Afraid of Fear

I am afraid of fear.

Okay, I realize how contradicting that sounds, but really think about it. It makes sense does it not? Afraid of fear. We are constantly told not to be afraid, to buck up and get going. But the truth is fear is always around, is always there and it's something that I am afraid of.

I'm afraid that fear will cripple me, that it will keep me from doing the things God has called me to do. And then I realized that I constantly tell myself to not be afraid of fear, and what do I end up doing. Fearing.

I got a message from a man named Michael, who I met in Uganda last summer. This man, to me, was the epitome of fearless, he preached on the radio, he'd wake up in the morning and take the bota bota into the city and preach on the street corner, he sang worship songs to God when we were digging together. God taught me so much through this man. How to be fearless when it comes to living my life for God. His message came at a perfect time, a time when I was fearing where God was leading me, questioning Him if this is what He really wanted me to do, but I know it was my flesh telling me to run the other way, to hide behind the fear and tell myself there is no way I can do this. But then I got this message, this is what is said "God's grace will never let you down. No matter what it is, you will see God standing by your side. He cares for you, so be strong. (Isa 41:10)."

 So after reading the message I went and looked up the verse in my Bible and this is the verse "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not dismay for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." And then I laughed, seriously I laughed out loud, because God's timing is never too late and is always at the time when I think that I am losing it. With Him I have no reason to fear.

With Him everything happens perfectly and on His time, not my own. It was shortly after that message that I received my assignment for Tanzania, a new ministry partner, and my budget for the trip. God is pretty amazing. He will lead us through the valley of the shadows of darkness, but with Him we have nothing to be afraid of. Even the trivial things of the world are not scary with the Lord. It's pretty cool to be able to see that not only in my own life, but in the lives of others.

Now all my life I've told myself "don't be afraid." And it is only now that I'm realizing how stupid that is. Don't be afraid, is like saying, "don't move out of the way when someone tries to punch you" or "don't flinch at the heat oa a fire" or "don't blink." Don't be human. I'm afraid and you're afraid and we're all going to be afraid, because that's the point, it's bound to happen. What we should be telling ourselves is be afraid but do it anyway, live anyway. And know that God is there with us, guiding us my the right hand, keeping those things, that so easily make us scared, at bay.

Life does not play fair, it's tough and there are many things that are going to frighten us, but we can't let those things keep us from living the life that God has laid out for us. Yes challenge will come, whether that be leaving your friends and family to move away to a place God wants you, whether it comes with just accepting the fact that we are not perfect, whatever those things are, God will take care of us, He will never leave nor forsake us. (Hebrews 13:5).

"Our goal should be to live life in radical amazement... get up in the morning and look at the world in a way that takes nothing for granted. Everything is phenomenal; everything is incredible; never treat life casually. To be spiritual is to be amazed" -Abraham Joshua Heschel. This is the way I want to live my life, radically amazed, not letting fear way me down. I no longer want to be afraid of fear. Things are going to frighten me, but the courage I have in Christ outweighs anything or anyone that tries to tear me down with fear. And in that I am fearless.


  Trying to live Fearless for God,


  HIS and yours,


     Cami

What am I even doing?

To be honest it's been a rough couple of months of summer. I haven't been able to get a job, because at the time of applying for these jobs I wasn't going to be around for very long so no one wanted to higher me. I haven't got to spend as much time with people as I would have liked or hoped for. I miss a lot of people from school, I think it's because I won't be returning. And the one thing I was sure of, the only thing I've been sure of is now up in the air. 

It's hard to explain when people ask me what I'm feeling because I don't really know. I don't know how I feel, I don't know how I'm suppose to feel, and I don't know what I'm doing. Basically I just don't know. 

Somedays I just want to be out in the world traveling and learning and searching for what ever it is God is trying to teach me. And other days, most days, I sleep, or want to sleep all day because I can't seem to find or hear the answers or the path God wants me on right now. It's like there's a fork in the road and I'm staring at the sign post confused and frustrated not knowing which way I am to go. 

So. here it goes. I will lay it all out right here. So it's written down and I can see it for myself and maybe then. just maybe I can find something in these words. 

I'm struggling. Struggling is a hard word to use because it means I'm weak, I'm tired, and I just don't know. Struggling with many things. One big thing is going to Tanzania. I never thought I would be saying this and maybe it's just me being ornery or not seeking God long enough on this choice before making it. But right now it's all up in the air. A part of me feels like I was hasty in making this decision. Don't get me wrong, most of the time I can't get out of my head how much I want to return to Africa, to the people, to the land, to the culture. But it's been a different and strange feeling lately. One of unknowing, one that keeps checking me into a wall. One that says, it is not time. Which is weird because I thought I got accepted into the organization and assign to a place, but it seems like time is the thing that has been working against me. Timing of lots of things. 

Timing on paperwork, timing of emails, timing of leaving, timing of life. Time, it's a nasty thing; we only have so much of it. But maybe when I look at it, Tanzania is not the place for me. It's not the place where I can best serve people, but more importantly where I can serve God. Honestly it hurts to say that but it's something I've been feeling in my heart these past couple weeks. The excitement has died down and the rush of returning to a place I love has become a rush of questions and answers of silence.

I feel more and more that God is changing my heart. and to be honest I've been running the opposite direction lately because I don't want to change. I want things to the same. But that's not an option. I am a college graduate, I'm 21 years old. I am adult it is time things changed. And I can't run away anymore. And if God is changing my heart than I need to be willing to change my plans. because in the end it is God who will determine where I go. Proverbs 16:9 says that clear enough; "In his heart a man plans is course, but the Lord determines where he will go." 

This is not an easy thing to write and not an easy thing to understand. A big part of me feels that there is something else I am needed to do. Where or when I don't know, but in my heart I know that I will not be ready to leave for Tanzania in October, without figuring out what it is that God is teaching me and wanting me to do. In my heart, a small part of me, the part that i so easily ignore has been telling me that I most likely will not be going to Tanzania. But I know it is something I need to pray about. Which is something I haven't been doing a lot anyways. Which could account for my lack of hearing and lack of listening. 

There's also the fact that people have come into my life who I am not ready to leave. I don't know what that means and I don't know why they are here in my life now of all times. It always seem inconvenient to me but maybe it means that is convenient for the Lord to use them. Whatever it is I know I need to open myself up to whatever God is trying to do right now. It just hard. To be ready to go somewhere but not feel happy about it. I don't want to just go to Tanzania because I have no other options, I want it to be what God wants for me. 

I know He won't leave me alone in this drought. But sometimes we must thirst to the point where we ask for water. And I'm asking God for a storm. I know He will guide me in the direction He wants me. "Ant the Lord shall guide you continually and satisfy you in drought and in dry places and make strong your bones. And you shall be like a watered garden and like a spring of water whose waters fail not." -Isaiah 58:11.

It's not easy being the one who questions, but with questions comes answers and with answers comes growth and understanding. And that is what I need. I know God does not close one door with out opening another. I just need to be patient enough to wait for His door to open and not my own. And I know that my strength alone will never be enough, that He is the only that can carry me through. And I know He will give me those people in my life I need right now to talk to me and support me in whatever decision God leads me to make. Right now it's just a matter of waiting and of patience for God to open up that door and lead me through. 

And if you're reading this for some reason or another, I hope that in your quest for answers to where and what you are suppose to do, look to Him, He comes through every time, even if it's not on our time.

  Seeking, Searching, and Waiting,

 HIS and yours,

   Cami

"Live a Good Story."

"Live a Good Story..."

these four words have become sort of a statement in my life. The first time I heard this was while I was in Haiti, I don't remember how it came about but this amazing person and a awesome friend named Michael said it one night while we were all talking and it has kind of just stuck with me since. That and the constant pestering of every time I didn't want to get out and do something or turned something down out of fear, i could hear him saying this either to me or in my head. So it's definitely stuck around.

I find myself constantly thinking about what it even means to "Live a Good Story" and I'm still discovering what it might mean, it's not like a YOLO or whatever that thing is, but it is something different, something deeper, something that only Christ can truly give us. A Good Story.

If I'm honest I've always thought my story sucked. Coming from an aspiring writers perspective I am overly and horribly critical of myself. I always know I can do better, be better, and I always seem to be trying to edit the story of my life the way I edit the stories on my word document. And I realize that in writing I can't go through and edit my stories while I write because it completely ruins my plot lines and that's exactly what I have learned in real life. I can't go through trying to edit the story God has written out for me because all I am going to do is ruin the plot.

But really I am constantly grabbing the pen out of His hand. I was talking to a friend on the phone yesterday and he asked me how everything was going on preparing for Tanzania. I said it was good just a lot of paperwork. But he knows that I am still a little discouraged because I desperately wanted to go back to Uganda. He mentioned a conversation we had a few months ago about where I would go and I told him it would be between Uganda and Tanzania, and with all my heart I wanted to return to Uganda, the first place to grab my heart. And he told me he knew in that moment that I would be going to Tanzania because it wasn't the one I wanted, but it was what God has for me.

And he was absolutely right, seeing as in 3 short months I will head overseas to this foreign place. And truthfully I still struggle with it. I am so excited and I'm ready but I am constantly fighting with the world and our society. (I am a Sociology major so society just bugs me sometimes) The message that keeps getting sent to me has just been weighing me down and giving me such a cloud over my excitement. The message of "You're just a child, you have no idea what you're doing, you'll never be good enough, you're never gonna raise that money, Africa, why? are you serious? you should be getting married not traveling overseas." These words just float around in my head constantly and it has been hard to silence them.

Until that phone conversation when he said "Cami, live a good story" I hadn't thought of those words in awhile. And once they were out there, bouncing around in my ears and floating through my head I thought letting these words control my thoughts and weigh me down is not living a good story. not going out and enjoying the time i have with family and friends for this short amount of time, is not living a good story. it's not living God's story.

He has so many plans already written out for them and I have to stop trying to reorganize them and just let everything play out the way He has prepared it for me. No I'm not crazy and yes I am a child, but God say's to have a child like faith. It's true I have no idea what I am doing but God does and He's going with me of course. I am enough, God tells me everyday even when I disagree and the money will come through in some miraculous awesome God way, because it always does. I am serious and yeah maybe there are people who believe I should be searching for that person I'm going to marry, but honestly who knows maybe i've already met him, maybe I'm not suppose to be married, maybe that guy will come along next month, or ten years from now, but really I'm not worried because this journey right now is what God has written out and it is what I shall follow.

You see I may be a writer, but God is the ultimate writer, ultimate author, editor, publisher of my life and I think it's better if I let it stay that way. So as I wait for the next pen stroke I pray. Pray that He will lead my heart where it is suppose to be regarding matters I have been struggling with. That He will provide an amazing ministry partner, and that He will give me and surround me with people from home, from church, from school and in Tanzania that will encourage and uplift me. I know God's got it taken care of, so for now I am just going to "Live a Good Story" ...God's story.

Putting down the pen,


HIS and yours,

    Cami

Mistakes

I embody Romans 7:14-24; and it's not a scripture one really wants to embody. But I know if this scripture was in the dictionary my face would be the definition. Sometimes I feel that no matter how much good I do for the Lord, the evil I do, the sin that so easily entangles me out weighs it all.

Maybe that's why I feel the way I do. I constantly feel like I'm at war with myself; "For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members." Romans 7:22-23.

And I realized this morning on my 6 am bike ride why I've felt so broken, why sin has so easily entrapped me. Because I've been trying to do things all by myself, because I think it makes me stronger. For instance  I cannot become physically strong without the help of certain things; weights, my bike, and so on. I need these things to aid me in what I do and with their help, in the end I will come out stronger than I was before.

My life needs that with God. I cannot become strong on my own, I can't win any battle alone, I will always need His word, His guidance, His presences, and with Him, and only with Him will I come out stronger.

I always think I can get along on my own, but as I look back on my life I realize my weakest, most destructive moments was when I was depending on myself and my strongest and best moments came when I was depending on God.

We live in a culture that is extremely individualistic, that is all about number one and who can make the most money, and that you can't depend on others because it makes you weak. But it is false, its all wrong. Depending on God doesn't make you weak, it makes you incredibly strong. With God all things are possible, alone nothing is possible...

I am not prefect by any means, not even close. I'm still growing, I still make mistakes. I still have moments of individuality, moments of brokenness and I wouldn't want anyone to think otherwise. Faith and dependence on God isn't and overnight, one-stop destination, It's a life time, non-stop journey.

We're going to mess up, make mistakes, we are sinful by nature but we have a loving and grace giving God and He is the only one who can rescue us. No matter what people preach at you about going it alone, we all need our God. That emptiness we feel inside of us cannot be filled by the things of this world. It was made specifically to be filled by the Lord of all. He gives us the choice to fill it with Him or worldly things. But the worldly things will only continue to make us weaker, where God will makes us strong. Yet the choice is ours.

It's not easy and we are bound to mistakes, but those mistakes help us grown and teach us what it takes to depend on God and keep our faith always. I am praying that I continue to learn how to strengthen myself in the Lord and flee the evil desires. He gives us a choice and all we have to do is choose. What we do with these lives that our freely given to us is important and I want to take mine and give it to the Lord and live it shining is light and sharing is love.


Strengthening myself in the Lord,

HIS and yours,


  Cami

My Heart.

Broken...

How do I start this.

I am so broken. I am so frustrated. so angry. so irked. so impatient. so anxious. so worried. so scared. so excited. so broken.

Lately I have had many ups and downs to my moods because frankly at the moment life has been tough to handle. There are so many emotions swimming around in my skull they seems to be flooding me one by one, so one day I can be completely happy and the next I can be a complete crank and right now all I can think to do is let them all settle down inside of me and move on from there.

But what I've realized the most is how worthless I am. No really, I don't need a speech about how you do so much and you are so strong and all this. I can't handle that right now, what I need is an honest, you're right... you are worthless, you can't do anything, you are a broken and lost human being. I know it, I see it in myself everyday. Every day I look in that mirror and think you've got nothing to give this world or anybody. Every day I realize that by myself I've got nothing, I am worth nothing. I am a lost and broken human being.

It's something that has hit me more recently. I let people in to easily. Because I love on people to easily. I see the good in everybody. Everybody but myself. It's so hard when people constantly look at you like you do all these amazing things and i read your blog and you're faith is so strong and you've got it all figured out. but I don't and I don't think I ever will. My faith is so small and I constantly let myself get in the way of that and it's a constant battle, one that i have to keep fighting daily but i don't want people to see. Because people, let's face it... they don't really care, every one is always worried about number one. It's hard to be that person that genuinely cares about others, but never gets anything in return, it's how I constantly get hurt. Friends who don't stay in contact because... "well it's not convenient" and I've realized that a lot of my friendships wouldn' exist if i didn't keep in contact. And it is so frustrating to know that people don't care about you unless you're conveniently standing right in front of them. How cruddy is that? honestly.


It's been tough lately, since finding out that I am going to Tanzania for a year I have never been more excited, and yet that excitement has been torn down by the way people have pulled away from me. Friends, family, people I thought would stand next to me, become closer to me. They get angry with me, which makes me angry with them in return and then I'm just a cranky person, which isn't me, not in the least. or i see all these "i miss you" posts, and yet I haven't heard a single thing from anyone. and yet than it makes me stubborn waiting for someone... just ONCE... once... to email me, text me, message me, call me. first. Just once. and yet... I'm still waiting.

I guess what I've realized is, is that I don't have it all together and I am never ever in control, and sometimes... or most times it's frustrating and makes me impatient. But I am a broken human being, prone to make mistakes, yet for some reason Jesus still holds on to me. And i hold on to Him, because He's all I've got, He's all I'll ever have. It doesn't make sense at all holding on to something I can't see and yet, He's the only one that knows me, knows my weakness, my strengths, my imperfections. The only one that has called me first. He called me to Him. He made the first move, to take me from my old self and cleanse me. To give me the heart I have now, the sensitive, loving, sometimes impatient and frustrated heart. To teach me to love people no matter how hard, to do things without asking for anything in return. And it's hard. it's so hard, because I am a broken human being. But He's working on me. He's making me whole. I just take a lot longer than other people. so for now I feel broken but I also feel a lot of hammering and chiseling going on in my heart. and I'm going to keep following Him even if that means no one is with me. He's all I have, He is all any of us have, even if we don't believe, even if we don't see. He's with us. Always. to the very end of the age.

Broken and Seeking.



HIS and yours,


 Cami

Tanzania; from one journey to the next.

Tanzania.

That word has been floating around my brain since the 12th of May. Tanzania. I've been sitting on this post for quite sometime because frankly I haven't had the words to describe the feelings I have and the amazement I have for my God. Tanzania, WOW. I guess you can see that I got my assignment as well as my ministry partner. I don't know her name, but I am praising Jesus that he has blessed me with a sister in Christ to spend the next year of my life with. From just finishing college to moving to another country, God's plans never cease to surprise me and fill me with so much joy. I am so ready for this.

I've been reading through old journals lately since coming home after graduating college, it's weird and yet hilarious to see all the trivial things I worried over even just a month ago. And yet God has been faithful through it all, has carried me through the struggles and held my hand through the joys. He has always been there even the times I didn't feel him or didn't hear him, He's constantly been there and always will be. It's crazy to think how He continues to move me, I think He knows that my heart is everywhere and just wants to be with so many people. So He keeps moving and I keep following, and this path is leading me to Tanzania. (I wish you all could see the smile on my face).

Now this decision comes with some hardships, but it wouldn't be trusting in Him and having faith if I didn't have to let go of the things. A big part of me wanted to return to Uganda, really bad, and when I told my amazing friend Michael that I was going to Tanzania, his encouraging words were "I know you wanted Uganda, but I know God's got a plan for you." And those six words "God's got a plan for you," helped me realize that no matter where I go, and no matter what I'm doing, it's for God and it will never be in vain.

I'm also leaving three months earlier than I had planned, which means less time with my family and friends now, which is tough, I just got home and soon I'll be packing up and leaving and moving on. But the truth is I can't see myself doing anything else. This is where my heart is, helping God's people and it's taking me overseas, away from what I know is comfortable. But Christ doesn't call us to be comfortable, He calls us to become uncomfortable, to get into the nitty gritty of things, to go out to the destitute and love them, to pick up our cross, cast out our fear, and follow after Him.

I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm ready. I'm waiting. This time right now is to become prepared, to dig deeper in my relationships with friends and family, but more importantly to dig deeper into my relationship with God, because when I leave here, He is the only foundation I've got. I am scared and sad to leave my family and friends. but I keep remembering to breathe in the Hope I have in the Lord and to breathe out my fear. Because with Him I can do all things. My strength alone will never be enough.

So right now I'm going to live in the now, soak in every moment I have with my family, take the trips I need to and go and visit my friends around Iowa, in Minnesota, Nebraska, South Dakota, Indiana, Canada, Philadelphia, and so on. Cause I don't know when I will see them again and I want each and every one of them how much I love them and how much they have blessed my life. And to let them know that I am here for them, though I'll be in another country, my heart is with them and so is my love.  "Jesus said present time is where you live your life. heart open, each moment. no past- future worry- just loving in the now" -Ann Freeman Price. So that's what I'm going to do.

Love Recklessly, Follow Freely, and Shine Christ.

In awe of our God,

   HIS and yours,

   Cami



"Let me not pray to be sheltered from the dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved, but hope for the patience to win my freedom. Grant me that I may not be a coward, feeling Your mercy in my success alone; but let me find the grasp of You hand in my failure" -Rabindranath Tagone.