Find Him and Go.

Right now those doors in my life have shut and for a long time I have stood and stared at this open door, scared out of my mind. But I've taken a good look at myself in the mirror because I know the moment that I get on that place, the moment that I walk through that door, I will never be the same.

And that is something I can live with. Because He has called me, and He has been faithful, and He'll provide for this journey and the many more to come.


Walking through that open door,


HIS and yours,


    Cami



"the One who calls you is faithful and He will do it." -1 Thessalonians 5:24

As the Leaves Change, so do I

This entire summer has been a whirlwind, I have no idea where the time has gone and words cannot even begin to describe the emotional roller coaster I have been on, but through it all. Through happiness, sadness, frustration, laughter, tears, God has been faithful and continues to be.

A lot of change has taken place these past four months. Not only in the beauty of the fall leaves gracing the trees, but in the beauty of God's love and faithfulness gracing my heart.

I can say I didn't realize the amount of change until I made my way back to Northwestern. A trip I had been looking forward to for a long time, to see my friends, the people I love dearly, and who hold a piece of my heart. But upon arriving I felt scattered and out of place. I felt like I was in everyone's way, people trying to do homework, or hang out with their friends that were still in school. I felt like I was just a burden. And I realized that life keeps moving even when I'm not around. Leaves continue to fall even when I do not want them to. Tears were normal, unexpected news and heartache were themes of the weekend. And I left that place feeling more changed than when I arrived.

Seeing my old friends was tough, especially realizing that it may be the last time I ever see them again. I was so upset with myself, because I went there with a mindset of everything I wanted to tell every single person that I saw. What they meant to me, how they have impacted me. But I failed. I never told anyone, anything and I regret that. I regret not sharing my heart and I do not know if I will ever get the opportunity again.

And yet a big part of me was relieved that I didn't share my heart. Because deep down I know that there are certain things I had to tell certain people that would have change the course of our friendship, and in leaving for Tanzania in 9 months, I didn't want to ruin a friendship, so I left it alone. But in doing so God taught me more about change. More about who I am.

I kept looking at these people I love; My roommate in South Dakota, my friends at Northwestern, The girls I spent Labor Day weekend with, my family, all those who have taken the time to call me, to talk to me, to visit me, to pray with me. I looked at them and then to God and said "I am leaving all to follow you, I am leaving ALL to follow you, God." Everything I know, everyone I love, I am leaving behind. And then I read this; "I tell you the truth, no one who had left home or wife, or brothers, or parents, or children for the sake of the Kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and in the age to come of eternal life" -Luke 18:29-30.

Then it hit me. I have to leave all. I have to go forward. I must move on. Not forget, but move on. Because the leaves cannot change again, without first leaving the branch. And I have realized that I must leave this branch of my life, my home and family and friends. Because with it as I fall, I will rise with Christ and just like the spring, breath new life.

It's been a struggle to say goodbye and to realize that I may return home with fewer friends, but it's been a blessing to know that I will leave and return with the same God, always and forever, because He is my eternal vine. In two short weeks I will leave Iowa to embark on the journey of my life. I don't know where it will take me exactly and what is to come, but I know I am safe in the arms of God. I know that whatever happens, with me and with friends and with family. That God has provided this far, that He has made a way for me to go to Tanzania for 9 months, and that if this wasn't where my life was headed, he would have shut the door. But the door is still there, standing wide open and I must walk through. This door is not for anyone else but me. More and more I am becoming okay with that. More and more I know that the only way to live my life is to leave all and follow Him.

So I may have left many things unsaid, I may be frustrated with the things I didn't do. But right now all I can do is move forward. Move on and remember and continue to love those I am leaving. It's hard and painful, but it is my calling, it is my life. And if I were to abandon this call, if I were to abandon my God, than my life would have no meaning, because the only meaning there is, is to leave all and follow HIM.



Na Mungu Pendo (With God's Love),


HIS and yours,

   Cami