The leaves are shifting colors,
from green to yellow and orange to red. And I feel a shift inside me too. A
sort of falling, like the leaves do. Like finally my limbs are shaking loose
the heaviness and are stretching outward and upward reaching for something
else, reaching for something new, reaching for something that has been there
all along.
Sometimes I feel like I hold too
much inside of me, that all these stories are just crying out to be bound into
pages, but I don’t have the time, and time, it seems, is never on my side.
Perhaps it’s my fear, that in the silence between stories, in my moments of
falling, there’s a fear that I will never find that one story, that good story.
And sometimes words seem so empty when ones heart is so full. But I think I have
to scribble across the page, type upon the keys, and spill these words anyways,
because who knows, someone, somewhere, just might need a story.
Life is such a strange thing. Some
days it is good and some days it is bad. Lately thought I’m finding the most
dangerous moments is all the ‘OK’ in-between. I’ve seen that I have strength
inside myself to persevere and survive through some truly awful days. But it’s
the unremarkable everyday that will continue to break me if I allow them to
gather in numbers.
It’s the
mundane task, the continued routine, the loneliness, the feeling inferior, and
the hearing the same old words out of different mouths and nothing changes.
It’s hoping for something more in a world that is always taking and never
giving. It is the frustrations with feeling like I’m not doing enough, that I
will never do enough, to reach out and grasp ahold of what I need to. And so
I’m falling again.
And I’m greedy
in my nature, I want Jesus and I want so many other things. I know though, if I
can’t have both, now or ever, I will always choose Jesus. But even knowing that
deep in my heart doesn’t make the want disappear. It’s there and it’s strong.
Recently though
it feels like I always write when I’m either miserable or every thing is going
right. And I’ve realized that if I always write when my misery is overwhelming
or my happiness exudes me, well than I wouldn’t be true to what life is really
like. Because I’m not always happy, and I’m not always miserable. Some days,
like today, I just am.
But
this world is so much more than me. And I think sometimes I’d like to believe
that the world revolves around the things I do and the people I am with. But,
I’m not in high school anymore, and as nice as it would be, the world does not
revolve and survive on the things I do. The world is so much more than me… This
life is so much more than me. And I think I’ve been missing the whole point.
I’ve been
letting misery and mopey moments get the best of what my life is made for. That
I find myself in the midst of situations, frustrated or angry or crying out,
and yet there’s something bigger going on behind the scenes, something that I
can’t always see.
That in the end
all that I am doing is not for the world, it’s not for me, it is for Jesus, it
is for the beautiful people I fell in love with 8000 miles across the sea. In
the end, all the happy days, sad days, the frustrating moments, the pain, the
sufferings, the exams, the days spent in laughter, and the days spent on my
knees, face down on the floor. They will all be worth it, when in a place where
medicine is not accessible, it will be there and so will I. That I will acquire
the skills, by the grace of God, to take medicine to heal the sick, who might
have otherwise died. But it’s not just for the medicine, it is for the Gospel,
where people who may have never heard or experiences this real, tangible love,
they will get to hear and feel, and experience Jesus. That is the point to all
of this. My life poured out. My life as a living, breathing gospel. My life for
Jesus.
My hope and my
goal in this short life is that in everything I do, Jesus is known, and I need to continue to learn to step out of the way. To let my selfish inhibition go
and let Him shine through. Because honestly I don’t need the money, I don’t
need a title, I just need Him. He’s all I get to take with me.
And there are times I get homesick
for a place I’m not sure even exists. One where my heart is full, where I am
loved deeply, and my soul is understood. But home is not where we come from. I
think it’s a place we find, like it’s scattered and we pick pieces of it up
along the way. So I continue to gather up pieces and tuck them away in my
heart, until I find my way home.
There will be moments that are
difficult, but I have something many people do not, I have a burning desire, a
unrelenting love, an all pursuing passion for those beautiful faces across the
ocean, and I stare at pictures, in moments I get discouraged and it pushes me
to study, it pushes me to ask questions, to learn everything I can. To be as
knowledgeable as I can be, to be the best I can be, because it’s all for them
and it’s all for Jesus.
And so I continue to look to Jesus
and I see the brightest flashes of hope. That even in the ‘OK’ in-between, He
is extraordinary, that I do not do things in vain, that there is purpose. I
will continue to look to Him, to follow Him, with child-like faith. Constantly
reaching out, sometimes falling. Reaching out my limbs for something, for
Someone who has always been there and who always will be.
In that I have hope. In that I have
courage. He has overcome the world. And I just hope that we never lose our wonder, wide-eyed
and mystified. May we be just like a child, staring in marvel at the
magnificence of our King.
Writing from the
in-between,
HIS and yours,
Cami
