from this day forward...

I will make a difference.
Jesus, I thank You that You suffered and died for me on the cross to pay for my sins. Father, I thank You that You raised Jesus from the dead to be my living Lord and Savior. Holy Spirit, I thank You that You will lead me to do the right thing and change my world. Today, Lord, I want to make You a promise. I will not be ashamed of Your name or Your Gospel. I will do what I can for those who are persecuted and pray for them. I will look enemies in the eye and love them with Your love. I will pray for them and love them-- no matter what the consequences. I will follow Your voice wherever You lead me, unafraid, for I know You will be with me. If I should stumble, if I fall, if I should deny Your name, if I should feel guilty that I did not pray or forgot to do something You've asked me to do, I will not quit. I will not wallow in guilt. i will turn back to You, confess my sin, and do what You called me to do, because that is why You died for me. I will stand with You and my brothers and sisters around the world, because no matter what happens, no matter what I face or how it looks, in the end, we will be victorious- we will inherit eternity and heaven with You. I can do nothing else, because
... I am am Your daughter, a radical lover of the One and Only King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

Stronger

Best way to describe how I am feeling.
Stronger By: Mandisa
Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ...

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

It all sounded so easy.

It all sounded so easy at the beginning of this year. School. Friendships. Africa. Graduating. Now, I just don't know anymore.

This has probably been one of my toughest years yet. Friendships have gone south and at times I think there is no way I can save them. Africa is probably something that has my heart on edge. I can't wait to be there and yet it seems every time I turn around I have to have more and more money. Money that I don't even have. It's frustrating and has me at tears more often than not. And then the idea of changing my major pops into my head, because I haven't been able to write in so long and I feel like my writing isn't improving or going anywhere. But if I do that, I might not be able to graduate next year and that means an extra year, and that means more money that my family doesn't have. Yeah I always hear it will get better, but at this moment it feels as if it can only get worse from here.

At these moment is typically where I say... "And this is where my Faith comes in..." My Faith, the thing that has been shifted, tormented, broken, shook, tattered, lost, found, weakened, strengthened. My Faith has been tested and tested and tested. Over and Over again. I'm hanging on to the train of His robe, crying out, apologizing for the sinful human I am. I don't know what to do or where to go. and I know I must trust in Him. The hardest part is I don't believe it. at least not right now. I'm being honest, I'm being real. I don't believe that all the TRUST in the world can get me through all of this. It is not something I can explain, because it's unexplainable.

I am thinking someday I'm going to look back on this day and laugh at it with the Lord. Because deep down in my heart I know that He is going to pull me through this. It's not that I don't believe in Him, I don't believe in myself. I don't believe that I will have enough patience to wait on Him, to cry out to Him until He answers. Because I am an impatience, selfish, uncaring, human being. I am ashamed of who I am and I admit that flat out. I admit that I am jealous of the attention my brother gets from my parents, I am ashamed of how little I appreciate all that my parents have sacrificed to "just get by" for our family. I'm ashamed of what a terrible friend and sister I am. I am ashamed of what I constantly clog my mind and heart with. But most of all I am ashamed that I don't believe in myself enough. Because God believes in me and loves me with all His heart. He sacrificed more than anything for my life to be a testimony to Him. And right now my life is worth nothing. It is no testimony. It's just a picture of a girl just "trying to get by."

but God is not calling me to just get by. He is calling me to give up everything. I constantly talk about it. Giving up everything, but I realize how much I hang on to compared to how much I give up. I told someone once that I wish I could just be in Heaven with God now. They responding saying, well if you are in Heaven now than how are people going to experience God's love without one of His followers there to share it. And that's when I realized something. God has granted me the privilege to live this life, He has given me a choice to live the way I want and yet He calls me to Him, even when I ignore Him. This life is mine to live or mine to give up. And right now I just want to "live" to "just get by." But the better choice is to give it up. All of it. The happiness, the love, the anger, the pain, the stress, my family, my friends, my dreams, and let Him take control.

He is drawing me near to Him and no matter how much I try to push Him away, He will continue to draw me nearer to Him. Because He loves me. So no matter how many tears I shed, no matter how many times I fail. God has and continues to pick me up. to hold me to a higher standard. to a higher calling. His calling. And even through what I am feeling right now, I am going to do whatever it takes to respond to that calling, no matter how long it takes, no matter how much it hurts. Take my hand God and guide me. Take me through the river and cleanse me.

"Precious Lord, take my hand.
Lean on me. Let me stand.
I am tired. I am weak. I am worn.
Through the storm.
Through the night.
Lead me on to the light.
Take my hand, precious Lord,
and lead me home."
-Thomas A Dorsev

About a Year Ago... Steps of Faith

It's crazy looking back to a year ago and how much things have changed, how much I have changed.

Around this time a year ago God called me to take a giant step out in my faith. He had been calling me for five months and I followed faithfully, waiting, listening, and praying. He put through testing and taught me how to lean on Him for guidance, protection, and all my answers. Through my listening and crying out to Him, He blessed my life with an amazing person. I was able, for five months, to see this person through the eyes of God. To see how much love God had for this one person was amazing but to see how much love this person had for God now that was indescribable. I was blessed by this person's life and testimony to God and I can't say I've ever met another person like them. I don't know where this person is now, I don't know if they remember me, or if I will ever meet them again. but I know that if I wouldn't have taken that step out in my faith, I would have never known that people like that, warriors of God, lovers of God, really are out there. I will never forget that person and the way God used them to bless my life and to remind me of His faithfulness.

And now here I sit a year later ready to take another step of faith. Not knowing where I am headed or who I will be with, just listening, waiting, and praying that God will guide me in His way. Africa seems like a dream, and yet in a short 48 or so days it will be a reality. My finances aren't all in, I feel as if I am no where near prepared for this journey and yet I know and I am trusting in God, my Provider for everything. Because it will all work out in His perfect timing. And if I have learned anything from a year ago, is that if I step out in faith and obedience, I will be richly blessed. And these blessing are heavenly, no earthly prize could compare to the way my Jesus makes me feel.

"We live by faith and not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7 So I will walk blindly into the place God has called, because He has the best eyes and He has a hold of my hand and will guide me and will always be with me to the end of the age. I know He will provide all I need and more, because He is so Awesome.

Rambles

I don't know what is going on in my brain right now but I can't concentrate.


Surrender means you have to quit doing things your way and do them God’s way — quite a paradigm shift...


Sometimes in the tumult of a testing time, or in even the busy-ness of day to day issues we need to stop our hearts and remind ourselves about God. We need to stop and be at peace, reassured and confident that we are children of the King, that there is an eternal purpose for our efforts and refinements.

Even if we have no answers or any other way to reconcile what is happening to us or around us, we can be secure that God is God, the God of mercy and compassion, love and peace, grace and hope, Jehovah our Provider, Jehovah our Healer, Jehovah our Breakthrough.

Even if we know nothing else we can have hope in Who God Is. He is the same today, yesterday and will be tomorrow. He will never leave or depart us, never abandon us. Our names are written on the palm of his hand, and there are nail scars to reinforce the point.

Be still. Be still. We can stop our mind rushing this way and that way with worries and fears and doubts. We can bring it to obedience, aligning it with the truth found in the Word of God, the truth that reveals Who God is. We can stop the dashing this way and that looking for answers, remembering that our help comes from the Lord, and Is the Lord. We need to be still.

Be still may not even involve praying or worship, just an attitude of heart that when the thoughts creep in that cause the stress and doubt and fears that we just turn our heart towards God. That we know who He is.

Knowing who God is will help immeasurably in the storm and the fire. Knowing His promises for those situations brings hope and faith. It causes trust to rise in our hearts, so we can be still and trust God. This is why knowing the Word is so vital. It strengthens us for the hard road, and refreshes us in the dry place. It teaches us who God is.

Be blessed tonight/today, no matter what you are experiencing in your life and your day, your Lord and Savior knows what is going on and loves you and is with you. Be blessed and be still, and know your God.

"We don't know all the tests God will give you, but we can predict some of them, based on the Bible. You will be tested by major changes, delayed promises, impossible problems, unanswered prayers, undeserved criticism, and even senseless tragedies. In my own life I have noticed that God tests my faith through problems, tests my hope by how I handle possessions, and tests my love through people...When you understand that life is a test, you realize that nothing is insignificant in your life. Even the smallest incident has significance for your character development. Every day is an important day, and every second is a growth opportunity to deepen your character, to demonstrate love, or to depend on God. Some tests seem overwhelming, while others you don't even notice. But all of them have eternal implications."
-Rick Warren in The Purpose Driven Life

Uganda = Two Months

In two short months I will be headed to Uganda. It is crazy how fast the time as flown and yet it hasn't gone fast enough. My joy cannot be explained in my anticipation to be going to serve in an orphanage for the summer. To be able to not only serve my beautiful, amazing God, but to serve His beautiful children as well. I think what is the most exciting things is, that I know that that is where I am suppose to be. My heart as always been in serving and with this summer I get to see if that is where I will stay. Even though I won't be able to stay once the summer ends. Having to come back to school :/ I know I will go back to Africa once I graduate, it may be for a year or two or for the rest of my life. But I know that God is calling me there, at least right now.

And what better time to go. To take this leap of faith. There is nothing holding me down. Nothing holding me back. My family is supportive, my friends are moving on in their lives as well, and there is no other man in my life, beside my God. And He is the one calling me to this place. I can't explain the feelings I have and how hard it is to not be anxious or complacent. But I know that God has asked me to be patient. To wait in His perfect timing, because His plans are epic beyond anything I could ever dream.

The coolest thing about God's call is that it reaches out to everyone who is willing to answer, or asking to be called. And He sends His chosen people everywhere and anywhere. You see God does not need us, we need Him. Yet He asks us to abandon ourselves to His call, to His Kingdom, so that we may inherit a great prize. Better than anything on this earth. So He may not be calling everyone to Africa or Asia or Russia. But He is calling us to work for His kingdom to run this race that He has marked out for us. Even if that means being a missionary in your hometown or in a different state. Or a teacher, a pastor, a businessman, a doctor. The title of your job should not matter, who you serve should. God blessed us with all these gifts and talents to use for His kingdom. But all too many of us get caught up in the green and greed of this world and instead of working towards our heavenly inheritance and serving God. It turns out to be working toward a earthly goal and for an earthly master. One cannot have two masters. Who is yours?


God is calling me to Uganda, maybe just for the summer maybe for the rest of my life. I have so many dreams and ideas of what I want my life to be like. But right now God is asking me to nail those to the cross, to let go of all these things and trust in Him. The truth is though it might be scary at first, I have and still am slowly learning that as I draw nearer to the heart of God, what he desires for me and what I desire are becoming the same things. His plan for my life are like my dreams on steroids. His plan is more than I could ever imagine and whatever it is and whoever I am with i know that my Father in Heaven will be with by always to the end of the age. Because He is my God and I will love Him, worship Him, praise Him, and serve Him with my every being.


HIS and yours,

Cami




"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" -Matthew 25:34-40

Keep Your Eyes Focused on the King, and on No Man.

I've slowly been realizing that my heart does not belong here. It is something that is hard to explain and it is not that I am invested in the people or the school or the family I have. I love them, but God has begun to overtake me, and I love Him so much more than any of these things. My heart does not belong with these people, with this places, but my heart belongs with God. I think the toughest thing is not the revelation of this, but the revelation that it is time to leave my place of comfort behind. God has blessed me with so many people, some I only knew for a short time and some I've known forever, and each one He has used to touch my life in a radical way. But He is calling me to a higher purpose, He is calling me to His heart, He is calling me to His Cave. He has called my name "My Beloved, Cami, come up here, come to me my Daughter." And now is the time to leave it all behind. To not consult my flesh, because I know it will scream at me to stay down, to be careful. But it is no longer time to be a careful, cautious women. It is time to take up a shield of courage and run head on into the army of the Philistine. Into this battle.
It is no longer time to find pleasures in this world. Even as I pray for my future, my career, my future husband, where my path leads. I know where ever I am going God will always be with me, while these people will fade away. He has shown me what He asks of me, and it seems like a lot. But what kind of follower of Christ, what kind of Lover of the King, what kind of Women of God would I be if i took that step back and looked to other men for the answers, instead of, without question ran to where my God is calling me. "Keep your eyes focused on Me daughter, and on no man" He calls me and it is time to stop ignoring Him. It's time to sing song of love for God deep down in my heart, to dance with no shame. David was the premier man when it came to this. He was a man after God's own heart. Today's men and women often shy away from singing songs of love. We shy away from dancing out of sheer delight. But David he sang and danced to the point of becoming undignified for his Beloved, the King. All too many of us shout when our favorite team scores, or cheer when our friends get engaged or get a significant other, but we are silent when our God triumphs, when our God calls on us.
NO MORE. no more SILENCE. He is calling. "Our Jesus has proven His valor, He has proven His great love, and here He stands with nail wounds in His hands and feet and an open spear wound in His side, saying, "Will you partake of Me? Will you come to Me and know Me? Will you rest your head where I rest Mine? Will you allow Me to make you likened unto Myself? Will you allow Me to make you mighty? Allow me to implant Myself inside of your believing heart.
He doesn't need men and women who merely esteem Him as great, but believer who are willing to be made great by His life. Jesus isn't look for men and women who merely agree with His gospel, but believers who are willing to flesh out and actually live His gospel in their daily lives" (Eric Ludy).
You see if your reputation is more important to you that you are unwilling to leave everything behind for Jesus, then you are unworthy to call yourself by His sacred name. If you allow your ambition, your intellect, your wealth, your abilities, your lusts, or your fears to restrain you from offering yourself wholly and completely to God, then you are unworthy to call yourself by His scared name.
The name of Jesus is too precious to be spent on those who degrade it with their attempts to integrate it with their selfish existence. The name of Jesus is for those who are unashamed of Him and for those who venture forth to join in fellowship with him with a burning heart. This radical commitment is not for those who believe that reading the bible once every couple months or talking about purity before marriage constitutes for a relationship with God. This commitment causes a complete shift in everything a person is. In personality, in talk, in action, in friendships.
It's hard, people won't understand, especially those who are close to you, family and especially friends, they won't understand and even if you try to explain they may look at you like you are the weirdest person on earth. But remember and realize that we are not made for this earth and we are not made for these people. We are made to dwell in heaven with our Lord, to worship Him with all of our existence and if that means leaving my friends behind. So be it. I will lay them at the foot of the cross and run without looking back. If that means giving up my desire to be married. So be it. I will lay that at the foot of the cross and run without looking back. If that means giving up my home and comforts to live with the orphans, the widowed, and the poor. So be it. I will lay my comforts at the foot of the cross and run without looking back. Because none of that can compare to the unfailing amount of love my Father in Heaven can give me. No friend, no Family, no Home, no Husband, could ever compare, could ever love me like my God. And that's just that. May I cast all worldly things aside, for my Father's Kingdom to be furthered here and forever more.

His and yours,

Cami




Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so
that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other
people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
- Marianne Williamson